Please don't come around.

I am dreaming and I know it almost for certain now. Because, if you came around, the only reaction I can imagine is that I would ask you to leave before you even entered my home. So I am so sorry that I seem to have been leading you on. I believe I love you but this is too heavy because I do not know where you are and I am afraid of you.I am afraid of you because I have discovered some new and unknown feelings inside of me-That should be no explaination and it is not either.What I am trying to say is that I am afraid of my own feelings.So something is wrong,isn't it? Feeling them makes me doubt because I have never experienced them before. They are huge-these emotions. I just want to scream and run away.You see I don't know whether I give you the same sensation and I rather hope not because then we would both scream and run our opposite ways.Actually that is what we have been doing.I mainly blame myself.At one point of time I felt great.It didn't last although you were so brand new to me.You were so brand new. I had never encountered these emotions as I did with you.We really did try. I think you tried harder than me. You really did love me.You see-I had never r e a l l y loved in such an ADULT way.You had been very much in love, you told me, just as we met. With a Spanish lady and you missed her and you missed her and you missed her.This turned me off a bit even though I was not that deeply in love with you at that time of our "relationship". I was really quite tired of listening to all your stories about your unhappiness. That is when I started on mine-I think.You used to ask me because I listened a lot and didn't say that much.You asked me if I had ever had a real love and I told you that I was very young at the time ...and then came the bad part I should have kept to myself.About my mother trampling all over my life at that time.I have been so bitter.I am so sorry-this must have ruined a lot. You see I was complaining-something terrible. But mainly I was thinking :-Oh!Please won't you just hold me in your arms and let me lay by your side. But that is not the way the story goes. First you get to know each other.Fair enough. Then something else happens and you jump into bed and Wupti.Nothing gets solved!(my illusion)Well you get physically closer and then you are close in body and mind.
Except everything was opposite with us. We jumped into bed and then everything was said and now what?
You didn't want a girlfriend and I wanted a man for life.So I said I did not want to have sex with you if you didn't want me as a girlfriend.But I DID jump into bed with you,didn't I?
I am afraid of my own emotions.They have become to thwarped with time.The time that is too long inbetween our meetings.My imagination-(you'de think I had little else to do than sit around thinking),keeps playing around with me. With my life.Your silence tells me one thing and now I have to stay silent.So be it.