Cooperation - A Recently Published Government White Paper (I.P.)

Cooperation - A Recently Published Government White Paper (I.P.)

The Next Step - What it will mean to the Electorate?

Cooperation between the Conservatives and the Lib-Dems is set to continue for as long as the Coalition can stay on friendly terms and they have issued a White Paper to this effect. The document states their intention of continuing with this Policy as outlined in previous Toilet, I mean, White Papers, whilst at the same time strictly maintaining their policy of Non-Cooperation with the Electorate.. This could seriously affect people who are currently under the care of the NHS as well as Pensioners.

Apparently, the Conservatives and the Lib-Dems have made another one of those pledge thingies. Nick Clegg, when interviewed on This Morning, and David Cameron, when he was last allowed out to play, both vowed to end the present injustice of some people having more than others and they have both promised to do everything in their power to ensure that every citizen in the UK is part of the ‘Big Society’ and has access to a degree of comfort that, up until now, has only been enjoyed by Politicians and Wan…Bankers and they have agreed to combine their political weight in order to support this ideal. They said that even in the present economic climate things could not be allowed to continue as they are…not in a free and just society.

When, Vince Cable, Secretary of State for Business, was asked how he envisaged paying for the scheme he replied “I am prepared to put one penny in the pound on Income Tax and if necessary take money out of the NHS. I believe there are plenty of hospital patients that could take a more active role in the running of their hospital and by so doing save money for the more important things such as providing money for the next round of fraudulent claims.

Obviously not all patients would be well enough to carry out these little tasks. Those who had been operated on that day, for example, as well as anybody linked to a heart monitor or drips of any kind would not, perhaps, be up to doing a full ward clean. Nonetheless, they would have to contribute to the overall running of the ward by doing a short stint in the kitchen but only long enough to ensure that all patients received an edible meal.

Those patients who were catheterised, however, would also be excused on the grounds that it is unhygienic to have anyone taking the piss in the kitchen. The preparation of food would be kept simple by offering just one hot meal, chilli or vindaloo were thought to be excellent choices as the consumption of these healthy meals would do away with the need for expensive laxatives as the Minister has been advised that constipation can be a problem with post operatives although the Opposition Party have tried to imply that diarrhoea would pose a clear and present danger.

A further proposal was put to the House by a female Member of the Opposition as she suggested that violent prisoners from Ford Open Prison could, perhaps, be coerced into nursing the sick. The House erupted into spontaneous laughter at this proposal but she retorted that it was typical of the Tories to put obstacles in the way of a good idea. Nursing the sick, she continued, could help with the rehabilitation of violent offenders and could only benefit society at large…that is, when the violent offenders were not at large, so to speak! The Member complained that certain Honourable Gentlemen just didn’t look for the good in people.

A Backbencher then informed the House that the female Member in question had befriended a serial killer who ate his victims. Outraged by this the woman leapt to her feet in defence of the killer by stating that whilst it was true the man ate his victims she could not find it in her heart to condemn him as she herself was exactly the same with a packet of biscuits. “You eat one” she said “then before you know it you’ve eaten the lot!”

Besides, the man had put on so much weight that he had joined Slimming World. Now, instead of eating a person he had a Healthy Extra and saved up his Sins for a special treat. Something to nibble on whilst watching the telly…perhaps an arm or a leg but never anything more and this self discipline had paid off as he was very pleased to have lost half a stone and was proclaimed Slimmer of the Week!

It was put to the two leaders that their ideas on reform were being implemented off the backs of the sick. A claim which they vigorously denied but said that if the money did not come from the NHS then it would have to come from the next area they had earmarked for savings. Namely, Pensioners, as the two leaders believed they were eating away at the resources of this country and this was a problem that needed to be addressed.

Both men said they had swept to power on the pledge that they would not be afraid to take the tough decisions, one of these being what to do with the elderly? Vince Cable’s suggestion, however, was rejected on the grounds that Zimbabwe was too far away for relatives to visit their loved ones and that the air traffic generated by this proposal would have too great an impact on the environment. Although, family visits would have been restricted to once a year between seven and seven thirty on the day of an eclipse.

That aside, Mugabe seemed a trifle too eager to take part in the scheme and the two leaders were suspicious of his motives as he was so unexpectedly keen to come to the negotiating table. However, a solution still has to be found as the elderly cannot be allowed to continue to eat up the resources of this country.

One solution put forward by a former Secretary of State for Defence suggested that Dentists should stop supplying old people with false teeth. Therefore, only those people who had their own full set would survive and those that did not would soon shuffle off this mortal coil as they would not survive for very long on a diet of soup and jelly. Cameron and Clegg both said they would look into the feasibility of such a scheme as it seemed the most humane and implemented in the right way by right minded people could make significant savings.

This would have the added benefit of saving the jobs of senior Civil Servants as they would be needed to carry out the feasibility study which would be certain to guarantee their jobs for several years if not decades. Something which both men thought would be an excellent outcome and one that would rid society of a long term problem whilst at the same time guaranteeing the cooperation of those same Civil Servants who, at best, could be an awkward set of individuals.

One Member, when still out on bail, speaking on behalf of the Opposition, castigated the idea as inhumane and preposterous to which Cameron and Clegg replied in unison that it was only sour grapes on the part of the former Minister because he had not thought of it first.. The Right Honourable Gentleman then retorted that they were just trying to change the difficult subject of what to do with the elderly and that if they had properly thought through their idea it should be obvious even to people of their limited intellect that the scheme they were advocating was patently flawed.

When asked what he would do instead he replied “Easy peasy! Do away with Opticians! They are the scourge of this country and are responsible for bringing it almost to its knees with the well intentioned but mistaken idea that the elderly should be able to see clearly what was in front of them. Why?” he questioned “It is this misguided idea that has led this fine nation to the brink of economic collapse. Stop issuing spectacles to the elderly and at a stroke you get rid of the major economic drain on our society as the streets would be littered with the remains of Pensioners caught out by the odd juggernaut as they miscalculated the distance and speed of the oncoming vehicle thundering towards them.”

The lifting of speed restrictions in built up areas would aid this idea making huge savings to the National budget and so would provide funding for his idea that we could get rid of the outdated concept of borders and do away with Passport Control for ever.” He went on to say “Dogs, of course, would still need to have Pet Passports as this would be necessary in order to safeguard the public interest.”

The Honourable Gentleman’s ideas seemed to receive a surprisingly favourable response as it was not lost on the Coalition that his proposals could, indeed, save money for the Exchequer not to mention providing funds for paying off non-existent mortgages by those who had not benefited from the previous round of fraudulent claims. So the debate rages on but it will need a spirit of cooperation if it is to gain a cross party consensus in order to implement such far reaching proposals!

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