Christmas In The Clink

Its Christmas again and so its drink until you drop and party like tomorrow will never come . So time to get out all those shot glasses from the cupboard and the flutes, brandy glasses and crystal decanters , for the thing is you never know who might drop in for a drink , after all it is Christmas .
I must remember to leave some stick up notes around the house .
My remember December things like ,
Be aware and watch out for random breath tests .
Or drink but don’t drive or drive but don’t drink .
Its always good to stay safe because it is the silly season and Santa Clause is coming to town .
I’ve seen people just like me running around all over town in a daze with shopping bags and trolleys overfilled as if the world is coning to an end .

Don’t you just hate waiting in queues at the checkout .
I’ve been in long queues with many others buying up all the French champagne as if there was a world wide shortage . I’ve also snatched cartons of beer and loaded them up unto my shoulder as if I was going off to war for Christmas time .
I think about things like old friends . Wonder where they are and what they’re doing these days .
Some Christmases I like to visit some old relations in nursing homes .
Its always the same in there at this time of year . They have these parties with staff members gently pouring wine into well washed glasses and toasting good health to the residents who are all well over eighty years of age . I think it’s a shame when they water down the wine without asking the residents first .
I’ve seen and tried to avoid all the young people drunk on the streets at night . They’re always brawling at Christmas and downing more and more until they spew or collapse on the corner like a sack of spuds . I’m not going to pick them up that’s for sure .
Tonight I'll drink to Christmas time as well like many others in the town .
I’ll try to walk the line because that’s what you do when you’re drunk .
Proving the you are young and free or old and foolish or whatever the case may be .I will celebrate Christmas . The whole world is having a party and I’m going to have some fun .
Here Merry Christmas everyone!
Are you listening everyone , I’m talking to you .

At last , its my turn at the checkout .
Its all going on the card . Like everyone else does at this time of year .
Listen to me people . Keep it going because it’s the season to be jolly .
I’ve got a trolley too full of things that I wheeled to the car .
What a pity I don't regret overspending and getting into debt .
Its Christmas after all .
Off I go in my car to the traffic lights that better stay green or else I’ll see red if you know what I mean .
What , oh no , foot down to the floor . Just made it .
Its good to have something there when you need .
I’m going out tonight so don’t stop me now lights .
I’m on my way hey , home at last .
Get out of the car and carry everything inside . I hope I don’t drop the double Malt . If anything is to fall let it be the beer , I could like with that .

Ok now time to get ready I’m hitting the town .’
Oh before I go I’ll have to get a few things out for when I get home .
Its always the same if you don’t you end up meeting yourself coming out .
So now , where have I put my hangover cure .
I can’t remember because the last time I went for it , I woke up shaking and it was shocking because I could hardly make it to the bathroom and as I did this funny walk with both my arms outstretched as if I was a zombie in the house . I was rocking and reeling and my head was spinning around .
I had a headache thumping with each sound I made and then I found that hangover cure and put it somewhere safe . Now where was that safe place .
I think it’s in where I keep my fine whiskey , That’s right in where the hair of the dog is waiting for me for me .Now let me see .
I’m ready to go now , Wish me luck as I wave you goodbye .
Here where am I .
Was I really that drunk last night .
I think I’ve woke up in a police station which is unusual for me .
There’s a lot of people snoring in the cells .
Hey can anybody here me .
That’s not Santa’s jingle bells I hear . Its the jingle of the jailer and his keys and aren’t they the noisiest thing you ever heard .
Is it new Year or Christmas day or has tomorrow not yet come .
I don’t know . I’m as mad as hell and can’t remember if I was driving or not so I’m not sure if I had a crash or just got innocently picked up on the streets and placed into custody with all these other drunks at this time of year .
The cells are all full and I’m going to have to face the music at some point in time .
What exactly happened last night .
Was the city too quiet and was I too wild . After all it is party time and young ones have a reputation to live up to .
I wonder who hung up all these stockings in the cells .
Probably some police social worker who gets paid to liaison with the trouble makers . That’s the way it is today . Its all about an image .
The police want to be known as the good guys .
That’s the message that they’ve been spreading around .
For some reason Christmas can be a time when a lot of damage is done and the police have to do their best . I mean that’s the reason I joined the force .
Oh that’s right I work here .
Jailer can you let me out now I’ve got a shift today and I need to go home and get changed .

By Paul McCann