City Breath
By PoppyS
- 2628 reads
She breathes this City of mine
gently perspiring fashions latest
designer toxic vapor
whilst neon pulses flowing through
her veins - sleep does not
become her
suited and booted
Gucci
Prada
sell your soul for a
fix of the fast life
doorways doormen
park your car sir
can’t sleep there man
how seductively she does breathe
call girls rent boys
watch your back in the alleyways
sideshows
cinema
theatre for the well off
24 hour takeaways not
for the healthy
hit men
con men
religion for the Amen
oh how she breathes
this City of mine…
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Comments
Really liked this.
However, it needs a good "going at" for punctuation. Or you could not punctuate at all and leave everything in lower case, which might well suit the content. The problem is that some punctuation is worse (in terms of meaning) than none. One thing you should almost certainly remove is the apostrophe of vapor's, or do you mean vapor is/has?
hit men, con men, religion for the Amen is terrific.
Well done.
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Thank you for the lush
Thank you for the lush cherries, and I agree so have removed all punctuation which goes with the fast snappy life of the City (by the way I live in a rural hamlet of 6 houses)
Much appreciated on ALL counts.
Pops ~xx~
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I think
that's better. Do you agree? Should it be Prada vice Pradi? (I know nothing about fashion).
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Yes, I totally agree - and it
Yes, I totally agree - and it seems you do know about fashion, well more than this silly ar*e
Prada indeed, mind you I am a country bumpkin who still thinks polyster and tweed 'rock the scene'.
Appreciated Pops ~xx~
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I like it too! One I'd like
I like it too! One I'd like to hear as a performance piece. We'll be having a reading night soon(ish). You'll have to come along!
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