Ah! Viva Latino! A two hander sketch

Ah! Viva Latino!
A two hander sketch

A sitting room. Mid-day

Enter ARTHUR

Arthur:
I’ve been all morning in that travel agents.

Edna:
Yes, all right, Arthur, but did you get us booked?

Arthur:
Of course, but I’m gasping for a cuppa…

Edna:
All in good time. I’ve been on pins all morning.

Arthur:
Well, we’re booked no problem…

Edna:
So why was you so long?

Arthur:
It was the insurance I had terrible trouble trying to get it.

Edna:
They don’t want to insure anything these days.

Arthur:
No, if it’s likely to happen they won’t insure. And if it’s something out of the ordinary they say it’s an Act of God and that you’re not insured for that either…so they’ve pretty much got every angle covered.

Edna:
Thieving rogues the lot of them. Mind you if we hadn’t been insured on that first holiday we would never have learned how to do all this.

Arthur:
You’re right love.

Edna:
That was a bit of luck me having to be quarantined and bedridden for six weeks.

Arthur:
Yeah we learned a thing or two on that trip.

Edna:
Lovely accommodation and the flight back was lovely.

Arthur:
Yes, that was one of our better claims. How do you feel about Malaria?

Edna:
No, we’re booked for Cuba now.

Arthur:
Pudding! It’s a disease not a destination!

Edna:
Oh, then that sounds promising.

Arthur:
No, I think we’ll keep Malaria in reserve in case we can’t think of anything better.

Edna:
Ooh, don’t put the kibosh on things with talk of getting better.

Arthur:
No, still, we need something we haven’t used before.

Edna:
I’ll think of something I always do.

Arthur:
Anyway, why have you always been so keen to go to Cuba?

Edna:
Well, only since I started the dancing really. I love it and also I wanted to go somewhere we haven’t been before.

Arthur:
I thought you’d want to go back to the Seychelles. You seemed to really enjoy that one.

Edna:
Yes but when you’ve been to as many places as we have it all gets a bit samey.

Arthur:
Yeah, suppose and we did nearly get caught out on that little jaunt.

Edna:
You mean when they caught me outside…sunbathing?

Arthur:
Yeah. Telling them you had a skin complaint and had to spend time in the sun each day was a master stroke.

Edna:
Well, it’s no good getting any older if I don’t get any craftier.

Arthur:
True.

Edna:
Yeah, and where were you when they were giving me the third degree?

Arthur:
With the travel rep telling her we would need to be repatriated by Air Ambulance.

Edna:
Oh yeah. Lovely way to travel…like going Business Class.

Arthur:
More like First Class.

Edna:
And the food!!! I’d certainly use them again.

Arthur:
Yeah they’ll take some beating.

Edna:
What names are we using this time?

Arthur:
Cyril and Martha Horncastle.

Edna:
Good they’ve got a nice respectable ring to them.

Curtain down

Curtain Up

Arthur and Edna are sitting with their suitcases by their side. Edna is looking flustered.

Arthur:
Now, have we’ve got everything? Flight tickets, boarding passes, visas…

Edna:(Impatiently)
Yes, Yes. I've told you.

Arthur:
All right. No need to snap.

Edna:
Sorry. Didn't mean to. I was just thinking I shall miss quite a few of my dancing classes. Still, I suppose the holiday will make up for it. With any luck we should be able to stretch it out to about six weeks if things go according to plan but I won’t deny I will miss my dancing.

Arthur:
Oh, you and your blinking dance classes. I should have thought Cuba would make up for missing a few classes.

Edna:
I enjoy them and especially now we’ve learned how to do the Argentinian Tango. I don’t like to boast but I’m the best one there. Miss Hetty says my legs were made for that dance.

Arthur:
Well, I hope you’re sensible and wear your support tights that’s all I can say.

Edna:
Yes, I could never swing my legs about like that if I wasn’t wearing them. My Mother used to say, “Edna, look after your legs because one day they’ll look after you.”

Arthur:
What did she mean by that?

Edna:
I’ve no idea. You know what Mother was like…enigmatic!

Arthur:
Was she? I always thought she was rheumatic!

Edna:
Anyway you go on about my dance classes but what about you and your art classes? These days you’re breaking your neck to get there.

Arthur:
Yes, that’s because we’ve got a new model for our life classes. Bit of all right let me tell you.

Edna:
I should have thought you was past all that.

Arthur:
I thought so too once you started wearing support tights but you should see this girl… (He makes gesture wife does not see) talk about big balongas!

Edna:
Oh, I didn’t realise she was a musician.

Arthur:
Musician?

Edna:
Yeah, you know them Balonga thingies…I think they’re Caribbean?

Arthur:
Oh, I wondered why you didn’t object to me going to the Life classes. Mind you if she can knock a tune out of ‘em as well then, in my book, that’s a pretty neat trick by anyone’s standards.

Edna:
Well, forget about all that I think they’re calling our flight.

Arthur:
Yes, look it’s up on the board. Come on.

Exit ARTHUR and EDNA.

Curtain down

We hear airport noises for a while which is then followed by music suitable for doing an Argentinian Tango and that too should last a goodly while as the actors would need a quick change here. Probably best if they had their costume change under what they were wearing first off.

Curtain Up

Enter ARTHUR and EDNA wearing shorts/tee shirts/ sandals and big Mexican type hats. They are escorted by two non speaking officials.

Voice of unseen Custom Officer:
Anything to declare?

Edna:
Yes, I’d like to declare that I am a sick woman and I have been ruthlessly manhandled by these two gorillas. I am a martyr to my health and I should really be travelling home by Air Ambulance. As a valued customer all the other insurance companies have been only too pleased to accommodate my requirements.

Arthur:
Yes, make no mistake, you will be hearing from our lawyers!

Arthur:
Mind you, Edna, I would have thought you had more sense…

Edna:
Oh, don’t keep going on…

Arthur:
Well, any person suffering from Argentine haemorrhagic fever would not be in the best of health to go demonstrating the Argentinian Tango. Someone was bound to smell a rat!

Edna:
I know. I know. Anyone can make a mistake…It would never have happened if I had done the Paso Doable instead!

Arthur:
And to cap it all they’ve not put us on a direct flight home either. It looks like we’ve got to go via Paris.

Edna:
Oh, no. That’s going to put hours on our journey.

Arthur:
Well, you’ve only yourself to blame.

Edna:
All right, all right. There’s no need to rub it in.

Arthur:
Well, thanks to you and your dancing, Edna, it looks like we’re going to be doing our Last Tango in Paris!

End