Only half our own

Cherry

By hoalarg1

Thu, 14 Nov 2019
  • 892 reads
7 comments
 

You and me
alone
building camps  
corner wood
in yawning summers
branches for roofs
logs for chairs
our coats for doors
a hideaway
close to home
 

We used to sit (sardined)
care-free, bending time
until darkness binged on
twilight's crumbs
and I used dry twigs
to scare you
snapping between owl hoots
before giggles and tickles
you and me
not a single worry

And then, our sky was torn
the day almost run
a desperate voice, a parent calling 
and we hunkered down
like fugitive soldiers 
mud-stained forefingers on each other's lips
gripping 
yet slipping
towards a world
only half our own.

Certificate U
Poem
Rainbow World

Comments

Submitted by Penny4athought on

This is so childhood immersive – I loved it- You took us back to those precious moments when we created our own worlds with best friends and everything was imagination, until the call to come home that would end our imaginary world…at least until the next day. This was very well done  smiley

Well deserved cherries.

Penny4athought

Submitted by hoalarg1 on

Thank you so much for your feedback on my poem. I wanted to climb back into that world of endless summers and the delights of early independence. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

Submitted by drew_gummerson on

I love this. The short sharp sentences perfectly evoke a childhood time. 
 

However, I'd lose the line 'on the other side of heaven'. I'm an atheist. But I think it reads better without. 'a hideaway / close to home' has a nice closure to it, and the contrast between hide and close is good. And what is 'the other side?'  You've got home and the hideaway? Are they both on the other side?

 

'pulling the rug' from under anything is a cliché. I'd find a different way of saying this. It's a poem and all the pictures should be your own. Should be giving us new ways of seeing. 
 

But as I said. 
 

Very good. In my opinion. For what it's worth. 

 

Submitted by hoalarg1 on

Hi Drew, 

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's really good to get somebody else's point of view. I agree with both your comments and decided to change them.

"The other side of heaven' - at first I was thinking that heaven was home, and I was on the other side of it yet close by. But, as you say, I'm not sure it fitted.

Normally I avoid cliche pretty well, and strangely the 'rug' came in as a last second change. Can't remember the original now but decided to go for an eating metaphor. It's sure hard to find originality sometimes.

Hopefully it looks a little better.

 

Submitted by drew_gummerson on

Yes. I like that a lot. ' gorged on / crumbs of twilight.'  And yes, you do avoid cliché which is why the rugs stuck out. 

 

Submitted by Tom Brown on

Wonderful Adam! Unspoilt nature and companionship reminds of paradise! Keep well enjoy happiness yes it is fleeting. Untill it is time and dad calls.

See you! Tom

 

Submitted by hoalarg1 on

Thanks, Tom. Glad you enjoyed it.