Lenny Knows Dogs

Four dog. The four dog will win the third race. Lenny Watkins tipped it up this morning, and Lenny knows dogs.

Lenny once had a next-door neighbour whose cousin, or uncle, or maybe his granddad, can’t remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it's not important, used to have a part share in a dog. Said they used to feed it Weetabix and bananas. Something about fibre and potassium, or was it Pineapple and Shredded Wheat? can’t remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it's not important, but said it made them shit like thunder and move like lightning. Yep, Lenny knows dogs.

He called me at 9.15 this morning and tipped it up. Must be really confident because Lenny doesn’t usually get up till about midday and today he’s calling me at bloody quarter past nine. In fact, he’s so confident he’s asked me to have twenty quid on it for him, reckons it’ll be about five to one, so that would give him a hundred and twenty quid and even when he’s paid me the other money he owes me he’ll still be in front by about thirty quid. Lenny knows his dogs alright.

He said he can’t get to the track today because of his bad back, or shoulder, might be his wrist, cant remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it’s not important, he's got to go to the doctor to get it sorted.

There was this one time Lenny picked out a thirty-three to one shot in the last race, Trap six it was. Bloody thirty-three to one, unbelievable! He didn’t tell anyone about it till after it had won, said he didn’t want to jinx it. Took the bookies for a fortune, they didn’t have enough money to pay him out and I had to lend him forty quid to get him a cab home. Mind you he did buy loads of drinks at the pub on the way home, or was that me? Cant remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it’s not important, what a great night that was. Didn’t see him for weeks afterwards, apparently the bookies eventually paid him out so he went abroad for a while to celebrate, Spain or Portugal, might even have been Tenerife, cant remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it’s not important, but when he came back he paid me the forty quid straightaway. Wrote me a cheque, even made the cheque out for fifty quid and not forty, brought it round to my flat. We had a few drinks to celebrate and then he left. Couldn’t find the bloody cheque anywhere after he’d left, probably my fault for getting so drunk, cant remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it’s not important, top bloke is Lenny.

It's not just dogs, Lenny knows horses as well. You’d never believe it but back in the day Lenny used to be a jockey at one of the tops stables, I know, I couldn’t believe it either because Lenny is over six foot and about eighteen stone but apparently years ago he was tiny, rode for a top American owner, or was it Canadian, maybe French,  cant remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it’s not important, Lenny was a fantastic jockey. I went with him to Sandown Park a few years ago, we’d only been there about twenty minutes and the bloody security told us to leave, even escorted Lenny from the track. Turns out Lenny has been “warned off” by all the tracks. This means that because he’s such a good gambler and keeps winning the bookies don’t want him anywhere near them, so they pay security to chuck him out if he turns up! So now he just concentrates on Dogs.

I’m at the track now but I’ve missed the first two races, bloody carnage on the Old Dagenham road, some clown tried to jump the lights and a forty foot Tesco truck, or Safeway, or Sainsbury, can’t remember, anyway doesn't matter, it's not important, smashed him to bits, the whole area is gridlocked. But luck’s on my side, my first two bets would have gone down, so now it's time for Lennys tip in the next race. Four Dog.

The bookies open up and sure enough, the four dog is five to one, just like Lenny said. I have fifty quid on it, twenty for Lenny and thirty for me. The traps open and four is out like a rocket, he's gone six lengths clear and just keeps on going. Wins it by a country mile. Lenny sure knows Dogs!

I get my three hundred quid and put it in my pocket. My phone rings. It’s Lenny. I answer it quickly.

“Hello mate, yeah yeah mate it won, just like you said it would, pissed it. You know your dogs Lenny! Forty quid? I thought you said twenty? Was it forty? Sorry mate, can’t remember, anyway doesn’t matter, it’s not important, we’ll call it forty, so that’s two hundred I’ve got to give you. Come round now? What to your flat? Yeah, sure sure, mate. Bring some beers? Happy to mate. Pizza? You want Pizza? No problem, beers and Pizza on their way mate. I’ll be with you in about half hour. Thanks Len…”

Must have been a bad line cos he suddenly hung up. Top man is Lenny. Lenny knows dogs!