iHell Chapter One: The Preparation

"So what's your plan, Baron Von (...)?" asked Lucifer. They had just adjourned from a meeting where Baron Von (...) had 'volunteered' Steve Jobs as Hell's consultant to get them through their financial crisis. Only problem was, as far as anyone knew, Steve Jobs was in purgatory, working off his sins before heaven.

The two demons were walking through the 'old' section of Hell. Y'know, the stereotypical fire and brimstone, ripe fruit just where you can't reach it, rock you have to roll up a mountain only to see it fall down part of Hell. Except now the food was spoiled, the fire machines were only emitting sad sputters, and the fake mountain had collapsed, revealing it was indeed fake (the rock was made out of plastic too). In other words, the place was unused. This quarter had long ago been abandoned in favor of a far more tortuous method of eternal suffering.

Now the poor souls had to take an endless SAT test, with the promise that if they got a passing grade they would get a free ticket to heaven. Unfortunately for them, the SAT test was made up of such questions as: '#32. Find a rhyme to orange' and '#46. Make a square with three sides'. It was an even more efficient method of torture, getting more suffering in per hour and square mile than the old version.

But back to Lucifer and Baron Von (...).

"We put together a team of Hell's finest..."

"You mean most horrible." The two just stared at each other. Finally Lucifer said, "Remind me to tell Screwtape to do something about this Grammar Naziism problem. He's good with letters."

"Yes sir. Now as I was saying, we put together a team of Hell's finest or most horrible, depending on your point of view, and invade Purgatory in an elaborate heist to capture Steve Jobs before he works off his sins and goes to heaven."

"Why should Steve Jobs work for us though? When he was alive he did not seem the 'do Hell's will' kind."

Baron Von (...) allowed himself to smile again. He only did so on rare and special occasions, such as the death of Jesus Christ, the Fall of Adam and Eve, and the invention of Heavy Metal. "Just let me assemble my team. We'll take care of everything."

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The Green Mamba, a succubus who had seduced every man on Earth at least once, was currently on Earth, working on seducing every man on Earth at least twice. She was currently in a ravishing feminine human form in a very skimpy dress but was getting very little attention and even some awkwardness from her target. She was beginning to suspect he was a monk, though what a monk was doing at a rave she had no idea. Then she saw the tail.

"You're a demon, aren't you?"

"Yes." Said Baron Von (...).

"What are you doing here?"

"Lucifer, High Prince of Hell, the Most Evil, the Most Vile, Who Has Recently Decided to Sport a Mohawk, requires your talents for a special mission."

"You want me to help you get Jobs."

"How'd you know about it? That's top secret!"

"I heard from Faust who heard from Mephistopheles that Screwtape wrote to Wormwood that Beelzebub told him that you told Lucifer, High Prince of Hell, the Most Evil, the Most Vile, Who Has Recently Decided to Sport a Mohawk, that you had a plan to get Steve Jobs to revamp Hell."

Some things are universal and found in all dimensions, Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and Earth. The game of telephone is one of them. And y'know when you run the drying machine and lose half your socks in the process? That's another.

"Great. So now all of Hell knows," sighed Baron Von (...).

"Don't worry. I'll help you. Under one condition," said the Green Mamba.

"What?"

"Tell me why you aren't interested in me. I mean, look at me."

"Oh, that's easy. I'm homosexual."

Humans seem to have this strange notion that they are the only ones who have members of their species love the same sex. In fact, both angels and demons have LGBT's amongst their ranks. Some have even whispered they have seen the Father cast odd glances at the Holy Spirit.

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Judas Iscariot was doing business as usual: Signing autographs. Since the messy business with Jesus, he had become a bit of a celebrity down here; even though Jesus eventually escaped the trap, and there were others involved, all credit went to him. Sure, when he first came down here, he had to take that SAT test like everyone else, but all the demons wanted to touch him or grab a strand of his hair. It got so disruptive that eventually Lucifer let him off the hook on the condition that Judas sign autographs for every demon who wanted one.

There were a lot of demons in Hell.

Judas also got a book contract out of the deal. He called it, not entirely originally, the Gospel of Judas.

So as he was signing his name on a copy of the Gospel of Judas with a flourish, for the 568,984,021st time, he patted the very young demon, the Behemoth of Texting Shortcuts (you know, smiley faces, lols,), on the head.

"Gee thanks Mr. Judas sir."

"No problem young kiddo. Just remember, anyone can betray Jesus if they want to."

Judas watched him scamper off.

"Next!"

Baron Von (...) held up a copy of the Gospel of Judas.

"Who should I make it out to?" asked Judas.

"Steve Jobs."

"OK." 568,984,022 times. "Hey, wait a second...."

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In the headquarters of Hell, the Green Mamba, Judas Iscariot, and Baron Von (...) began their plan. An elaborate plan so complicated it was sure to go wrong in many places (that's how they always did it in the movies). The end goal: To sneak into purgatory and capture Steve Jobs, and convince him to work for Hell in the process!