No-One Likes A Polymath

“Ah, Purkis, come in, take a seat.” 

“You wanted to see me Professor?” 

“Yes Purkiss, your essay, it was due month ago.” 

“Sorry professor but I’ve been busy, I got a call from the England Sevens side, they needed me to take over as captain for the Argentina game, then I got a call a call from NASA, they wanted me to give a tech talk to their team as they were having problems with their new rocket, and then obviously I was in the world chess tournament and the underwater olympics.” 

“These external activities are all well and good Purkiss, but you mustn’t let them interfere with your academic studies.  Your exam in Michaelmas, you missed it entirely.” 

“There was a wounded sea urchin and I was the only person qualified to tend to it.” 

“You can’t keep missing exams Purkiss, you did the same last year.  What was your excuse then?” 

“It wasn’t an excuse Professor, it was a genuine emergency. I was asked to take over as temporary Pope.  And I had to play in the Vatican lacrosse team as their goalkeeper was injured.” 

“I’m going through your record Purkiss, it’s one excuse after another: 'I had to perform emergency surgery on a sea bass, I was called away by the military to fix one of their submarines, no less than seven different world sporting championships, four TED talks, six UN speaking engagements, talking down a suicidal parakeet from the top of  a high rise building and the dog ate my homework'.” 

“There’s more to academic life than studying professor.” 

“How would you know, there’s no evidence that you’ve done any studying at all.  You’ve submitted no essays, completed none of the exams, and haven’t attended a single lecture for two  years.” 

“I’ll do better next year Professor.” 

“You’re on a one-year course, Purkiss.  You've been on the one-year course for ten years now. You keep getting extensions for one-off reasons, I’ve a list here, running anger management courses for swans, headlining Glastonbury, teaching echolocation to a cauldron of young bats, compering Live at the Apollo.  We can’t keep you on the course if you never do any work.” 

“It's not fair, I can't help it if I'm busy, everybody hates a polymath.” 

“I’ll give you one week to complete the essay otherwise I’ll have to speak to the vice-chancellor.” 

“But professor ...” 

“I don’t care what you’re doing this week, training the SAS, teaching the US president to talk coherent sentences, running handgliding lessons for eagles, I need that essay.” 

“It’s not  that professor, I just can’t write the essay.” 

“Why not?” 

“I can’t write.” 

“Can’t write!”

“I never learnt. I’ve always been too busy.  Even at primary school I was running the local council, organising the under sevens olympics and learning to clog dance.”

“Well that’s no excuse Purkiss, I’ll show you.  This is the letter A, for apple, it’s a circle with a little flicked tail, like so.” 

“’A’ for apple.  I see.  Did I mention the time I created a new variety of apple."