APP-titude

By HarryC
- 75 reads
A silly bit of nonsense.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
APP-TITUDE
I've got an app to wake me up
an app to switch the kettle on
an app to count my calories
an app to check my blood pressure
an app to measure my steps
an app to monitor my pulse
an app to check my BMI
an app to direct me where I need to go
an app to tell me where the bus is
an app to get me a taxi
an app to improve my selfies
an app that counts my alcohol units
an app that handles my banking
an app that tracks my tortoise
an app that shows me who's at the door
an app to pay for parking
an app to order my shopping
an app to book me a table
an app to order a drink
an app to count my app use
an app that locates my evil twin
an app to remind me to drink water
an app to tell me to stand up
an app to scan my fridge for meals
an app to tell me if my avocado is ripe
an app to rate a stranger's dog
an app to tell me I'm constipated
an app to guess the weight of my poo
an app to tell me when to wee
an app to rate the colour of it
an app to check the times I've had sex
an app to tell people what I'm listening to
an app to identify a piece of music
an app to show everyone my toilet bowl
an app to add up my hangovers
an app to tell me how badly I slept
an app to count the seconds of my life
an app to check locations I won't be visiting
an app to recommend books I won't read
an app that plays Peruvian radio stations
an app to generate white noise
an app to track my mood changes
an app to tell me if someone likes me
an app that makes the sound of a fart
an app to tell me the weather outside
an app to remind me to masturbate
an app to tell me how many apps I've got
an app to help me find my phone
an app to locate my car
an app to locate my home
an app to set my burglar alarm
an app to find me another date
an app to show me everything backwards
an app to show me the world in pink
an app to tell me if I smell
an app to tell me when my hair needs cutting
an app to book the appointment
an app to count my screen hours
an app to tell me the time on Mars
an app to measure my brain density
an app to tell me what's wrong with me
an app to remind me to daydream
I'd be crap without my apps
my life would collapse
without my apps
my apps
my apps
my apps
my apps
my apps.....
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Comments
I would love an app to locate
I would love an app to locate my evil twin. Then they could carry out all the threats I make against the people who keep coming up with apps.
Brought a bit of jollity to the day. Thank you!
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'appy as Harry
Nice one Harry!
Your app list seems to coincide with my needs too.
But all I don't need is an app to tell me to go for a nap. That just happens, like clockwork.
Turlough
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The end is nigh!
My nephew 'makes' apps for a living. I can only imagine he does this with squeezy bottles, sticky-back plastic and rubber solution glue.
I've only ever once asked him about his work.
Turlough
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A pain in the apse
Did the apses have asps on them?
Christopher Trace was the best. All that followed were mere effigies of the man.
I had a friend who when she was a little girl of about ten was out shopping with her parents and saw Lesley Judd in a shopping centre car park. She was a big fan of Ms Judd but a bit shy. Her parents found her a pen and paper in the car and pushed her off across the car park to ask for an autograph.
Lesley Judd’s response to the request was, ‘Fuck off!’
Turlough
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Ah Apps. What we old timers
Ah Apps. What we old timers used to call Programs. That was in the days I was called A Programmer. Then I became (without getting out of my chair) A Developer. I didn't write Programs any more, I Developed Software. I guess one day people will fall about laughing at what a cute old fashioned word App is.
I'm proud to say I only have two apps on my phone - Kindle and the one which books me a ride on the local on-demand rural bus service.
I know this poem is a bit of fun Harry, but there's a salient warning in there. Did you see that interview with a teenager called Isabelle being asked what she was going to do with the nine hours every weekend she spent on social media apps, now the under 16 ban was coming in ? She said 'Stare at the wall'. I could have cried - or sworn. It perfectly showed just why the ban is needed - we have a generation of teenagers who have turned into unimaginative zombies.
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Completely agree Harry, they
Completely agree Harry, they certainly need to be getting outdoors more. We all used to be Free Range Kids now we've only got Battery Kids. They spend all their time indoors, except when they're bussed about in their parents' SUVs to other indoors.
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Ian Dury
What a shame Ian Dury has passed away, I can just imagine him singing this ...
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