...the wisdom to know the difference...

I looked at my watch again; 10:42, two minutes later than the last time I’d looked. The thought that she might not turn up entered my mind for the first time even though we’d agreed a quarter to eleven. I picked up the cup of half drunk and quickly cooling coffee and noticed for the first time that my hand was actually shaking. I put the cup back down and leaned back, taking a deep breath; I’d thought I was ready; after three years of hell I thought I was ready but the only thought going through my mind at that second was how much I needed a drink. That alone terrified me. It was too soon; I wasn’t as ready as I’d thought. I started to slide out of the booth, to get away before she…
‘Hello Alex.’
I froze; there was so much in those two simple words; hope, fear, anticipation and even a little of the anger… I looked up at her. She hadn’t changed; not at all. I wanted to speak but no words would come. All I could do was motion to the seat opposite.
She hesitated then slide in behind the table, never taking her eyes off me and I knew why; I had changed in those three years. I was thirty pounds lighter, my face looked gaunt even to my own eyes when I could bring myself to look in a mirror. But at least the eyes that stared back at me with the accusatory glare were clear and alert.
We sat staring at each other in silence, maybe would have all day but the waitress came over and stood waiting, chewing gum idly, looking from one to the other of us.
I glanced up, clearing my throat and asked for a fresh coffee, Sara asked for a cup of tea and the waitress picked up my cup and bustled off leaving us alone again.
‘You look… different.’ Sara ventured when it was clear that I wasn’t going to say anything. She didn’t say better because both of us new that we couldn’t choke down that lie; I looked ten years older; not three years older.
‘You don’t.’ I managed, ‘you look exactly the same.’
She forced a smile; a smile that said while she might look the same, she wasn’t.
I glanced down at her hands resting on the table and with a sinking feeling noticed that she wasn’t wearing the ring. She must have noticed because she pulled her hands off the table and hid them beneath.
‘I didn’t think… I mean, your call was a surprise.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She looked at me again and I could see the questions in her eyes; ‘what are you sorry about Alex? Are you sorry that you walked out on me three years ago? Are you sorry about how you treated me? Or are you sorry that you’ve come back into my life again?’
‘I wasn’t going to come.’ She said aloud.
I nodded, ‘I’m glad you did.’
‘Why?’ Her question caught me by surprise, as did the vehemence with which she asked it. ‘Why now Alex?’
‘I’ve wanted to call you everyday for the last three years but I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t face you—’
‘But now you can and I’m supposed to just come running?’
Before I could reply the waitress returned, setting the cups down before us. She glanced at both then left with a smirk on her face.
‘You knew I had to get help; you said so yourself.’
‘But you didn’t have to run away to do it! Six months Alex! Six months of not knowing where you were; whether you were alive or dead. Do you know what that was like? And even then you wouldn’t see me, you wouldn’t speak to me; you never answered my letters.’
God I needed a drink. ‘I never meant—’
‘What? You never meant to hurt me? Is that what you’re going to say? But you did hurt me Alex; you scared the hell out of me; I thought… I thought you were blaming me—’
‘No! I never blamed you and I never will, it was me; it was all me.’
‘I told you I would stand by you; that we’d get through it together.’
‘I had no right to ask you—’
‘You didn’t. It was my choice.’ She whispered softly. ‘But you didn’t give me the chance; you just ran.’
I swallowed, blinking back the tears. I could see the pain on her features; the very pain I’d tried to spare her by leaving.
‘The only way I could do it; the only way I could get clean was if I gave up everything; I had to have something to…’ My words faltered as I realised how stupid they sounded.
‘To come back too? And I was supposed to sit pining for you however long it took?’
I shook my head, she still didn’t see it. ‘I never expected you to wait for me.’ I said quietly. ‘I thought, wanted you to get on with your life, forget about me; hate me as much as I hated myself…’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I didn’t ask you here to try and get back together; I’ve known right from the start that was impossible. I asked you here to say sorry. To make amends for what I’ve done to you. To tell you that I want you to be happy.’ I’d said the words; words that I’d never thought I’d have the strength to say. I didn’t need that drink anymore.
‘And what about what I want? Did you ever think about that? Did you even once consider asking me what I wanted?’
‘I’m giving you what you want—’
‘No you aren’t!’ She snapped. ‘I’ll decide what it is that I want. She rummaged in the pocket of her jacket and drew out a little box, sliding it across the table to me.
I didn’t open it; I didn’t need to. I already knew what was in it. I remembered her face when I’d gone down on one knee and opened that box in the middle of the office; remembered the embarrassment tempered with the joy…’
‘I took it off when I found you; when you wouldn’t see me.’ She slid out of the booth and stood as I kept staring at the box.
I felt her fingers brush my cheek and fall away.
‘All I ever wanted was to be your wife; that has never changed. I hope you’ve learned what that means. If you want me to be happy, ask me again.’
Before I could say anything she was gone. I sat staring at the box. I was scared; the same scared I’d been those years before; scared that I wouldn’t be good enough for her; that one day I’d loose her again. The same scared that had sent me diving into the bottle. But you know what, as scared as I was; I didn’t want a drink. I wanted Sara. I paid for the coffee and tea and stood scooping up the little box. It was raining outside when I left the café; she was standing there waiting for me. I was still scared but I took her hand when she held it out to me.