Sample Chapter from my book Family Man - Bonnyrigg not Bonnybridge

 

Saddled wae Bruce fur the weekend. The result ae, Aldo, as he so often does, callin in a favour. The Mrs wisnae too thrilled tae satisfy this particular request. Mean, she’s no exactly a dug person. Or a cat yin fur that matter. As it happens, she basically isnae fond ae any member ae the animal kingdom. But even she cairies a glowin torch fur young Bruce. However, his faithur is a different case entirely. At the start ae the week she demanded tae ken where the thirty grand withdrawal fae ma accoont went tae. Paper statement came through fae the RBS accoont which ah’d only jist recently opened. Ken, tae keep ma wind fall awey fae the DWP’s watchful eye. And, as it happens, she decided tae respect ma privacy by rippin the letter open tae take a nosey. As yae kin imagine, ah wis ever sae slightly caught oaff gaird by this. And ultimately ah ended up revealin aw the sordid details ae mines and Aldo’s business arrangement. As predicted, she blew her lid. Bypassin any trial and insteed heidin straight fur the execution. Ever since that moment ah’ve been carefully walkin oan eggshells. The stress ae the situation hit me harder than ah first realised, tae be honest. But even tually her stance softened jist enough that we ended up takin our reconciliation tae the bedroom. Ma cock jist isnae workin properly, though. Point blank refusin tae stey hard. Erectile dysfunction at ma tender age, eh? it’s a cripplin fuckin disability. Hinkin aboot fillin a claim fur the Scottish Adult Disability Payment, actually. Even though ah’m certain it’s the result ae me bein a victim ae Aldo’s criminal mastermind.

In the hope ae it easin the stress ae the situation, ah decided tae grab the opportunity tae baby sit Bruce wae baith hands. And, as luck wid huv it, ma Aunty Margaret in Bonnyrigg posted oan Facebook that she wis oaff tae Tenerife fur the week. No been in that area since Leith Star clashed wae their local team Bonnyrigg Rose. A text wis quickly sent askin her if ah could hoose sit fur a couple ae nights alongside the wee man. Aldo’s takin Roxy and Jen tae the Taylor Swift concert in Liverpool, yae see. Ma aunt, of course, wis only too happy tae accept ma proposal. And ah cannae lie. Ah wis equally as chuffed tae escape Christina’s wrath fur forty-eight hours. The hoose is rather oan the grand side, likes. Situated in the posh part ae the town cawed, Broomieknowe. Ah guess technically it’s no a mansion. But yae kin certainly be forgivin fur hinkin it is. Especially when yae take in its domineerin size and six bedrooms. The minute ah turned the key ae the front door Bruce raced inside. Waggin his tail and yelpin up at me. Our new digs passed his inspection wae flyin colours. We baith felt at ease, right awey. In fact, we wur enjoyin each other’s company sae much that ah even furgoat tae check in wae the missus. She wis ragin, likes. Pure boilin. Understandable, ah guess. What wae her bein heavily pregnant, n that. Didnae take her long tae phone me up tae hammer haime that ah’m a gid fur nuttin waste ae space. No that me ignorin her wis a conscience decision. Aw the same ah obviously didnae dare say that tae her. Efteraw, bein up the duff means that her hormones are ootae whack. 

 

Our first day spent in the sticks flew in. Ah took Bruce tae the walkway near the skate park aroond fae the Co-op. Clearly a popular spoat fur the local teenagers tae drink and git stoned. Maire than yince massel and Bruce caught the words ‘BYT’ spray painted acroass the concrete ae King George V Park durin our travels. The cawin caird ae the local young team. Ah remember readin an article in the Edinburgh Evening News aboot the local church minister takin a severe beatin at their hands. Perr sod wis only dain a toys drive fur needy bairns at Christmas. And insteed ae receivin a deserved round ae applause fur his community spirit, aw’s he goat wis a wired jaw and fifty stiches fur his troubles.

 

Efter the stroll we decide tae take a wander through the High Street tae grab a munch at Greggs. Aldo hud stated how much the little guy enjoys their greasy sausage rolls. Fuck me, eh? it’s weird, likes. This place hus maire hairdressers than even Madonna could ever yaise. And there’s enough takeaway’s tae ensure any fat cunt you’ve ever met wid believe they’re in heaven. The pair ae us wur left a little panicked by the sight ae a tower ae a man standin at the bus stoap ootside the bakers. Clutchin a can ae Special Brew he proceeded tae roar at the toap ae his lungs. His words wur neither English nor Scots. It jist sounded like a jumbled-up ramble that even a skilled interpreter wid struggle tae grasp. The wuman servin me seemed surprisingly unfazed by the local mascot and assured me he’s a treasured Bonnyrigg landmark. Heard many stories aboot these Bonnyrigg dodgy cunts. Fae what ah’ve learnt they wid punt their ain gran fur the price ae a fish supper. Yince the wee guy scoffed his lunch we landed ootside a shoap cawed Moons tae stock up oan some much-needed supplies.

 

By the time we returned tae the hoose it wis awready early evenin. Where we settled doon tae spend a few hours in front ae the boax whilst enjoyin a decent scran. The nixt day we heided back tae the park fur a stroll and a spoat ae lunch fae the local chippy cawed Gloria’s. Later that night when ah go tae draw the curtains ae the livin room where ah notice it’s almost pitch dark oot there. A reminder that winter hud arrived, ah hink tae massel. Suddenly, ah kin hear Bruce whimper behind me. As ah turn roond ah kin see him starin up at me wae his leash in his mooth. Wae his big, dreamy eyes starin back. Ah cannae quite believe it, tae be honest. We’d been oot fur ages and yit there he is, still eager tae go fur a stroll. Ah genuinely cannae be arsed, tae tell yae the truth. But jist like Aldo alweys says, eh? it’s impossible tae say no tae him.

 

‘Okay Bruce,’ ah say. ‘Lits go then, should we go fur a really long yin this time?’

 

 His tail immediately starts frantically waggin and he lits oot an approvin yelp.

 

We heid tae a popular cyclin path cawed the railway thanks tae the GPS oan ma phone. This will take us tae the neigh bourin toon ae Rosewell and when we git tae the right path ah’m relieved tae see it’s brightly lit by streetlamps. The same, however, cannae be said fur the accompanyin fields at either side ae us. They are eerily consumed by the night. Darkness everywhere and it soon comes tae ma attention that there’s no a single soul aboot, either. Ah feel a slight hesitance inside me. Suttin is tellin me that we shouldnae continue and that we should insteed retreat back tae ma aunt’s place. But as ah look doon at Bruce ah see that he isnae feelin the same trepidation. Probably brek his wee hert if ah decide tae back track now.

 

Before too long we’ve reached a sign which tells us that Rosewell is now only half a mile awey. And in aw the time it’s taken us tae reach this marker, we still huvnae encountered anyboady else oan our travels. Ah really want tae start wavin the white flag and caw it quits. It’s gittin late and ah’m fuckin knackered. Aw this healthy exercise certainly isnae agreein wae me. But as ah look doon at Bruce it’s crystal clear that he’s in his element. He’s no pantin or showin any signs ae tiredness. It’s a demoralisin image. Oan toap ae that, oot ae naewhere, ah cloack this blue, fluorescent light comin fae the field at the right side ae us. It wisnae there a second ago, ah convince massel. The fuckin hing literally jist appeared ootae thin air. We stoap deid in our tracks and ah kin tell that even Bruce hus become unnerved. Ah hear him wail as he tugs at his leash. Cautiously though, we duck fur cover behind a nearby fence. Baith ae us peerin through a gap tae observe the scene. Then aw ae a sudden ma erse faws directly behind me. Two mammoth men, like huge, actual giants, ah mean. Each probably standin at eighteen fit tall are levitatin in the light. They’re oan what looks like hover boards, n aw. Proper Back to the Future shite and baith are draped in metallic lookin uniforms. Sportin helmets, tae. But no bike helmets, yae understand. And the fear broat oan simply by witnessin thum leaves me utterly paralysed. Ah want tae scream tae wake massel up fae this real-life nightmare but ah cannae. Ah’m unable tae dae a hing and now Bruce hus been left speechless as well. He’s no barked or made a single soond. Suddenly, he’s in the same helpless state as ah um. He’s rooted tae the spoat. Ah reckon we’ve watched thum in that field fur aboot five minutes, likes. Although it really does feel like hours.

 

 ‘This is some Spielberg or George Lucas type ae stuff. ‘Bruce,’ ah whisper tae him, maintainin ma gaze oantae these intruders. ‘Yae read stories aboot these small toons. Everyhing seems awrite through theday. Come nighttime though and aw the creeps and weirdos come oot in force. The Wicker Man soart ae pish. Sick shit.’

 

It aw comes tae an abrupt end when they start risin thumselves up in the air. A legit beam me up Scotty moment fae Star Trek. And that’s when the source ae the spine-chillin blue light becomes clear. Ah follae thum wae ma eyes as they git higher and higher. Until eventually ah see it. It’s the mothership fae where they came. Fuck me, it’s jist like yae see in the movies. Same flyin saucer shape and it’s gigantic. A craft that’s so often described by eyewitnesses. Nae question it must be the same size ae a fitbaw pitch. Efter the two giants disappear aboard it so too does the ship itself. And at the blink ae an eye it’s gone withoot makin sae much as a peep. As if it wis never there at aw.

 

‘Bruce,’ ah say, still starin up intae the sky and ponderin whether ma brain hus jist pulled oaff a better trick than David Copperfield. ‘Did you see that, pal?’

 

Ah look doon tae see why he’s sae quiet but tae ma horror, he’s gone. Ah speedily burl ma heid aroond in the direction fae where we came and ah see that he’s awready halfwey doon the brightly lit fitpath, runnin fur his life.

 

‘Bruce!’ ah shout in desperation whilst racin efter him. ‘Dinnae leave me!’

 

He stoaps and when ah eventually catch uptae him he’s quiverin. Ah manage tae bend doon, carefully scoopin him up in ma airms. No ashamed tae admit it, likes. But as ah’m huddin the wee guy tightly the tears begin streamin doon ma puss. Mibbie fear, possibly relief, or maire likely a bit ae baith. Aw ah ken fur certain is here we are, likes. The two ae us alone oan the path yince maire. Embracin yin another. Neither ae us ever wantin tae lit go. Cannae even remember how we did it. But somehow, we manage tae git back tae ma aunties. At best aw ah’m certain ae is that ah cerried Bruce the entire wey there. Yince back under the safety ae a roof ah sit doon oan the couch and Bruce immediately jumps up and starts cuddlin intae me again. Ah’m tryin tae stey strong, of course. But the truth is ah’m probably maire terrified than he is. In time the wee angel faws asleep. And ah find massel replayin that moment inside ma heid, Rememberin exactly how fucked up the whole sorry mess is. Ah stand gaird over the little man, airmed wae ma aunt’s fryin pan. Suttins tellin me though this might no be the best line ae defence against the Imperial Starfleet.

 

Move along tae the mornin ah’ve still no slept a wink. Likely ah’ve drank ma boady weight in coffee tae stey alert as well. Thankfully, nae maire visits fae the stars tae report. Bruce is still evidently rocked by last night’s events n aw when he wakes up and trust me, eh? he’s no the only yin. Barely touches the brekkie ah rustle up fur him and seems jist as eager as me tae escape Bonnyrigg. Efter a thorough clean up Aldo decides tae text me tae confirm they’re back in Edinburgh. So come half eleven we’re inside an Uber ready tae return tae civilisation. And in gid time, the guy behind the wheel makes it over tae Aldo’s gaff. Ah hastily pey the boay and as soon as the two ae us jump ootside Aldo’s stood there awready waitin tae welcome us.

 

‘Bruce!’ he shouts as loudly as he kin. ‘There’s Daddy’s main man!’

 

The wee guy scarpers taewards him and Aldo crouches doon tae pet the cherub.

 

‘Ah’ve missed yae sae much,’ he says.

 

 Rapidly his cheer dissolves intae concern when he senses suttins up wae his four-legged son.

 

‘What’s the matter, pal?’ he asks, comin oaff worried.

 

Bruce jist sprints through the opened front door. Leavin Aldo appearin crestfallen. It doesnae take long fur his faithur tae come at me full steam aheid. Gittin right intae ma puss.

 

 ‘What the fuck is wrong wae him?’ he stresses.

 

‘Some serious shit went doon in Bonnyrigg, mate,’ ah tell him.

 

‘Well, ah’m tellin yae right now, Craigy,’ he says, wae a stoned puss expression. ‘You better no huv loast him again?’

 

‘Nah, it wis nuttin like that, mate,’ ah reassure him. ‘We saw Aliens.’

 

He’s stood there baffled by ma confession at first but eventually finds his voice.

 

‘Aliens?’ he ponders, whilst rollin his eyes. ‘Yae wur in Bonnyrigg, ya bam. No fuckin Bonnybridge. And what the fuck huv ah telt yae before? Never dae drugs aroond him!’

 

‘Ah didnae, mate,’ ah promise him. ‘Oan ma unborn bairn’s life. It’s the fuckin truth.’

 

‘Look,’ he says. ‘Ah need check oan, him. Dougie’s at The Carousel. Heid doon there and ah’ll join you’s two as soon as ma wee boay’s settled. Hopefully yull start hinkin clearer efter the come doon eases.’

 

‘Fine,’ ah confirm, kennin fine well he’s no buyin what ah’m sellin.

 

When ah walk tae the boozer ah’m wrestlin wae the notion ae whether or no ah should jist keep the tale tae massel. But then ah remember that Aldo’s awready in the loop. Kennin he’s maire ae a gossip than ten barmaids combined ah realise that it’s too late tae remain quiet. As ah walk inside the pub ah find Dougie chattin tae Archie behind the bar. So yince ah’ve approached thum ah grin and bear it and right awey start revealin aw the weird events fae the other night. Yince ah’ve finished explainin aw they dae is stare at each other in sheer disbelief before burstin oot in a fit ae laughter.

 

‘Christ!’ chuckles, Dougie. ‘Yae wur dain sae well oaff the gear, Craigy. Ah suppose yin relapse isnae too bad though, mate.’

 

‘Ah wisnae fuckin high!’ ah seethe. ‘Ah’m tellin the truth!’

 

Archie composes himself, ‘Dinnae worry, son. Ah believe yae.’

 

‘You do?’ ah say, glarin at him, ma puss caked in hope.

 

 ‘Oh, aye,’ he utters. ‘Ah hear ET’s goat a Craig Robertson poster pinned tae his wah n aw.’

Wae this their laughter resumes and that’s when the pubs doors explode open. It’s Aldo who quickly lunges at me, pinnin me up against the bar.

 

‘You weaselly bastard!’ he erupts, foamin at the mooth. ‘What the fuck huv yae done tae, Bruce?’

 

 Ah’m brickin it, tae be honest. Shakin like a leaf but fortunately Dougie peels us apart and Aldo loosens his grip.

 

‘Take a breather, Aldo,’ he reminds him. ‘What’s the matter?’

 

‘Ask this prick,’ he fires back, signallin tae me, fumin. ‘Bruce took yin look at his teddy alien Stitch fae the bairn’s film Lilo & Stitch. Nixt hing ah ken he’s huvin a full-blown panic attack.’

 

‘Ah’m fuckin tellin yaise!’ ah plead wae thum. The frustration in ma voice uncontrollable. ‘They wur fuckin huge bastardin aliens. They wur floatin aboot oan these hover boards. They hud space helmets oan, n aw. The weirdest shit ah’ve ever seen and if wee Bruce could talk, he’d be tellin yae the exact same fuckin hing.’

 

Soon as this passionate monologue ae mines comes tae its conclusion an apparent miracle occurs. Cos that’s when Auld Grant, who’s sat at a nearby table, decides tae intervene.

 

‘Sorry, lads,’ he says, spreadin his copy ae The Record oot acroass the bar. ‘Ah never meant tae eavesdroap. Private conversation n aw that. But as much as the young man here is seemingly talkin a loadae shite. What ah’ve jist read in this hus made me pretty spooked, tae be honest.’

 

The three ae us immediately huddle aroond tae take a peek. And the instant sense ae vindication ah feel is almost overwhelmin. Especially efter ah’ve noticed how utterly rattled ma pals and sceptics are. In big bold letters the headline reads, ‘ALIEN ENCOUNTER IN MOSCOW’. And as we read oan it goes oan tae describe how wee Russian bairns hud witnessed the exact same hing as me and Bruce. The descriptions ae what ah’d jist finished tellin them matchin up, precisely. Everything fae their enormous size. The helmets. The fluorescent glue light comin doon fae their ship which wis silently floatin above thum. The hover boards and even the identical wey in which they departed the scene