The Diary of an Aspiring Hitman - Chapter 1
Day 1 – 24/9/2014 – New Flat
I've moved into my new flat. The council have decided in their wisdom to define it as a bedsit, but the way I see it, if the kitchenette is clearly segregated from the living room/bedroom area (by a curtain or otherwise) then that constitutes two rooms. On top of that there are only two of us sharing the bathroom on this corridor, and my irritable bowel should ensure me a monopoly over its usage. So it's a flat. A reasonably priced, state funded flat.
All in all, it's been a good day. I've not had much luck recently but with this flat and a fresh start, it could be just what I needed. Unpacking wasn't at all as bad as I expected it to be. The building
has internet already plumbed in so hooking up my laptop and games console was a breeze. I was surprised to discover that those two items really did constitute everything I own. But that is fine. I may not be rich in possessions but I am rich in experience and friends (my social network is some 113 persons stronger than my brother's, so it goes to show that his Ph.D isn't everything. No matter what my mum says). But I haven't started this diary to merely boast about my achievements. It has its practical applications also. Jess from the job centre told me that I have to keep a note of all my job applications, to prove I'm not “a worthless, work-shy scrounger with a bad haircut” so I thought sod it! I'll go one better and keep a note of all my feelings, philosophical musings and good political ideas as a way of motivating myself to fulfil my goals. So for today:
Feelings – very good, I'm doing well in life and very hopeful about the future.
Philosophical Musings and Thoughts – Come back to me, I usually have loads but untangling cables has made me sleepy.
Good political idea – Print more money. I've never really understood why people complain about people like me who have spent such a short while on the dole. If the government have run out of money, then why don't they just print more? If I ran the country I'd make sure everyone had enough money.
So I'm going to be doing a diary entry every day to ensure I maintain this level of motivation. I've got to go see Jess on Friday and I intend on having a job tied up for myself by that point. If I do, I might ask her out again, as I'm sure it was only the professional nature of our relationship that put her off last time. And we've known each other for ages now so she should have a much better impression of me than she did six months ago.
Day 2 – 25/9/2014 – Meeting at the Job Centre
I went for my meeting today and Jess says that I'm pushing my luck and that I'm not trying hard enough. I think we're not suited aspirationally. I have the best part of a degree and she's wanting to
send me to an interview at a factory that manufactures cigarette filters, and it wasn't even a management position. I decided not to ask her out and told her that I wouldn't attend the interview. She seemed annoyed about something, but didn't want to talk about it. It's a shame as she says I'm not going to see her next fortnight and have to see her manager instead. Guess she must be going on holiday or something.
I felt a bit down on the way home so popped into the bakery to get myself some cookies. It cheered me up more than I expected as the girl who served me was absolutely stunning. I was going to ask her what time she finished work but she was too quick with my change. I decided to walk around the block and try again, but I got a bit worried that she'd think I was greedy and not like me for it. The third time I went in, she must have been leaving on her break so she asked her colleague to serve me and rushed away. I wonder if she was a bit shy? I have more cookies than I really need or want now, but can't really afford to buy any other food until my next payment comes through.
Feelings – Still hopeful, and a bit sick from my dinner.
P.M.T. (Philosophical Musings and Thoughts) – What is heroism? I asked Jess this earlier. She pretended not to hear me. I'm beginning to think that we may not be on the same intellectual level either as she mustn't have understood the question.
G.P.I. (Good political idea) – Less security at the job centre. It's intimidating and I find it hard to use the computers there when they're looking at me.
Day 3 – 28/9/2014 – Grand Theft Auto
The building's internet is down, so I haven't been able to look for jobs this weekend (as I said before, I can't use the computers at the Job Centre). I'm sure Jess's manager will understand. Whilst I've been struggling to make money in real life the same really can't be said for my Grand Theft Auto life. I've finally managed to save up enough money to buy a mansion complete with a boat and helicopter pad. After I'd been playing for ten hours I began to feel a bit nauseous (may have been the cookies) so decided to give my fingers a break. Now I'm two-thirds of my way through the George Romero 'Trilogy of the Dead' box-set I got myself as a treat last week. Still feel a bit sick and my eyes hurt.
Feelings – Glad I've got the internet back. My friends mustn't know what has happened to me!
P.M.T – Is it wrong to steal bread? I think I need to dilute this sugar a bit.
Good political idea – They should really do something about organised crime. Whilst it's good for obtaining cars and mansions and lots of money, my stat screen says that I've had to murder over nineteen hundred people to get where I am today. Whilst I'd like to have a helicopter I really wouldn't want it that much.
Day 4 – 1/10/2014 – The Walk
Still no luck on the job front. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've been feeling a bit bored sitting around the flat all day so I went for a walk down Holloway Road on Monday and handed my CV in to three different shops. None of them have got back to me. I'm not one to fold in the face of adversity though, so I headed back out today and handed out three more at Marks and Spencer's, Waitrose and the 24/7 Turkish Supermarket (even though I know it to be rife with nepotism); I think my choices were mainly driven by my intense hunger.
I carried on with my walk after this. I see myself as a creative person, not unlike William Blake, and he used to walk twenty miles around London every day for inspiration. I suspect that William was far better fed than I am, as I began to feel remarkably listless about halfway down the Caledonian Road. I had intended to make it as far as St. Pancras, as I like meeting people from foreign lands and was hopeful for an encounter with a French belle fresh off the Eurostar. Instead I had to stop outside the Pentonville Prison for a while to get my breath back, where I observed women in tracksuits coming and going through the visitor's entrance. My time there served as a stark reminder just as to where a life of Grand Theft Auto inspired crime will come to land you.
Obviously there is no chance of this happening to me, as I have never knowingly committed a crime. I did once accidentally steal a vinyl copy of Synchronicity by The Police from a market-stall in Spitalfields Market, but that was only due to my not realizing that it was stuck to the back of a copy of Shakin' Stevens's Greatest Hits that had been legally purchased.
Feelings – Feeling great. There's nothing like a long walk around London to wipe away those weekday blues.
P.M.T – Do criminals deserve a second chance? The answer is no. Society's rules are clearly set out and there really is no excuse for breaking them.
G.P.I – In relation to my P.M.T., bring back capital punishment.
Day 5 – 4/10/2014 – New Shirt and the Builders.
I read somewhere the other day that thin and handsome men are more employable and earn more when compared to their tubbier counterparts. As such I've decided to keep up with my walking in order to shed a few pounds. I've also been forced to cut down to one meal a day in order to save some money, so I'm hoping to be as thin and employable as a rake by the end of the month (I already consider myself to be very handsome with good hair, so I don't think that there is much more that I could achieve in that area).
I got up extra early this afternoon planning to follow the A400 all the way down to Trafalgar Square, where I could take in a bit of culture at the National Gallery. Along the way, I stopped off at a
little charity shop in-between Kentish Town and Camden, where I hunted for a new outfit to wear should the Turkish Supermarket get in touch with the offer of an interview. It took a while, but eventually I found myself a very dashing looking shirt. It bore resemblance to your average checked lumberjack offering, but gone were the dreary reds and blacks, and in their place stood every colour of the rainbow in the most dazzling array. Such a shirt was sure to impress and at only £10 it seemed a wise investment (I even managed to haggle a couple of pounds from the asking price).
I popped it on immediately to guard against the chill of the afternoon and continued my journey Southwards. At first, it did seem to have the desired effect, as a young Street Arab stopped me not to ask for money, but to simply inform me that I was a “snappy dresser.” This pleased me very much. However, just beyond Camden and as I was passing a building site, things took a turn as the men at work laid down their tools in order to ironically heckle at me as if I was a young woman! It wasn't at all like when I accost young women across the street, their approach really lacked the charm and sincerity needed to make a woman feel good about what she is wearing. The ordeal rendered me in a high state of self-awareness, and I decided to discard the shirt in a bin at the first opportunity before catching the bus back home to spend a bit more time playing Grand Theft Auto.
Feelings – Wishing that I had kept the shirt in order to return it to the shop. £8 really does constitute a larger percentage of my weekly budget than I should have spent on one garment.
P.M.T – Is it wrong to haggle at a charity shop? The old lady at the counter did say that I was beginning to make her feel uncomfortable, but I suspect that she only said this in order to counter my steadfast haggling technique with a few wily tricks of her own.
G.P.I – Shield builders from view. They are an unruly class of folk and the streets would be better off without them.
Day 6 – 9/10/2014 – Jess's Manager
I had my meeting with Jess's manager today. He doesn't seem to be anywhere near as understanding. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that he was really mean as he has decided to stop my payments. He says that I've had enough warnings from Jess and that there was no reason for me not to be working. I thought it was just playful flirting when she said I'd have my payments stopped if I didn't find a job. I'm going to write a letter to my MP and hopefully we can get this all sorted out, as I'm finding the thought of not having any money rather stressful. To top it all Jess was in work today and completely blanked me. Sometimes I feel like I don't understand women at all, but I guess she must just have felt bad about not being able to see me again for a while. I was being escorted (man-handled – details included in my letter to my MP) outside by one of those security guards, so she may have been unwilling to get involved because of that. I suppose it would make their lunch break together awkward if she'd started a scene over the way they were treating me.
I don't have any P.M.T today, or any G.P.Is. This is due to me feeling a little bit depressed and putting all my effort into thinking up ways to make some money. I've asked my friends from the forum for some ideas, but they all live at home and are struggling to find work themselves. Really don't want to give up my new flat.
Day 7 – 13/10/2014 - Shoplifting
Stole some bread today as I was quite hungry. And some butter and jam as you can't eat it dry.