The World Cheese Arrangement Finals

There were tense moments last night in the dying minutes of the World Cheese Arrangement Finals in the new Wembley Stadium, when the reigning champions the Norwich Explicators were left in possession of the Brie with only two moves left.

The daring use of the Wensleydale by the young contenders, Munich Spiegel Splatz, had made this one of the closest finals in recent history. With both sides tying at the end of the first quarter through a delightful blocking move by the German defender Hans Kneesand, which rendered the Norwich use of the Double Gloucester out of play, inches from the goal line. This meant that Munich had a clear run at the Norwich wicket with the Stilton. However, an excellent – almost instinctive blocking parry by the experienced Norwich goalkeeper, Stan Mankyvest, with the cheeseboard, meant that the second quarter began with both teams equal.

The second quarter was a much more defensive period, with both teams making full use of the cheese biscuits, with some inspired defensive cracker work from the Norwich back three on the trampolines.

So, at half time the teams were still all-square with all to play for. However, the Norwich mid-front scrum quarterback, Frig O’Tadpole, had to be stretchered off less than a minute from the end of the third quarter after a very serious head-on collision with the Camembert rendered him unconscious.

In the final quarter of the second half, the Norwich team began to show its greater experience in depth, with some expert use of the cheese oars to get the Red Leicester deep into the German team’s half. The Explicators constantly tested the German wicket keeper, Achtung Dumbkof, and forced Munich to bring on their substitutes in order to make greater use of the Cheddar cues in the dying minutes. However, Norwich were ready for this and used their defensive Edam racquets to great effect until they were left in possession of the Brie with only two moves left. This was where the young Munich team’s inexperience was cruelly exposed when Norwich’s leading try scorer, Dan (Vera) McMac easily evaded the German defence to score the winning points.

All-in-all, then, a tight match, but in the end the better team did win. However, Munich Spiegel Splatz will be a team to watch come next season.