7

Martin hounded me again the next day, touching me up at every opportunity. Martin convinced me that nobody would believe me if I told anyone, and he threatened to come and find me if I did tell anyone about what was happening. Because Lynda saw something happen I confided in her... But she didn't know what to do either. So I kept the abuse a secret and Lynda kept it to herself too.

For several weeks I tried to ignore it. I blamed myself, I was scared to say anything in case I was kicked out of the pantomime group. I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway, so I figured that there was no point in me telling anyone else about it. My boyfriend immediately picked up on changes in my behaviour and how I was reluctant to do anything more than hold hands with him. I would flinch at any sudden movement towards me and I had terrible nightmares, reliving what happened... The feel of a fully grown man's body weight forced upon me, pinning me down so I couldn't move. The quiet whimpers escaping my terrified lips whilst I begged for him to let me go. The fear of being caught and being blamed and losing my place in the group. The sheer terror as I thought he was going to rape me at one point! I would wake up sweating, struggling to breath and feeling sick. Still I didn't tell anyone. The more I tried to hide my secret, the more my behaviour changed to other people. I was very snappy and angry. I would lose my patience very easily and I even grabbed a girl by the throat and pinned her against a wall in school. It was not like me at all! I was a gentle and loving person. Violence was something I had never resorted to before! My boyfriend nagged me until I told him what had happened. He took me to his house and refused to let me leave until I promised him that I would tell my mum what had happened. I arrived home two hours late and my tongue froze over. How could I possibly tell my mum what had happened? I said nothing, I apologised for my lateness and mum sent me to bed. She noticed I was upset and she nagged me until I told her what had happened.

My mum called the police and they took a statement from me, then they left and the courts dealt with it. Whilst it was going through the courts I confided with Lynda and she listened to me. She was a fab friend and I was glad I had someone to talk to about it. One lunch time a girl called Louise crept hid behind the door to listen in on our conversation. She only heard a snippet and then she flung the door open and told me that I was a dirty slut and she was going to tell everyone what I had done! She has overheard that I was taking Martin to court and that was pretty much all she had heard. As far as she was concerned I was making up a story to get sympathy! A rumour quickly circulated that I had had cracked on to a married man, he had turned me down, and to seek revenge I had fabricated a story saying he had abused me! This rumour reached court and it played a part in Martin being not being charged. My name was mud and people were awful to me. Martin went on to abuse an 11 year old dancer. He told the dancer that if she told anyone, then she too would suffer the abuse from the school kids that I suffered. Kids would spit on me out of classroom windows and call me dreadful names. It destroyed my self esteem and a lost confidence in everything I had ever believed in. I thought the law was there to protect innocent people, I never realised that they could get it wrong. I thought that the fact that it was true was a good enough reason to convict him! Niave and stupid, I wished I had never even told anyone at all! It didn't stop me from getting abused and it didn't stop another girl getting abused. What was the point in speaking out at all? I hated myself and I began to wear big baggy jumpers. My eating habits were all over the shop. Some days I couldn't bring myself to eat at all and other days I would gorge and packets of cheap biscuits and junk food. I suffered with eating problems and it continued into adulthood with comfort eating.