Better to travel hopefully...? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 7)

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Turfed off their flight as potential hijackers, and banned from all other forms of transport for security reasons, they have had to resort to a coach to get them to Alicante.  Now they are nearing the end of their journey, for the moment at least:

 

“I’m really looking forward to seeing the sea, Mr. O.” Archibald confided, excitedly, “When I was a kid, and we went on our holidays, we used to see who could see the sea first”

“I regret, Archibald, that a glimpse of the sea is about all our visit will afford” Josiah replied, gloomily.  His companion with the chicken had left the bus at one of the innumerable villages they had passed through and Archibald had come to join him ‘to stop him getting lonely’.  In the interim, Josiah had managed to have a somewhat fraught telephone conversation with his fiancée, the tone of which had not been aided by his failing to take into account the time difference, and thus the earliness of the hour, from Samantha’s perspective.  “Ms. Knight has assured me that she will, very kindly, arrange for the remains of Sir Lewisham to be transferred to an Alicante mortuary in order to save time.  On arrival, we will need to collect our hired van, go swiftly to the mortuary, complete all of the necessary documentation and then repair to the airport with all speed in the hope that Ms. Knight has also managed to prevail upon Mr. Dunleavy’s good nature and that his airline will permit us, and our cargo, to fly home tonight.”

“Won’t there be chance for a paddle?” Archibald whined, plaintively.

“I fear not” Josiah responded with some relief, “our outbound delays mean that we must waste no further time” A fact that Samantha had made all too plain in their previous conversation

“Oh, that’s not fair!”  Archibald sulked.

“We are professional people, Archibald, with a solemn duty to perform, on behalf of Sir Lewisham, and his family.  You would do well to remember that.”  Josiah returned to his improving book.  Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a very dejected Archibald Thurble, slumped down in his chair, arms folded and his face wearing a determinedly ‘put upon’ expression.

****

At the back of the coach, Lawrence Hamble was bringing a rather disjointed mobile phone call to an end.

“I see, but…ok no, fine, well thank you for your help” He said, weakly.

Amber surfaced from her fitful sleep among the coats.

“What?” she asked, irritably.

“I was just talking to our hotel, dear.” Lawrence explained, with some trepidation.

“And?”

“Well, there’s good news…and some not so good news”

“Don’t tell me, it’s burnt to the ground!”

“No, nothing like that sweetheart!”  Lawrence reassured, with a faint smile.

“Typhoid? Ebola? Bubonic Plague?”

“Of course not, darling.  I was just ringing to see if they could arrange our transfer to the hotel, as we’ve obviously missed the inclusive transfer from the airport”

“And?”

“Well, yes, they could have done…” Lawrence began.

“Oh joy, more time on a bus!” Amber exclaimed, sarcastically.

“Not really, sweetness.”  Lawrence replied, tentatively, “You see, as we didn’t turn up when they were expecting us” He took a deep breath and launched into it, “they’ve sold our room.”

Lawrence shrank back in his seat and awaited the inevitable storm.

“They’ve what?” Amber rose from her pile of coats like a particularly bad-tempered Avenging Angel.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, sweetheart”

“Have they found us another room?” Amber boomed.

“Not exactly.  Well, not in our chosen hotel, anyway.  Torrevieja’s very popular this time of year,” Lawrence hurried on, “Apparently, there’s nowhere to be had on that stretch of coast.”

“So, WHAT have you arranged?” Amber asked with an accusatory tone.

“They’ve found us a room for tonight, in Alicante itself.  Nice sea-front hotel.”  Lawrence said, desperately, “at least we won’t have far to go when they drop us off.”

“And then what?”

“Well, I’ll have to get on to the Tourist Information Office first thing tomorrow and see what ‘s available elsewhere.”

“And what about the holiday we’ve already booked and paid for?”

“We’ll have to take it up with the travel insurance people, apparently.  I’ll do that tomorrow, too.” Lawrence replied miserably.

“Give me strength!”  Amber subsided into her coats again, as much a picture of misery as Archibald some rows in front.

******

As the late afternoon sun began to make its escape and slink toward the horizon, the coach finally came to rest in a small square secreted between a cluster of hotels and apartment blocks.  The driver began dragging a motley collection of bags and suitcases, from the side doors of the luggage hold, with an air of studied belligerence.  His passengers, arranged behind him in a rough semi-circle, occasionally darting forward to lay claim to their belongings.

Amber Hamble viewed the scene with growing impatience.

"For heaven's sake, Lawrence, you can see where our bags are, just reach in and get them!"  She hissed.

"I think the driver is getting them out in some sort of order, dear."  Lawrence suggested, shifting from foot to foot, nervously.

"I don't care if he's getting them out in order of size, weight or astrological sign, I WANT MY BAGS!"  Her voice rose to a barely contained shriek as she stamped her foot to mark the last four words, "and another thing, I want to be as far away from those two as physically possible" She nodded toward the two undertakers who were waiting patiently for their respective overnight cases.

"Please be a little less shrill, dear" Lawrence whispered, hopelessly, "I'm sure they can hear you"

"I DON'T CARE IF THEY CAN HEAR ME." She bellowed, causing Archibald Thurble to drop the bag he had just reclaimed, "They're a complete liability.  Nothing but death and destruction follows, wherever they go."

Unable to ignore the heated discussion any longer, Josiah Oakshott felt compelled to join in.

"My dear lady," he began politely, "I can assure you that it is not our intention to impinge upon your holiday plans any further.  Indeed, once we have collected our belongings, and conducted our brief business here in Alicante, my associate and I will be returning to the U.K. with immediate effect."

"And without even chance for a paddle!"  Archibald commented miserably.

"Without, as my colleague has just pointed out, the opportunity for a moment's rest and relaxation.  I wish you a pleasant stay, madam."  Josiah grasped his bag, nodded stiffly to Amber and Lawrence, and set off across the square, with Archibald stumbling along in hot pursuit.

Lawrence, crimson with embarrassment, grabbed the wheeled suitcases that had just landed at his feet and marched in the opposite direction to Josiah and Archibald.

"Lawrence...Lawrence, where are you going?"  Amber panted as she tried to keep up with him.

"I believe our hotel is in this direction" Lawrence muttered through gritted teeth.  He stopped in his tracks, suddenly, as a car hurtled out of a side street, nearly clipping the bulging money belt around his waist.  One of the two men inside the car made an apologetic hand movement, but the other, the driver, hurried on, unconcerned.

"Wasn't that those two chaps on the 'plane?" Amber gasped.

"The two police officers, yes."  Lawrence agreed, "They've just come out of our hotel's car park" 

"It seems to me, we can't go anywhere without..."  A quick glance at Lawrence's grim expression persuaded Amber to abandon her comment and trail along behind him, dutifully.

Now try Episode 8