Larry and Mick and the Niftily Deflected Insult

“You smell,” said Larry.

“Hey, watch it!” said Mick.

“Sorry,” said Larry.

…

The niftily deflected insult travelled languorously through the air, settled on a nearby sandwich and awaited its imminent consumption.

…

“This sandwich smells,” declared Larry.

“Does it?” said Mick.

“Yes,” said Larry, who thrust the sandwich in the vicinity of Mick, who took the sandwich, gave it a sniff and reciprocally declared, “Yes, it does.”

…

The NDI (Niftily Deflected Insult) was 'vacuumed' unceremoniously up Mick's snout. Therein it commenced a journey, the particulars and parameters of which should not be disseminated to the delicately indisposed. Suffice it to say that the travails thereto comprised squelchiness to a degree unimaginable to all but such gut flora as Cryptosporidium hominis... culminating thus:

"That's better," said Mick, as the NDI was expelled.

And thus the journey continued.

...

The NDI travelled, with all the velocity but none of the overpriced thrills of a theme park water slide, through the U-bend. The detritus it collected thereto shall not be described, suffice it to say that it accompanied such on the continuation of the NDI's journey, which thereafter took on more adventurous and, contrary to what one might have thought possible, more smelly proportions.

...

The journey of the NDI henceforth proceeded without the knowledge or indeed existential awareness of its source (Larry) or primary deflector (Mick).

...

I am the NDI.
The NDI am I.
I travel hither and I travel thus,
Through poo and sick and sweat and pus.
But truly I don't care,
Because I'm not really there.
The NDI am I (am I).
The NDI am I.

...

"You smell," said the rat to the alligator.

"I am also bigger than you,” said the alligator, “so you shouldn't speak to me like that.”

The rat, however, was swifter than the alligator, and hot footed it out of there faster than you could say Bad 1980s B-Movie.

…

The alligator was old and a bit tired. He couldn't really be doing with smart-talking rats. In his younger days, he probably could have snapped up (literally) the rambunctious rodent quicker than he could spit (Can alligators spit? Further research required...), but nowadays, to be frank, he just couldn't be bothered with such things.

So as the old alligator lazily lolled in the dankest, stinkiest corner (not literally) of an ancient sewer tunnel, and the smart-mouthed rat, in its distraction, sniggered straight into the jaws of a younger dino-descendant, the NDI, deflected once again, unknowingly, by a reposing reptile, proceeded once again through leagues of labyrinthine passageways, to be ejected once more, through a cloacal bit of pipe on a forgotten stretch of southern English coast, into that vast, untethered, untamed and untoward body of water known as... the ocean.

...

And so the Niftily Deflected Insult, on account of the immense bigness of the ocean, now found itself to be lost. Which was only to be expected, really.

[ fin ]