The Leaf Blower - Part 2

 

Dennis had mostly enjoyed his trip to Malta, soaking up the sun and getting to know Jenny better. As it turned out she brought more than just hand luggage along with her; she was recovering from a recent divorce, her ex husband had racked up horrific debts in her name, she had also discovered that her father was not her real father and that her recent physiotherapy qualifications were not worth the paper they were printed on.

 

He was tired of it already and planned to make amends with Shobna, if she’d take him back. It was early autumn, a time when he needed to rest and top up his tan before the main event, the big leaf drop of the year. He'd be blowing large volumes of leaves around rather than just the dry detritus of the long hot summer.

 

On Wednesday morning, he drove into the yard and carefully removed the leaf blower from his car, placing it on a bench which was situated just outside the workshop. As he leant back into the vehicle to grab his fleece and lunch box, he noticed Les walking off with it at a pace far quicker than his usual apathetic saunter.

 

‘Hey, Les, where are you rushing off to with that? I’m just about to fill it up with fuel and get started along the edge of the woodland..’

 

Les had ear protectors on and although he could hear a faint voice calling after him. He chose to ignore it and just walk faster.

 

Dennis was torn now, he wanted to go after his colleague and retrieve his beloved leaf blower but he didn’t want to appear irrational or draw attention to his unhealthy dependency on it. People might become suspicious or even discover its supernatural capabilities. The thing was people had already grown suspicious and they’d been discussing it in his absence.

 

He made his way into the staffroom feeling thoroughly aggrieved and out of sorts. As he put his belongings into his locker, he noticed his reflection in the little mirror he had stuck inside the door. Gosh, I’m looking older already, he thought and he felt his heart rate increase a little.

 

‘You alright Dennis,’ said Barry, ‘had a good holiday?’

 

‘Yes, yes, it was okay, nice bit of sunshine before we hit the colder months.’

 

Andy arrived a few seconds later and patted Dennis on the back as he walked past. ‘Aright mate, good trip away with erm, what’s er name?’

 

‘Jenny,’ Dennis nodded. ‘Yes and no. Hey, I don’t suppose you know why Les has absconded with my leaf blower do you? I’d literally just arrived and he scuttled off with it…’

 

Andy grinned, ‘Dunno mate. Maybe he just fancied an easier day, you know, blowing leaves about. He’s been overdoing things lately and his back has been giving him jip.’

 

‘Oh,’ Dennis looked deflated, ‘so when do you think I’ll get it back then?’

 

Barry looked up, ‘It’s not your leaf blower Dennis,’ he said.

 

‘Well I know that but…’

 

‘Look mate,’ said Andy, ‘we all muck in here with whatever needs doing. Some of us have skills, flexibility. Historically you have been employed here simply as a ‘mow and blow’ and that’s fine but recently it seems to me that you’re only a blow.’

 

Dennis looked shocked. ‘I just do whatever needs doing to make the place look tidy!’

 

‘When was the last time you mowed?’

 

‘I dunno, a few months ago.’

 

‘No,’ Andy shook his head, ‘you haven’t mowed once this year, not once. It’s always me or Luke, Les is usually doing the hedges and the awkward stuff, Barry’s in the waterways and you’re just blowing, morning noon and night. We had a chat about it while you were away and things are going to change from now on.’

 

‘I don’t think so Andy. I know you’re the team leader but I’ve been here longer than anyone. This place would look like Chernobyl if I wasn’t here.’

 

Barry threw his head back and laughed. Andy was bewildered by the statement. ‘Look, grab yourself a coffee and go and rake the bunkers, I think there might be a spot of fox poo in the one over by the lake so make sure you take a few bags along. I need you to uncouple yourself from that leaf blower for a few weeks and just let someone else have a turn.’

 

Dennis was not prone to anger but nevertheless he felt stunned, panicked even and unsure how to respond without inflaming the situation. He hadn’t been expecting this kind of pushback and had planned a relaxing day blowing leaves and reversing the aging which had occurred during the few days he’d been away without his special piece of equipment.

 

It was a long, very quiet morning on his own with only the rake, a wheelbarrow to collect a few weeds and then the fox poo which he had to bag up, heaving as he did so. He remembered now just how much he hated being a groundsman but how he’d carved out a niche for himself with that leaf blower. Nobody bothered him when he was blowing, they couldn’t, he couldn’t hear them, he was in a world of his own and he didn’t like speaking to people at the best of times.

 

The slow realisation that the tool had anti-aging qualities had simply been an added bonus. It was other people who’d noticed it at first, Dennis’s brother Carl had remarked on how smooth his complexion had become and his sister-in-law had even questioned whether he’d had cosmetic procedures done. And the more he used it, the younger he felt and looked until he was absolutely convinced of the connection.

 

I should have just stolen it when I had the chance, he thought glumly as he used a landscape rake to even out the sand in the bunker, if only I’d just taken it home and locked it away. Some golfers approached, laughing and talking loudly in Argyle sweaters as they gathered on the tee box. 

 

Dennis didn’t like golfers, he didn’t like golf, tennis and squash were his kind of sporting pursuits. He had been waiting for somebody to buy the golf course up for housing and hoping that because he’d been working there for so long, that the owners would give him a nice pay off and he could retire in comfort, aging backwards with his faithful leaf blower by his side. 

 

In the distance he could hear Les with that leaf blower and it vexed him greatly. There was nothing he could do. He took his break alone in the woods but at lunchtime he was forced to go to the staffroom to fetch his lunch from the lockers.

 

Les arrived for his lunch at the same time, looking pleased with himself. ‘Well that was a nice easy morning,’ he said, ‘I can see why you’ve been hogging this, Dennis. You know it’s funny, I’ve done a bit of leaf blowing here and there when needed but doing it for hours on end, you experience a strange sort of noisy peacefulness, a zenlike state.’

 

‘Hmmph,’ Dennis sulked off to pour himself a drink. He was planning to have lunch in the car when something Barry said distracted him.

 

‘Hey, Les, have you had a hair transplant?’

 

Les was already sitting down biting into his sandwich. He lifted his hand up to the top of his head and had a feel around. ‘Ha ha,’ he laughed, ‘I can’t feel much, my hand’s gone numb.’

 

‘Vibration White Finger,’ said Dennis, ‘you probably shouldn’t use it this afternoon, you’re not used to it.’

 

Barry rolled his eyes. ‘To answer your question Barry, no I haven’t but my wife got me a special shampoo, a German one. Maybe it’s working,’ he grinned.

 

‘I remember learning about Vibration White Finger on television.’ said Andy, ‘I think it was Esther Rantzen who educated me on it. Another reason for us all to take turns with equipment! I’ll let somebody else use the leaf blower after lunch.’

 

Dennis looked around. ‘Is Peter in today?’

 

‘No, he’s got a toothache.’

 

‘Thank god,’ Dennis muttered under his breath, ‘how about Luke?’

 

‘Gone to Hicks Brothers to pick up a scarifier that we’ve hired for the week. You could have a go on that later, Dennis if you like. It will be good for you to brush up on all your skills again.’

 

Dennis shrugged, ‘If you say so. I’m going to my car for a bit.’

 

He felt the others' eyes on him as he went outside and sat in his Volvo. The thing was, it was true, Les’s hair had somehow thickened in the four hours he’d been using the leaf blower. ‘It’s the beginning of the end,’ Dennis whispered with a long sigh as he tuned into Radio Bath.