The Tomb of One Direction (3)

“Where am I?” The Other Terrence Oblong was confused to find himself hurled out of his sickbed, and instead standing in a cold, cavernous Tomb.

 

“Name?” barked a besuited man, sitting behind a desk.

 

“Erm, The Other Terrence Oblong. Where exactly am i?”

 

“You’re dead. This is the Tomb of One Direction.”

 

“The Tomb of One Direction?”

 

“You pass through here on the way to heaven. The name is quite clear, it refers to the direction souls take as they pass through. That direction,” he pointed his finger towards Heaven’s Gate, “is the one you must take.”

 

“One direction? That direction?”

 

“I’ve just told you so.”

 

“In which case why’s that man coming this way?”

“Don’t be foolish, no man could come … oh.” For there indeed was the spirit of a man, approaching from the WRONG DIRECTION, returning to the Tomb via Heaven’s Gate.

 

The man rose from his desk and approached the wanderer from heaven. “Halt. You man not pass this way, this is the Tomb of One Direction.”

“But he’s only going in one direction,” The Other Terrence Oblong said.

 

“What are you still doing here? Go, through the Gate, this is a Tomb of Transfer not a coffee house.”

 

“So I don’t get ferried across the River Styx.”

 

“No, there is no River Styx, that is a mere myth, a legend. To reach paradise you have to pass through this Tomb. On foot. No free boat-ride.”

“Pity. I always liked the idea of the River Styx.”

 

“Go. This is not your story. You have outlived your welcome.”

 

The Other Terrence Oblong finally got the message and passed through Heaven’s Gate, to whatever lies beyond. Having gotten rid of one pest the Keeper of the List of the Dead turned to the other.

 

“Stop. You may not pass this way. The dead must remain where they belong.”

“I am only returning to finish what I left unfinished.”

 

“All people leave unfinished business up above. NONE may return.”

 

“My unfinished business lies here, with you, and with her.” He pointed to the Maiden of Death, the abandoned soul who had taken it upon herself to dance for the souls departing the world above en route for the underworld kingdom of heaven.

 

The Keeper of the List gazed at the man, eventually recalling his name, as the Keeper knows all names.

 

“The emperor? But it has been over a thousand years since …”

 

“Since I said I would talk directly to God about the abandoned dancer. That is what I have done, I simply underestimated the time I would have to wait for a one-to-one appointment. You see in heaven all souls are equal, an emperor does not have precedence. Indeed, I have stepped aside to let many more deserving souls ahead of me.”

 

“What is it you want? Why have you broken the First Rule of Deathly Direction?”

 

“I have broken no rules.  I have been granted Permission. A name will shortly be added to the List. I have been allowed to watch the name being added.

 

The dancer, for the first time in a thousand years, stopped dancing.

 

Two more men appeared, as if by magical summons. They were easily recognisable to any that knew of the ancient tales; the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate and the Director of Lifespans.

 

“What is it now?” the Commune Chief asked the Keeper.

 

“This man passed through Heaven’s Gate.”

 

“But he is still here. How can he have passed through?”

 

“He passed through in the wrong direction.”

 

“But that has never been done before.” To the emperor he turned and said. “I thought all novelty had been spent, but here you are turning the world upside down again, going through a one-way Tomb the wrong way. Oh yes, I recognise you, emperor so and so and his dandy shorts.”

 

“I wear no shorts. I am dressed in my formal robes, as you can see. As for passing the wrong way, I have a Permission.”

 

“A Permission? Let me see.” The Commune Chief grabbed the proffered paper. “Gosh, His handwriting is getting poor, it’s because he always answers prayers by email these days. ‘An addition to the List’? Which List? Of the Living or the Dead?”

 

“I didn’t stop to ask. I ran straight here.”

 

The conversation was interrupted by the arrival of another man, dressed in neither suit nor shorts, rather in ermine robes befitting an Earl and carrying the Staff of Deathly Passage.

 

The Commune Chief shivered slightly at the Earl’s appearance. “I didn’t summon you,” he said, “I know how busy you are. I wouldn’t dare to disturb you a third time.”

 

The Earl of the Tomb simply smiled and winked. ‘S’okay, I got a tip-off from contacts close to you know whom. You don’t think I’d be wearing this gettup otherwise, do you?

 

“I have a new name,” interrupted the Keeper of the List of the Dead.

 

“I have a new name,” interrupted the Director of Lifespans.

 

The ballerina, the Earl, the Commune Chief and the emperor all looked expectantly at the two list keepers.

 

“It is she,” said the Keeper of the List of the Dead.

 

“It is she,” said the Director of Lifespans.

 

“What is this?” said the Commune Chief, “she has been added to both Lists?”

 

“It’s called ‘choice’,” said the Earl, “it’s all the fashion on earth right now, would you believe. Maiden of Death,” he said, addressing the ballerina, “you have finally been added to the List of the Dead, I can only apologise for the delay. But to recompense, we have given you the option of returning to the land of the living, for your life was cut so short.”

 

“But how shall she return?” asked the emperor. “Her body, it is over a thousand years …”

 

The Early dismissed the concern with a wave of his hand. “Oh, ‘tis only a body. We have lots of spare bodies.”

 

The Earl turned once more to the girl. “So, what is it to be? Do you make a choice?”

 

“I should like to speak to the emperor before I decide.”

 

“Go on then. Speak.”

 

“In private.”

 

“Oh, go then, into the dark recess of the Tomb, and have your private conversation.”

 

And so the two disappeared into the dark recess of the Tomb, for what seemed a long time, though time passes unconventionally in this underworld passage.

 

“So, what have you decided?” the Earl asked upon the girl’s return.

 

“I should like to live a life, a full life this time.”

 

“So it shall be. Commune Chief, find the girl a body.”

 

“A body? Where?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know. You have the whole of time and space at your convenience, search it. There must be a spare body somewhere. I can’t stop and discuss detail, I’m a busy man. I have things to do. I AM the Earl of the Tomb you know.”

 

Before leaving he said to the girl. “Good luck on the journey, may they find you a body fine enough for you to dance in.”  So saying the Earl departed.

 

The Commune Chief turned to the Director of Lifespans.

“Director, go find this girl a body.”

 

“But where from?”

 

“How should I know? Try looking under floorboards, I’m told that’s where they’re usually kept.”

 

The Director of Lifespans left, but returned almost immediately with a body. It was that of a young girl; fit, slender, the perfect body for a ballerina. And so she was returned to life.

 

“Goodbye,” she said to the emperor, "I will see you when I die a second time," and with these words and a gentle kiss on the emperor's lips, she too passed through the Tomb of One Direction in the WRONG DIRECTION, up into the world above.

 

“So we must say farewell again,” said the Commune Chief to the emperor.

 

“Farewell? Why, are you leaving?”

 

“No, but you are surely?”

 

“No, I shall wait here for the girl. After all, she has waited so long, what is one lifetime. And I will not delay the passage of souls this time, I have already been processed. You can have no complaint.”

 

“But a lifetime, what will you do here in all that time?”

 

“Do? Why I shall fill the Maiden’s place. I shall perform a dance for the newly deceased, to welcome them as they journey through to heaven.”

 

Which is why the Emperor of Two Left Feet, as he is now known, will dance for you when it is your hour. It will not be the finest dance you have ever seen, but enjoy it, for it is evidence that even in death hope lives on.