The Aztecs and What Should be Done About Them

Many billions of years ago, after the universe was formed, I was the first and the only life form that existed on a planet far, far away from where we are. Of course, it didn't seem far away to me because I lived there. To me it all seemed very close. You are far, far away from where I used to be, that's the way I prefer to look at it. I put you there, or 'here' as you call it, in case you invented Aztecs and used their ancient knowledge of stones and worship (which sounds a bit like warship) to destroy the world.

I learned from the natural laws of the universe and then I created the angels who then lived on the same planet then. I over-user the word 'then' then, but then I barely spoke any English in those days. I spoke fluent intergalactic space-being but, since nobody else spoke it, it wasn't much use to me. I soon realised my mistake, learned English, and got quite a good grade in my GCSE. As for the angels, they couldn't speak at all. They were over-sized butterflies and had only insect brains.

From there, I came up with the divine plan: creating new lives in the universe. I had designed a chicken and wanted to see if it worked. If it did, I could have eggs for breakfast every day.

THE DIVINE PLAN

Once the plan was formed, the angels and I used our supreme scientific knowledge and technology to create new lives and guide them through evolution. I don't know if you've ever seen the TV program One God and His Angels? Then you'll know what I mean. The lives ran about all over the place and I encouraged my angels, using only whistles and simple insect commands, to round them up and drive them through the gates of evolution and off to salvation, which they could only have after they were dead. The TV didn't consider that part suitable for family viewing, so we didn't mention the purpose of it all. Most of the little buggers ran off into the woods and the angels got over-excited and bit them and chased them up the trees. It was mayhem.

As time passed, I continues to develop many lives throughout the entire universe. The lives that had been liberated (after death, which I euphemistically called 'salvation', it sounded better than 'dinner') helped me to guide other lives that had not yet been liberated. I have no idea what that means, I'm just copying it from my diary. Sometimes I can barely read my own handwriting.

Life on Earth is a part of my divine plan. About 4.6 billion years ago, the angels and I (mostly I - the angels were a bloody liability) created the Sun, Earth, and the other planets in your solar system. We made your moon out of cheese. At one time we thought you'd sussed it, but the one true thing you've discovered in all of your existence you treat as a joke. That's humans for you. I sometimes wonder why I bothered to make you.

I made them orbit according to the natural laws of the universe, and then continued adjusting them to work accurately and harmoniously. You might wonder why, if these were natural laws, I had to keep farting about with them. The truth is, I'm one of those gods who has a compulsion to keep digging up the daisies to see how the roots are growing. You know the sort? I'm not proud of it, but there you are. I can't bear to leave anything alone.

I can't be arsed to write any more so I have inspired one of my creations to tell you the rest.