The Philosophy problem

I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door.

 

I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, to find Alun, busy jumping up and down.

 

“What are you doing?” I asked.

 

“I’m leaping, Jed,” he said. He continued to leap for the next ten minutes, without speaking a word. Indeed, he seemed oblivious to my existence, as if in some meditative state. I decided to leave him to get on with his leaping, and went into the non-leaping room for breakfast.

 

Eventually he ceased leaping and joined me in the non-leaping room, where I was breakfasting on coffee, coffee and coffee (Happy islanders believe in a caffeine-rich diet).

 

“Dare I ask why you’re leaping?” I said.

 

“How much do you know about the Cogito, Jed?” he asked.

 

“You mean ‘cogito ergo sum’, Descartes’ philosophical argument, which he claimed proved the existence of god.”

 

“Yes Jed, that cogito.”

 

“Only the basics. Descartes tries to counter scepticism by showing that it is impossible to deny your own though process, thus proving his own existence and in doing so making reason the foundation of all knowledge.”

 

“Exactly Jed. Well, I have surpassed the logic of Descartes himself. Watch.”

 

I watched. I watched Alun do absolutely nothing. He was just standing there, looking ahead with a blank stare, like a mainlander watching TV.”

 

“What are you doing?” I asked.

 

“Nothing,” Alun said.

 

“Okay,” I said.

 

“Nothing at all.”

 

He continued to stand there, just staring blankly into nothing.

 

“So …”

 

“So there is no longer thinking going on.”

 

“Right. I’m with you. I think.”

 

“And now watch.” At this point Alun started leaping again, this time with the same blank stare.

 

“I … I don’t know what you’re doing,” I said.

“I’m leaping.”

 

“Yes, but why are you leaping?”

 

“I’m leaping without thinking.”

 

“Right. Okay. So … what does that mean?”

 

“Descartes demonstrated his existence by proving beyond doubt that he was thinking, thus inferring that thought and reason are the foundation of all knowledge and understanding.”

 

“Yes, sort of.”

 

“And I’ve proved that leaping is even more fundamental, as it is possible to leap without any thought going on at all.”

 

“Right, so you’re sort of arguing ‘Saliens ergo sum’, I leap therefore I am.”

 

“It’s a poor translation Jed. We really need to work on your latin.”

 

“You’re leaping again,” I said. “Why do you keep leaping?”

 

“Because Jed, I have proved by means of ‘saliens ergo sum’, that leaping is the fundamental basis of all knowledge and understanding. If I keep leaping I’m bound to come up with a groundbreaking idea that will push back the boundaries of all contemporary scientific thought and knowledge.”

 

“If you say so,” I said, “just be careful not to leap into the table, you’ll do yourself an injury.”

 

xxx 

 

In spite of my cynicism Alun continued to leap for the rest of the day, the next day and for many, many months afterwards. He became more and more enthusiastic about his new theory, and published a paper expounding his reasoning in the Off-Mainlander magazine.

 

A few days after the publication of the article, I was surprised to be woken at 6.40 one morning by a polite knock on my back door.

 

‘Strange’ I thought to myself, ‘Alun never knocks politely, yet he’s the only other person on the island’.

 

I was wrong. I opened the door to a complete stranger, a young woman. She didn’t speak to me, she just stood there leaping.

“Ah, you must be looking for Alun,” I said. “He lives over there.” I pointed to Alun’s house and she leapt away, without saying a word, so deep was she in her own philosophical contemplation.

 

It was some time later in the day that I managed to catch up with Alun for an explanation. It turns out that although his paper had been met with a great deal of scepticism by the majority of people, there was nonetheless a small minority who found his work inspiring, and in response to this he had decided to establish a Centre of Philosophical and Spiritual Learning.

 

“A Centre of Philosophical and Spiritual Learning?”

 

“Yes Jed. I’m going to convert the empty house and invite disciples from all around the world.”

 

Over the next few days another five leapers arrived. Alun and his six disciples would spend every waking minute of every day leaping up and down in search of the highest possible level of philosophical insight and knowledge. They barely stopped for breathe, it was exhausting just watching them.

 

Over the next few weeks I did my best to keep out of their way. Alun was fine, but his young disciples were not as skilled at leaping as he was, and if I did venture to go and talk to them they would leap onto my foot, and sometimes onto my head. Besides, they were so deep in meditative contemplation that they barely acknowledge my existence, let alone spoke to me. You might as well be asking the mainland council what they spend your taxes on.

 

Some weeks after the opening of the Centre for Philosophical and Spiritual Learning I was awoken early one morning by a hammering on my back door.

 

‘Strange’ I thought to myself, ‘Alun must have momentarily ceased leaping in order to knock. I wonder what’s going on.’

 

I slowly dressed and lingered downstairs – call me a cynic but I do get fed up rushing around to Alun’s every beck and call.

 

“What is it?” I asked, when I eventually arrived downstairs.

 

“It’s Jess, Jed,” (the girl who had knocked politely on my door).

 

“What about Jess?”

“She’s left, Jed.”

 

“You mean she’s become fed up with your mad theory and returned home to live a normal life?”

“No Jed, just the opposite. She’s invented a new form of dance. She’s been given a 2 million mainland pounds grant by the Royal School of Ballet. It’s taken the world of dance by storm Jed. You see I was right, you can achieve anything if you adopt my methods.”

 

“Does this new form of dance by any chance involve lots of leaping around?”

 

“No Jed. That’s the thing, it’s involves lying on the floor in total stillness. It’s amazing to watch.”

 

“She’s invented dance that doesn’t involve dancing?”

 

“Exactly Jed. Genius isn’t it. No normal mortal could have come up with such an astonishing idea, only one of my disciples.”

 

In spite of Jess’s absence, things continued very much in the way that had before she left, with lots of leaping about and little else going on.  

 

A few days after Jess’s departure, I was again woken early by Alun.

“What is it this time?” I asked, when I eventually got downstairs, as I was continuing with my relaxed approached.

 

“It’s Jeb, Jed.”

 

“Jeb?”

“Yes Jed, Jeb, one of my disciples. He’s invented a new method of doing the high jump. He’s left to take part in the Olympics, he’s become an athletics star overnight, he’s running his own jumping camp.”

 

In spite of Jeb’s absence, things continued very much in the way that had before he left, with lots of leaping about and little else going on.  

 

A few days after Jeb’s departure, I was again woken early by Alun. By this time I’d had the innovative idea of putting the coffee machine in my room, so I was able to make myself coffee, have a shower and change into my ‘I do not leap’ outfit before going downstairs.

 

“It’s Jen, Jed.”

 

“Jen?”

 

“Yes Jed, Jen. She’s left me.”

 

“Dare I ask why?” I asked (clearly I dared).

 

“She’s designed a new car, Jed.”

 

“Let me guess, one based around the aerodynamics of leaping.”

 

“Exactly Jed. By basing the car’s design on the aerodynamics of leaping she’s built a car that’s 17.2% more efficient than every other car on the market. She stands to make millions. It’s not even been built yet and the Citroen Leaper is already the biggest selling car in the world, on pre-orders alone.”

 

The depletion of Alun’s disciples continued. The next day he arrived with the news that Jed (no relation) had left the Centre.

 

“What’s he done?” I asked.

“He’s designed a new shoe Jed, one that’s really comfortable even when you’re leaping around a lot.”

“Strange,” I said, “you’d think that someone who spent every single waking minute of their lives leaping around would have invented a comfortable leaping-shoe before they invented a new car.”

 

“Innovation doesn’t work that way Jed. The spork was invented forty years after the moon landings.”

 

The rate of innovation seemed to be increasing, as the next day Alun called to say that Jens had left.

 

“What’s he done?” I asked.

“He’s invented a new form of energy.”

 

“A new form of energy?”

 

“Yes Jed. He was expending so much energy leaping around all the time that he devised a way of capturing the energy expended and using it to power the toaster.”

 

“Is that why …” I began, but Alun interrupted me.

“Yes Jed, it’s why the island has smelt of toast for the last few days. The machine is so efficient it can power 20,000 toasters simultaneously.”

 

“That’s a lot of toast. So where’s he gone, to work for National Toast (the mainland’s main toast manufacturer)?”

 

“No Jed, he’s set up his own energy company. His technique can power every car, factory, toaster and electric eel in the whole of the UK, just by capturing the energy people expend in their day to day lives.”

 

“Amazing,” I said. “That reminds me, my electric eel needs recharging.”

 

There were just two disciples left, but not for long.

 

“They’ve left me, Jed,” he said to me early the next day. “I’ve lost my last disciples.”

 

“Where have they gone?” I asked.

 

“It’s Jan, Jed. She’s invented a new space rocket.”

 

“Don’t tell me, one based on the aerodynamics of leaping and powered solely by the astronauts leaping about inside it.”

 

“Exactly Jed, it’s so inefficient to burn billions of tons of fuel, when the same effect can be achieved simply by a couple of astronauts leaping around.”

 

“Science never ceases to amaze me,” I said. “So where have they gone?”

 

“They’ve gone to explore the universe Jed. Jan and Adrian have taken off together to the stars.”

 

“So you’re all alone again,” I said, “a solitary leaper.”

 

“No Jed. I’ve decided to give up leaping.”

 

“But you’ve been proven right,” I said. “Leaping around all day does inspire great ideas; new shoes, new car, new energy resources, super-efficient space rockets. If you keep leaping you’ll have an idea like that.”

 

“I’ve already had my idea, Jed.”

 

“Have you? What was it?

 

“It was the leaping idea, Jed. I realise now that my moment of innovative greatness has been and gone.”

 

“So the only idea you had as a result of leaping, was leaping.”

 

“Yes Jed, and to be frank with you I’m completely fed up with leaping around all the time. Let’s just spend the day sitting on our arses doing nothing.”

 

"I think that's a good idea," I said, "after all, it IS Christmas."