Death in Space (radio script)

Astronaut Dave: “Houston we have a problem. The ship has been hit by a piece of space-debris. Repeat, Hummingbird has been hit.”

Houston “How badly are you damaged, Hummingbird?”

Astronaut Dave: “We’ve got a leak Houston. We’re losing oxygen, it’s being sucked out into space by god’s great vacuum cleaner. We have about 30 seconds left before the air runs out.”

Houston “You have to cover the leak, Hummingbird.

Astronaut Lex: “Ask them how we’re supposed to fix a leak in ten seconds.”

Astronaut Dave: “Please advise Houston. We have less than ten seconds of oxygen left. How can we fix the leak in ten seconds? Please advise.”

Houston: “Can you hear me Hummingbird? Are you receiving me?”

Astronaut Dave: “Hearing you loud and clear Houston. Still awaiting your advice on our situation. You know, the absence of air thing.”

Houston: “Hummingbird. Hummingbird. Shit! We’ve lost them.”

Astronaut Dave: “We’re still here Houston. Houston can you hear us? Houston we still have contact, can you hear me?”

“Astronaut Lex: “We’ve lost the connection, Dave. Give up.”

Astronaut Dave: “Houston, strange blue lights have appeared on Lex and Zander. They’re like luminous blue lines. It’s almost like the light’s inside them.

Astronaut Lex: “There’s a line in you too Dave. It’s just appeared.”

Astronaut Dave: “Houston, if you can hear us we’d welcome some feedback on the lights? Houston?”

Sfx: Sound of Death appearing in the spacecraft.

Astronaut Dave: “Shit, there’s a figure just appeared in the flight deck. Repeat Houston, there’s a mysterious figure just appeared in the flight deck. Please advise.”

Death: “I’M NO MYSTERY. DON’T YOU RECONGISE ME?

Astronaut Dave: “Er, a skeletal figure in a black cloak. You’re not Death are you?”

Death: “THAT’S RIGHT. AND THE BLUE LINES YOU SEE ARE YOUR LIFELINES, WHICH I’M HERE TO EXTINGUISH, THUS FREEING YOUR SOULS TO ATTEND WHICHSOEVER AFTERWORLD YOU HAVE CHOSEN.”

Astronaut Dave: “Houston, Death has appeared in the flight deck and is about to extinguish our lifelines. Please advise Houston. The manual doesn’t cover this situation.”

Death: “HOUSTON CAN’T HEAR YOU, ASTRONAUT HARRISON. YOU ARE DEAD. PREPARE TO GO WHERE A HUNDRED BILLIONS SOULS HAVE GONE BEFORE.”

Sfx: Swish of Death’s scythe and the extinguishing of a lifeline, followed by a second swoosh and extinguishment.

Death: “ASTRONAUT MULIN.”

Astronaut Mullin: “Hello, yes?”

Death “I BELIEVE YOU’RE A STAR WARS FAN.”

Astronaut Mullin: “That’s right.”

Death: “THEN YOU QUALIFY FOR MY SPECIAL SERVICE. YOUR MORTAL COIL WILL BE EXTINGUISHED WITH A LIGHT SABRE.”

Astronaut Mullin: “Wow. That’s cool! What a way to go.”

Sfx: Sound of light sabre cutting through mortal coil

xxx

Sfx: Sound of radio broadcasting.

Radio announcer: “And in other news the Bon Voyage spacecraft has been hit by space debris, just as it was reaching the outer limits of the solar system. All three astronauts on the mission are assumed dead.

“The astronauts failed by just minutes in their quest to become the first humans to leave the solar system. A spokesman from NASA said that this tragic loss should not deter us from …

Sfx: Sound of phone ringing as radio is turned down and softly silence.

Becky: “Hello, domain of Death in the Sixth Dimension. How may I help you?

Death: “IT IS ME.”

Becky: “I was just thinking about you actually. Have you just been to space? There was a thing on the news about astronauts dying.”

Death: “I STILL AM IN SPACE. I’M TRAPPED ON A SPACE SHIP. I NEED YOU TO GET ME OUT.”

Becky: “You’re trapped? How can you be trapped? You’re Death, you can move through time and space, there is no limit to your powers.”

Death: “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. BUT I’VE JUST DISCOVERED THAT MY POWERS STRETCH NO FURTHER THAN THE SOLAR SYSTEM. THE SHIP WAS JUST WITHIN MY LIMITS WHEN THEY DIED, BUT BY THE TIME I’D FINISHED DOING WHAT I DO IT HAD PASSED THROUGH THE OUTER LIMIT AND I AM NOT ABLE TO GET BACK.”

Becky: “Won’t NASA bring the ship back anyway?”

Death: “NO. NASA NO LONGER HAS CONTROL OF THIS CRAFT, IT MUST BE FLOWN MANUALLY. I NEED TO BE TOLD HOW TO FLY THIS SHIP SO THAT I CAN BRING IT BACK TO MY REALM.”

Becky: “So you want me to contact NASA and get them to talk you through?”

Death: “NO, NO, NOT NASA. THEY WON’T BELIEVE YOU AND EVEN IF THEY DID THEY’D DEMAND FAVOURS FROM ME. THERE IS ONLY ONE SOUL THAT CAN HELP. I WANT YOU TO CONTACT NEIL ARMSTRONG,

Becky: “Neil Armstrong?”

Death: “YES. HE HELPED TO DESIGN THE FLIGHT-DECK OF THIS SHIP. IT WAS ONE OF THE LAST THINGS HE DID. HE WILL HELP ME.”

Becky: “But Neil Armstrong is dead. His soul is on the other side, I have no way of reaching him and even if I could how could he help you?”

Death: “I AM TALKING TO YOU OVER THE SHIPS RADIO. I COULD TALK TO NEIL THE SAME WAY. YOU NEED TO VISIT THE FERRYMAN AND TAKE A RADIO MECHANISM TO THE SHORES OF THE DEAD, SO THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG CAN TALK TO ME.”

Becky: “But there are a hundred billion souls on the other side and I cannot even take one step onto the shore. How shall I ever find him?”

Death: “WHEN I VISITED HIM TO COLLECT HIS SOUL, HE PASSED ME A PIECE OF MOONROCK, WHICH HE COLLECTED FROM THE MOON’S SURFACE. HE GAVE IT TO ME, SAYING THAT IF BY CHANCE THE RULES ABOUT MATERIAL POSESSIONS IN HEAVEN EVER CHANGED WOULD I PASS IT ON. IT IS ON MY DESK.”

Becky: “This rock? The one you’re using as a paperweight?”

Death: “YES. NEIL ARMSTRONG IS AWAITING DELIEVERY OF THAT MOONROCK, HE IS EVER-VIGILANT AND WILL FIND IT. LEAVE THE ROCK TOGETHER WITH THE RADIO AND A SET OF INSTRUCTIONS.”

Becky: “Right, I’ve got the moonrock. I’ll order the radio and pop down to the Shores of the Dead with it. I hope you realise what an unusual job this is.

Death: “YOU’RE MY PA. IT IS YOUR DUTY TO RESCUE ME WHEN I’M STANDED IN SPACE. IT IS IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION.

Becky: “Really? In my job decription? I don’t remember it.”

Death: “IT COMES UNDER THE SECTION ‘AND ANY OTHER DUTIES THAT MAY REASONABLY BE REQUIRED.”

Becky: “Yes, I think your interpretation of 'reasonable' is a little different to mine. Erm, it’s a flawless plan, obviously, nothing could go wrong, but I was just wondering. With you being trapped in a spaceship and everything, what would happen if I didn’t manage to rescue you?”

Death: “IF YOU FAILED IN YOUR MISSION THEN THE SOULS OF THE DEAD WOULD SIMPLY NEVER BE COLLECTED, PEOPLE WOULD NEVER DIE, EVEN WHEN THEIR BODIES WERE BROKEN, DESTROYED, EVEN IF THEIR BODIES WERE PUT INTO A BLENDER, SOME FRAGMENT OF TISSUE WOULD RETAIN THE LIFE FORCE. THE EARTH WOULD BULGE FULL WITH EVER MORE LIFE UNTIL IT COULD TAKE NO MORE, UNTIL THE SHEER WEIGHT OF SOUL-FORCE SUCKS THE EARTH INTO A SEVENTH-DIMENSIONAL VOID AND EVERYTHING COMES TO AN ABRUPT END.”

Becky: “I see. No pressure then.”

xxx

Sfx: A doorknocker being knocked

Deliverance: “Hello, I’m from Deliverance Couriers. You ordered a NASA 427, interplanetary communication system?”

Becky: “The radio? That’s right, thanks for coming so quickly. Do I need to sign for it?”

Deliverance: “Just here love. And here. And here. And here. And here. Sorry about this, but the paperwork we have when we deliver to another dimension!”

Becky: “Tell me about it. Imagine what it’s like working here all the time.”

Deliverance: “So this is Death’s place is it? I was expecting something more gothic. It’s very nice, quite a palace actually.”

Becky: “Well space isn’t a problem. Death has an entire dimension to Himself.”

Deliverance: “That’s a good idea. Gets round the problem of planning permission too I should imagine. If you could just print your name.

(Pause) (unless the sfx guys are really, really keen, in which case the sound of pen on paper, but frankly don’t bother guys).

Deliverance: “So is this where I come when I die?”

Becky: “No, no, He comes to you.”

Deliverance: “That’s nice. Home delivery, it’s a nice touch in this day and age. Right, well you’ll be delighted to know that’s the last of the paperwork. The radio is all yours. Have a nice day.

Becky: “I’ll try. I’ve got to go to the River Styx now and ask the Ferryman to take me to the Shores of the Dead.”

Deliverance: “Oh you should have said. I’ve just dropped off an order there. I could’ve given you a lift. Say ‘hi’ to the Ferryman for me. Tell him I’ll see him Tuesday week, usual time.”

xxx

Sfx: Becky arriving on the shores of the River Styx. (No, I’ve no idea, what Death’s PA arriving on the shores of the River Styx sounds like.)

Becky: “Greetings, Mr Ferryman. Do you know why I have come?”

Ferryman: “I always know. You are here to take your soul across the river Styx to the Shores of the Dead, a land where the living may never tread, to deliver a piece of moonrock and a radio device to one who has crossed this way already and shall not be coming back.”

Becky: “That’s it in a nutshell.”

Sfx: Sound of Ferryman ferrying a boat across the River Styx towards the Shores of the Dead. (General river sounds will probably do).

Becky: “It’s quite a nice boat-trip actually. The river’s so clear, so peaceful.”

Ferryman “There is no life within these waters to add impurity or imperfection. It is the cold, empty water that forms the barrier between the living and the dead.”

Becky: “Still, it must be nice working on the river. You can’t imagine what it’s like being stuck in an office all day with no-one to talk to but Death, and you know what a bundle of fun he is.”

Sfx: (Keep doing the river sounds thing guys, it’s working really well, the audience genuinely believe they’re being punted across the river Styx. Frankly, this is your finest work ever.)

Becky: “Are we here already? That was quick.”

Ferryman: “The passing of a mortal soul across the River Styx takes no longer than it needs to.”

Becky: “That’s handy. Wish our rail system operated on that basis. Okay, I’ll just leave the stuff here ."

Ferryman: “Take care. Just one step on the Shores of the Dead and your soul may never leave, you will be trapped here forever, beyond eternity.”

Becky: “Okay, thanks for the warning. Being really careful. There. One radio, one moonrock and an explanatory note, safely left on the Shores. Do you think he’ll get them?”

“Ferryman: “Every soul gets what is due to it once it has passed over this way, you can be sure of that.”

Becky: “Good, that’s what I wanted to hear. I’ll pop back to the office and get a cup of tea then. Hopefully Himself won’t be too long. Thanks for the ride. Always good to see you.”

Ferryman: “The next time you see me you may not be so delighted. One day you will not be entitled to a return journey.”

Xxx

Sfx: Becky arriving back at the realm of Death.

Becky: “Oh, you’re back already. I was expecting to be whizzing round space for another day at least.

Death: “IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG, THE CRAFT HAD ONLY BEEN DRIFTING SO THERE WAS ONLY A SHORT DISTANCE TO TRAVEL BEFORE I WAS BACK IN MY REALM.”

Becky: “So it worked all right then. You can add space pilot to your CV.”

Death: “THE SYSTEM IS QUITE SIMPLE ONCE YOU KNOW WHICH BUTTON IS WHICH. MR ARMSTRONG WAS VERY HELPFUL.” (LAUGHS) “THAT WILL BE A BIG SURPRISE TO NASA,TO SEE THEIR CRAFT SUDDENLY DO A U-TURN WHEN THERE’S NOBODY ALIVE TO FLY IT. THEY’LL PROBABLY WASTE YEARS TRYING TO WORK OUT HOW IT WAS DONE.”

Becky: “They’ll never guess it was the ghost of Neil Armstrong and the figure of Death,”

Death: “NO. WELL NASA MUST JUST SIT WITH THE MYSTERY I SUPPOSE. AND THANK YOU, YOU KNOW, FOR SAVING ME FROM BEING STUCK IN SPACE.”

Becky: “Oh, don’t be silly. As you say, it’s written in my job description. ‘Rescuing Death from a spacecraft.”

Death: “IT’S NOT ACTUALLY WRITTEN IN YOUR JOB DESCRITPION, I MERELY MEANT IT’S ONE OF THE AD HOC DUTIES .. (interrupted)

Becky: “Oh, it is in my description now, I updated it while you were out. You’ll noticed that ‘Saving Death from certain destruction whilst stuck in space’ is a Grade 7 responsibility, meaning I am entitled to a salary increase of £2,001 per annum. If you could just sign off the new Job Description, and also sign here, to authorise the increase in my standing order.”

Death: “OH, I SUPPOSE SO. YOU CAN’T BEGRDUDGE A FEW POUND WHEN IT MEANS NEIL ARMSTRONG WILL SAVE YOU FROM AN ETERNITY IN ZERO GRAVITY. ANYWAY, I MUST BE OFF. THE SOULS OF THE DEAD DON’T GATHER THEMSELVES.”