Feeling Inadequate

By AbdulazizUgas

Sun, 17 Apr 2022

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5 comments

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As I comfortably lay in bed, I felt a sense of growing inadequacy. I don't feel whole or complete. Like a broken cup of glass hastily glued back together, I feel fractured.

I've been hiding from the truth for so long. That I am genuinely sad and hurting, and although I come across as confident to many folks I've met; the truth could be found in how my voice wavered un-evenly. How I sometimes excessively talk just to get away from the thoughts that swirl within my mind. To fill the silence and void.

Why I walk so often, for so long at a time; often without saying a word, except to sometimes say a polite greeting to the people passing by on my solitary journeys through the city and parks.

I feel inadequate.

If I'm not listening to music, I am thinking, Too deeply. About my unfair current circumstance with forced psychiatry. About the past and my years spent as a lonely young man. And even further back, as a bullied innocent child; taunted by my 5th and 6th grade classmates. I like to tell myself that its long past and it doesn't matter, but part of the reason I feel so broken, is that I was a victim of bullying. All I wanted were genuine friends. All I got was rejection and unnecessary hate.

A decade later, now 2014 and 20 years of age; and not that bullied 10 year old, I found myself suddenly hostage. Psychiatry had its grimey, blood-tainted hands over my life. I was given heavy sedating pharmaceutical drugs. All without my choice or understanding of what I'd gotten myself into. The most tragic part of this psychiatric experience being that my character was and is continually attacked, just to justify the forced anti-psychotics.

Psychiatry slowly but surely made me begin to lose my dreams as an aspiring professional male Model and Author. My once free and fervent imagination now a loop of thoughts at the injustice of losing my rights to autonomy and choice over my body. I was slowly losing who I was. If I had a good confidence, it was knit-picked, torn-apart as delusions of grandeur. Words so easily dished out, but that stung and hurt-deeply. What little confidence I'd fostered and grew over the years, was being squandered by "professionals" . When you're given a mentally-ill diagnoses, its a group effort to label a precious mind.

I, despite these un-just and in-humane experiences of being drugged senselessly, rekindled and am continuing to work towardd achieving a semblance of success in my chosen fields as an author, and supermodel. In fact, these obstacles I currently face, add fuel and fire to make something of myself; to work hard and achieve my goals. And when I do--Universe wiling--I will likely aim even higher. To go back to school, learn Neuroscience in University and pick up a new hobby like learning how to play an exotic and as-of-yet undecided instrument.

I think, its easy to say, I feel feelings of inadequacy because I have yet to achieve my treasured goals. But hey, i'm still young; as old as my mind feels, I am only 27. Just a decade ago, I was a teenager, and a decade before that, only 7. So i will breathe easy now, remembering all the beautiful years ahead of me. If and when I grow to be an old man; I wish to be agile, strong, and flexible of mind and body. My love and passion of Yoga, will help me to achieve my goals as an old but serene man.

I was bullied for being sensitive and soft-spoken. But have learned over the years what a gift it is to be gentle of heart mind and spirit. And its okay to feel inadequate and incomplete; its a symptom of wanting to improve--and be more.

Comments

I wish you all the best luck

Permalink Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on Sun, 2022-04-17 06:37

I wish you all the best luck in finding what you hope for abdulaziz

Those last three lines summed

Permalink Submitted by skinner_jennifer on Sun, 2022-04-17 15:08

Those last three lines summed up exactly how I feel. We never know what's around the corner and the bad things that happen can only make us stronger.

Best wishes for future happiness.

Jenny.

The uplifting thoughts you

Permalink Submitted by Penny4athought on Sun, 2022-04-17 15:34

The uplifting thoughts you voice in the end of your piece are optimistic and spiritually beautiful, and show you have an old soul of understanding. This world can be cruel and there is unfairness everywhere. It can be difficult to separate from the meanness and see it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with those who wield it, but your last lines show that you have done that successfully. I too, like insert and jenny stated above, wish you the best in finding what you hope for.

Penny4athought

It is great that you know

Permalink Submitted by Di_Hard on Sun, 2022-04-17 18:43

It is great that you know feeling incomplete is not a bad thing at all, it is a need, a hunger to grow. And you can grow so many ways! Unexpected ways you might never have thought would bring happiness? Gentleness and an open mind are wonderful qualities! Life will flood in

Keep on - you're good

Permalink Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on Mon, 2022-04-18 07:24

Hey keep on, Abdulaziz.

Over-medication can make you fat and slow. I have been there myself. If you have a good doctor try telling them that you feel well and suggesting they reduce your dosage. If your doctor is no good try finding a better doctor.

You're good. Keep on.

All the best,

Rach