Wolves at night

By kelgel

Mon, 22 Oct 2012
  • 932 reads
5 comments
 

This is only a fragment, but i need feedback! not sure where to go with this or how it reads.

Fevered. Breaths escape my mouth like frantic spirits, crazed and ascending and longing for release. I watch them rise against the blackness of the evening, their smokey hands grasping at the darkness until the two become one. It is the quietest desperation; the unfriendliest truth. I find myself in these small hours possessed by it. I am an unwilling hostage and It is a fire, a hunger that comes over me suddenly and unnoticed, taking hold like a creeping rust until all at once I find myself consumed.

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Comments

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
This reads well as poetic prose, kelgel. You just need to drop the 'e' in 'smoky', by the way. It is good as it stands, or you may want to develop it further by playing with line lengths, to form a free-verse poem, perhaps. Tina

 

Submitted by kelgel on
Thanks for the feedback Tina!

Submitted by The Walrus on
Or you could make it the beginning of a story, kelgel. Your title, Wolves At Night, so far bears little resemblance to what you've written, and you must have had something in mind..... My advice is just to sit down and write, don't plan too much and see where the story takes you.

Submitted by jolono on
Tina's comment about making it into poetic prose is a good one. I started to read it more as a poem then the start of a story. That said, there is so much imagery in the first few lines that it would also stand as a great opening for a really good story.

 

Submitted by kelgel on
thanks you all for your feedback!! its been very helpful :)