Untitled Condom Play

(Messy bedroom of a young man who lives alone. Full size bed. Laundry on the floor. Night table. Female nurse scrubs are folded atop them.)

(At rise: DAISY lays in bed in a state of undress, fondling her cellphone, trying not to look at it and getting impatient. She quickly relents, opens her phone and sends a text. She sighs loudly and moves to grab for her clothes when LOUIS enters carrying a plastic store bag.)

 

DAISY

And where the hell have you been?

 

LOUIS

    Look, you’re not gonna believe -

 

DAISY

An hour and a half! A text back would’ve been nice, Louis.

 

LOUIS

I was just getting so frustrated driving all around and talking to all these cashiers and -

 

DAISY

Driving all around? You only needed to go to the pharmacy! Or almost any store for that matter. Take your pick!

 

LOUIS

I know! I did take my pick! I went to five places. Three pharmacies, two big box stores. I even called ahead to one place and…

 

(He trails off.)

 

DAISY

    And?

 

LOUIS

Do you know how hard it is to ask a cashier if they’re really out of condoms or if they have more in the back? Or worse, to call asking about their condom situation?

 

DAISY

No, I don’t know how hard that is.

 

LOUIS

I don’t need every stock boy in the county to know I’m trying to get laid tonight.

 

DAISY

Get laid?

 

LOUIS

Yeah, like se-

 

DAISY

Having sex with your partner of seven months is not getting laid.

 

LOUIS

Babe, I wish I had the energy to argue the semantics of this with you but -

 

(LOUIS falls into the bed.)

 

LOUIS (Continued)

- I’m too tired.

 

DAISY

Tired? I’ve been sitting here -

 

LOUIS

I know.

 

DAISY

- waiting for you -

 

LOUIS

I know.

 

DAISY

- and I had a long day at work, okay?

 

LOUIS

I know.

 

DAISY

People say nurses don’t work hard, but we do, my feet are killing me, and I really needed this tonight!

 

LOUIS

(Defeated.)

I know.

 

DAISY

Now I don’t even know if I’m in the mood.

 

LOUIS

Trust me. I know. I’ve said the word condom so many times tonight it’s stopped making sense as a word. Condom. Condom. Condom.

(Retching)

It’s like I’m trying to cast a spell. But, I’m telling you, they’re all gone. No one had them.

 

DAISY

Wait, you didn’t find any?

 

LOUIS

That’s what I’m telling you.

 

DAISY

Then what’s in the bag?

 

LOUIS

Hm?

 

DAISY

(Pointing to the bag)

The bag in your hand.

 

LOUIS

    Oh.

 

(LOUIS reaches into the bag and takes out a candy bar.)

 

LOUIS (Continued)

I got you this. I didn’t want to come home empty handed. You like these, right?

 

(LOUIS tosses DAISY the candy bar.)

 

DAISY

Yes, but…

(Smiling and taking a bite)

That was sweet of you. Thanks.

 

LOUIS

Yeah.

 

DAISY

(Softening)

Look, we can always try next week. I have next Wednesday off, I think, so we can -

 

LOUIS

I don’t think we can.

 

DAISY

What?

 

LOUIS

The condoms, Daisy. They’re gone.

 

DAISY

(Laughing)

They’re probably all just sold out. Unfortunate coincidence. I’m sure by next week, they’ll -

 

LOUIS

No, they won’t.

 

DAISY

What are you talking about?

 

LOUIS

First pharmacy I went to. The cashier told me that they’d been outlawed.
 

DAISY

(Incredulous chuckle)

What?

 

LOUIS

There was a sign and everything. That aisle where you find condoms and stuff? Just empty.

 

DAISY

What do you mean outlawed?

 

LOUIS

I mean they’re illegal now. You can’t sell them.

 

DAISY

That doesn’t make - what?

 

LOUIS

I didn’t believe it either. That’s why I went to so many different places. I was told the same thing at every store I went to. Look it up.

 

(DAISY tosses the candy bar to LOUIS. He takes a somber bite while she types into her phone. Her eyes go wide.)

 

DAISY

Oh my God.

 

LOUIS

I know.

 

DAISY

Oh my…God!

 

LOUIS

I know.

 

DAISY

This is a dot-gov site telling me this!

 

LOUIS

I know.

 

DAISY

What about -?

 

LOUIS

The pill? Outlawed. I.U.D.? G.T.F.O. Plans B through Z have been made verboten!

 

DAISY

(Reading)

“To ensure the proliferation of the American people, the economic well-being of future generations and to curb the existential threat of the so-called ‘Greying of America’, this administration has forthwith outlawed the sale and use of contraceptive devices and procedures.”

(Scrolling)

This lists every contraceptive I can think of.

 

LOUIS

Well, not every contraceptive.

 

DAISY

What do you mean?

 

LOUIS

I don’t think they say anything about pulling out.

 

DAISY

Nice try.

 

LOUIS

I’m serious. Although I’m sure that’ll be next week.

 

DAISY

I don’t understand. How have we not heard about this?

 

LOUIS

I don’t know. It was in one of the giant, gorgeous bills or whatever that they keep churning out.

 

DAISY

And people agreed to this?

 

LOUIS

People didn’t have to. A bunch of dried skeletons in suits agreed on it.

DAISY

I haven’t even heard people talking about this.

 

LOUIS

They will now.

 

DAISY

I don’t…I don’t know how…give me that candy bar.

 

(LOUIS hands her back the candy bar. She takes an angry bite.)

 

LOUIS

I don’t know how either. But unless you want to start producing a future economic unit now, we’ve gotta figure something out.

 

DAISY

(Trying to think)

    Alright, hold on.

 

LOUIS

I mean, you’re a nurse, right? Isn’t there some way we could -?

 

DAISY

Hold on. In Ancient Rome they used to use animal bladders as condoms. Like goat bladders and things like that.

 

LOUIS

Oh. Wonderful. I’ll go get a goat. It’ll be easier to find than a condom and I’ll get to do my first animal sacrifice. Just like the founding fathers wanted!

 

DAISY

I’m just spitballing! What’s your idea?

 

LOUIS

Well -

 

DAISY

We’re not doing the pull-out method.

 

LOUIS

It’s the only legal -

 

DAISY

Screw what’s legal!

 

LOUIS

I can’t, I don’t have any condoms.

 

(DAISY can’t help but laugh. LOUIS joins her. The two embrace.)

 

DAISY

What the hell are we going to do? What’s anyone going to do?

 

LOUIS

I, uh…I don’t know.

 

DAISY

You don’t think those ghouls who voted this in are using condoms? That they didn’t stockpile months in advance? God, this is our fault for not buying in bulk!

 

LOUIS

Whoa! This is not our fault. We didn’t vote for this. Let’s…let’s just get some sleep. You can still stay over tonight if you want and we can figure out what we’re going to do in the morning.

 

DAISY

I don’t know if I can sleep.

 

LOUIS

I’ll tell you what.

 

(LOUIS takes out his phone and dials someone. The series of phone calls happen in rapid succession, nearly overlapping.)

 

LOUIS (Continued)

Let’s see if anyone’s feeling generous.

(To his phone)

Hey, Andrew! How’s it going? In the middle of dinner? Sorry about that. I’ll make it quick. Do you…happen to…have any…condoms you could spare? Andrew? Hello?

(To DAISY)

Okay, he hung up on me.

(DAISY dials from her phone.)

 

DAISY

(To her phone)

Hey, girl. Sorry for calling so late, but I wanted to know if you still kept condoms at your place or if -?

 

(LOUIS starts pacing and dialing a new number.)

 

DAISY (Continued)

Oh, you need them for yourself? No, I understand.

 

(DAISY hangs up and starts looking for a new number to dial.)

 

LOUIS

(To his phone)

Mario! Mario, my man! I was just thinking about you. Remember that time in high school you blew a condom up like a balloon? Yeah, we called you “CondoMario” for, like, a year! No! No, it was because we thought you were awesome. You don’t still happen to have any condoms left, do you? No? Alright, thanks anyway.

(To DAISY)

He already surrendered his whole stash to the tax collector’s office.

 

(LOUIS hangs up and continues pacing, hesitating on his next move. DAISY has already dialed a new number.)

 

DAISY

(To her phone)

Hi, I was calling to see if you had any -? No? Are you absolutely positive? There wasn’t a pack that the government didn’t seize? Not a single pack? Not even a single one from a single pack, like, slipped out or something? Listen, if I give you my number and you find one laying around, can you call me back? I’ll tip you for it. Two-hundred percent. No?

 

(DAISY hangs up, frustrated. LOUIS groans and starts dialing a new number.)

 

LOUIS

(To his phone)

Hi…hi, Dad. I’m good. Real good. Yeah. Weird question for you. Am I on speakerphone? Okay, take me off speakerphone. Mom’s not around you, is she? Okay, well, go upstairs. Okay, go downstairs, then. Listen, do you have any…

 

(DAISY urges him to continue.)

 

LOUIS (Continued)

Do you have any condoms?

(Louder)

Condoms, dad, condoms! I know they’re illegal. What are you going to do, report me? Grandkids? This isn’t the time to be talking about grandkids, Dad! Because I can’t afford it and condoms are the easiest way I can make sure that - 

(Terse)

Do you have any or not? Thanks. Bye.

 

(LOUIS and DAISY share a glance. He shakes his head and his shoulders slump.)

 

DAISY

     What about…what about the black market?

 

LOUIS

The what?

 

(DAISY starts typing on her phone.)

 

DAISY

The black market. There’s going to be a fortune to be had there. That’s where people will get their condoms.

 

LOUIS

In like back alleys and stuff? Should we get our trench coats ready?

 

DAISY

What? No, it’s not the seventies. You just get a dark web browser. Like the one I just downloaded.
 

LOUIS

(To himself)

    Oh, what the hell are we doing?

 

DAISY

Let’s see…do you want condoms from the Czech Republic or the Philippines?

 

(LOUIS takes out his wallet and fishes for a credit card.)

 

LOUIS

How much?

 

DAISY

Eleven-hundred dollars for a pack of six.

 

LOUIS

Christ Almighty!

 

DAISY

A-a-and the ones from the Philippines are sold out.

 

(LOUIS puts away his wallet.)

 

LOUIS

(Incredulous, to himself)

Eleven-hundred…

 

DAISY

Your turn.

 

LOUIS

I’m out of ideas. Your turn.

 

DAISY

I’m out, too.

 

LOUIS

Maybe we can go back out. There’s gotta be some place that still has them. Somewhere the Feds haven’t gotten to yet, right? Somewhere?

 

DAISY

Louis, I’m so tired.

 

LOUIS

I’ll go, then. You just rest up, I’ll -

 

DAISY

There’s no point, just stay.

 

LOUIS

I don’t want to give up on this!

 

DAISY

There’s no choice but to give up! It’s a law now. Unless you want to drive to D.C. right now and get them to change their mind. Do you have oil baron money under the bed that I don’t know about?

 

LOUIS

No. If I did, I could get a whole baker’s dozen of condoms.

 

DAISY

There’ll be appeals, counter-appeals, injunctions, protests. I’m going to be up to my armpits in venereal diseases. People will die over this.

 

LOUIS

Do you…just want to go home, or -?

 

DAISY

Do you want me to leave?

 

LOUIS

No, I want you to stay. I just don’t want to trap you here if you are upset and want to be alone. Do you want to leave?

 

DAISY

No, I…I -

 

(DAISY starts breaking down. LOUIS moves in to comfort her.)

 

LOUIS

Whoa, hey, hey, it’s alright. It’s gonna be alright.

 

DAISY

How is it gonna be alright? We either have to have a kid or become celibate.

 

LOUIS

Well…let’s talk about it. Do you want kids?

 

DAISY

I don’t know.

 

LOUIS

Gun to your head.

 

DAISY

Jesus.

 

LOUIS

That’s just where we are right now.

 

DAISY

I don’t know! Maybe! But not right now. We should be able to make that decision! I should be able to make that decision!

 

(LOUIS kicks his shoes off and crawls into bed beside DAISY. He holds her.)

 

LOUIS

Just for the record, if I had to be celibate, you’re the one I’d want to do it with.

 

DAISY

I know you’re trying to keep it light but this is…this is a lot.

 

LOUIS

Listen, I know. Why don’t we just…sleep on it, okay? We’ll come up with something. There’s gotta be something we’re not thinking about because we’re stressed out and this is all so new. Maybe something will change by tomorrow or next week. Who knows? Like you said, there’ll be appeals, concessions, whatever. It’s not like bad stuff hasn’t been overturned before, right?

 

DAISY

That could take years.

 

LOUIS

Maybe you’ll want a kid by then.

 

DAISY

Maybe you can just get a vasectomy.

 

LOUIS

(Wry laugh)

Didn’t you read the law? We have to have at least one child before you can legally get vasectomies anymore.

(Pause)

Do you want to stay?

 

DAISY

Yeah, I’ll sleep here.

 

LOUIS

No, I mean, stay with me? Keep us going?

 

DAISY

I want to, yeah. There’s other stuff we could do. It doesn’t just have to be vaginal sex.

 

LOUIS

Like, right now?

 

DAISY

No, not right now. I feel like I’ve gone through all the stages of grief in the last ten minutes. Besides, there’s gotta be something we’re not thinking of to get around this.

 

LOUIS

Right, of course. Sleep tonight, experiment with the plastic wrap tomorrow night.

 

(The two chuckle sheepishly and settle into bed but can’t hold their smiles for long. They keep their eyes open.)

 

(Blackout.)