Subject to Contract

I like Bill. Bill is old school, though. They forget to say "they" when they mean they. To tell the truth Bill is just OLD. I let it slide if I hear the s-words or the h-words, when they’re talking about other people in the office. Besides, I get a bit of a thrill when those words are said. I wouldn’t like to think Bill uses them about me, when I’m not there. But then Bill probably doesn’t. I’m the only one in the office who ever talks to Bill.

Bill was at the company when the last "old-time" conveyancing was done. That’s right! Probably the last house sale in Britain. Bill says a Russian oligarch bought it. I correct that to “brought” and Bill sighs, I don’t know why.

Yes. Well. We do what all solicitors do now. Private suits for pronomial abuse for the most part. It’s where the money is. The rest is dull conveyancing stuff. You know: where two people agree to have sex. You have to have the record search and if you’re going to do it more than once there’s stamp duty to pay. Once you’ve made the deal you agree on a date to exchange contracts, around six weeks later, then it’s pretty much a done deal. Bill says there used to be something called sexual abuse. I find that surprising. Although I do know that sex without a contract didn’t use to be a crime. It’s hard work prosecuting squatters you know, even under public order offences. Bill has told me that a squatter used to be someone who moved into an empty property and lived there. I can’t see the connection with what squatters are now, myself.

Incidentally, I’m having sex in June. My prospective partner has a holiday booked so it’s going to be a little more than six weeks, this time. I’ve had sex before. A couple of times, in fact. I signed pre-coital agreements though. This time we’re hoping to make a baby.