Ulf and Sven and the DNA test

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf." 

Enter Sven 

Sven: "Our DNA tests have arrived, Ulf.” 

Ulf: “This is that test you made us do to prove our Viking heritage?” 

Sven: “Yes, Ulf. (Hans Ulf a letter) This is my result, this is yours. Hopefully this will prove once and for all that we are bona fide Vikings.” 

Ulf: “Don’t count your chickens, Sven. We don’t know that we’re Vikings, we know nothing of our family histories, we were both abandoned as babies.” 

Sven: “Abandoned in a cot shaped as a Viking longboat, with miniature Viking helmets on our
heads.” 

Ulf: “Well, we’ll find out for sure now. Are you ready to open the envelopes?” 

Sven: “I’ve not been so nervous since the Olympic ice hockey finals. Oh well, here goes.”  

Sven and Ulf open their respective letters 

Ulf: “Phew. I’m 100% Viking, Sven. 60% Swedish Viking, 40% Danish Viking. How about you?” 

Sven: (in shock) “I’m only 90% Viking, Ulf.” 

Ulf: “90%?” 

Sven: “60% Danish Viking, 30% Swedish Viking.”  

Ulf: “And the rest?” 

Sven: “10% Welsh.” 

Ulf: “Welsh?” 

Sven: “That’s what it says here.” 

Ulf: “So we’re not brothers, Sven?” 

Sven. “Not if the results are accurate. But there is a disclaimer at the bottom of the letter: ‘There is a one in 72,650 chance that these test results are not accurate’.” 

Ulf: “Still, you shouldn’t be wearing a Viking helmet, not if you’re part Welsh.” 

Sven: “I’m still 90% Viking, that’s a lot of Viking.” 

Ulf: “But mostly Danish Viking. You shouldn’t be wearing a Swedish flag T-shirt, you’re only 30% Swedish. That’s less than a third.” 

Sven: “But we were born in Sweden, Sven.” 

Ulf: “We don’t know where we were born. We only know that we turned up at the Swedish embassy in a miniature longboat. You could have been born anywhere. You could have been born in Wales.” 

Sven: “I was not born in Wales. There’s nothing Welsh about me. I don’t like leeks, can’t stand rugby and I never feel a compulsion to sing for no reason. The only music I like is Abba.” 

Ulf: “That proves nothing. Abba were the best-selling band in Wales last year. They even outsold Tom Jones.” 

Sven: “Anyway, the results may not be accurate. As it says in the letter … hang on. This letter’s addressed to Ulf. What does your letter say?” 

Ulf: “It’s addressed to you,
Sven. We’ve got each other’s letters.” 

Sven: “So I am 100% Viking, Ulf. I’m so happy.” 

Ulf: “That’s good, Sven. And I’m 90% Viking, which is nearly as good. We should celebrate with a jug of mead.” 

Sven exits and returns swiftly with two Viking-styled glasses 

Ulf:  “To our Viking DNA, Sven.” 

Sven: “To our Viking DNA, Ulf. With just a dash of Welsh in your case.”