Walking on Saturn Day Two

There was a woodpecker on the bird table this morning, the glamourous pink and black kind.

It made me think "movement" so in a while I will take myself swimming, the first time since it all began.

Daughter probably won't come. Swimming and sauna without massage is probably not enough of a draw but I am torturing her by insisting she walks the dog.

I wanted to look at that woodpecker and think "a sign". Yesterday I tried to look up readings for the funeral. There is one everyone knows called "All is well" which starts with "death is nothing at all" and ends with "waiting for you just around the corner".

That really releases the tear hounds. Does the woodpecker approve? I seem to have strayed into

Madame Arcati territory. Husband would probably like that reading. For such a brilliant man he was surpisingly sentimental and above all he wanted me to be alright. Imagining that wherever "next" is

love survives is a nice thought although it is entirely possible to love more than one person in a lifetime and then what. A woman I met in the lounge at the hospice was going through the same (brain tumour) thing in a husband for the second time. Both of our husbands were diagnosed late with the most deadly tumour possible. Going through it twice ......

Last night I went to bed panicked. There didnt seem to be any hot water at bedtime. In the middle of the night I rehearsed checking all the switches I would need to check. We had an oil delivery last week and sometimes the line blocks.

That would mean calling someone out who would then ask me why I had not had that flue relined or had the bottom of the oil tank cleaned.

Happily the radiators began to clank at 645 AM and hot water appeared. It must have been the timer which I have never understood.

Its not as if husband ever dealt with this sort of thing. He handed off practical matters to me and then I had to get someone in.

This even extended to changing light bulbs. We have some very high ceilings and neither of us were any good up a tall ladder.

Last night I tried to find husband "online". There is a picture of me "online" because of writing but surprisingly not for him. There were lots of links to his working life which I enjoyed finding (look he existed) but no photographs.

Considering he had a number of top jobs that is strange and awful. We haven't taken many photos of ourselves either. We have wedding pictures and some holiday snaps but not many.

A lot of the photos I have are from friends old albums.

BIG TIP make family take your picture and make hard copies. Looking at facebook pictures just isnt the same. Don't always be the one behind the camera.

It must be my face. I did my 20 lengths very slowly and then popped into the Jacuzzi. A lady got in and we talked about how busy London was compared to this nice rural area.

In a couple of minutes she told me her son had been murdered 2 years ago stabbed in the back by a failed Somalian asylum seekers with previous form who had been "let out" 6 days before he killed her son. The lady herself was of colour and all her children had careers, families, and children.

One always wonders how the losers "know" that the people they murder have successful lives and  a lot to lose.

The court case had just finished and the jury had not been able to know about the murderers previous. The police were trying to use the eventual killer to catch other criminals. They had also placed him in close proximity to another violent man he knew. The 2 of them killed this womans son.

I then went into the steam room and had a conversation with another complete stranger about how fragile life was.

Well I got out of the house and now we are cooking some frozen Christmas canapes for lunch.

We will get something else tomorrow.