Larry and Mick Get Frozen
Sat, 05 Apr 2014
"Cuppa tea, Mick?"
"Don't mind if I do, Larry."
Larry poured Mick a Darjeeling. Mick went to stir it, but as he did, it turned to ice.
"Bugger," said Mick.
"That's the third time this week!" said Larry.
"Sorry," said Mick.
"It's your tea," said Larry, as he supped his, while Mick turned his cup upside down and the block of frozen tea fell out and skittered across the table.
"Do you wanna cuppa tea, Mick?"
"Don't come in Larry!"
"Erm... just don't."
It was getting out of control. First it was just the tea, then the TV, then the teepee (don't ask), then everything he touched. He found if he wore some old gardening gloves, it was okay, but he didn't want to take any chances, so he didn't let Larry in his room for three years.
"Do you wanna cuppa tea, Mick?" Larry occasionally said, but Mick learned to ignore him.
When Mick eventually came out, he attempted to sidle past Larry and say, "I'm off to do some gardening."
"Woah there, friend Mick!" said Larry, as he grabbed his friend by the elbow.
"Don't, Larry," said Mick.
"Why not?" said Larry.
"Just don't," said Mick, as he pulled himself away.
Larry was perturbed. "You can't just lock yourself in your room for three years, then come out to 'do some gardening'."
"The plants need watering."
"The plants are dead."
"What? I leave you alone for..."
A look was exchanged of an enigmatic nature.
"What were you living off in there?"
"Loneliness and despair."
"What you gonna do now?"
"No!" - Larry reached out to grab Mick, Mick thrust out his hand to keep him away, Larry grabbed Mick's glove and yanked it off, Mick groaned and shoved his exposed hand under his armpit.
"Gaaagh!" said Mick.
"What?" said Larry.
"Frozen pit," said Mick.
"Eh?" said Larry.
Mick indicated the armpit where his hand had been shoved, under which a spray of frost had now formed.
"So that's why..." said Larry.
"Yes," said Mick.
"But why didn't you...?"
"But you should have just..."
"Don't be stupid."
"So what do we...?"
"Could you...?" - Mick indicated his frozen, frosty pit.
"Oh yeah" - Larry took hold of Mick's elbow and pulled.
Larry pulled harder.
Larry pulled harder still.
"For God's sake, it'll never come out if you don't-!"
With one final almighty yank, Mick's hand was freed, but the force of extraction caused Mick to fling his hand in a wide arc, spraying frost and icicles hither and yon and freezing Larry's left ear to boot.
"Bugger," said Mick.
"Oh dear," said Larry.
"I'm really sorry," said Mick.
"Don't worry, I'm sure it'll defros-"
Larry's ear fell off.
Larry picked it up and was attempting to reattach it, when Ned, his long lost cousin from the hills, came in.
"Holy guacamole!" said Ned, when he realised what was going on.
"What?" said Larry. "Oh this?" - he held out his frozen ear - "No, it's just-"
"Aaaaaaaaaaghh!!!" said Ned, as he ran screaming out of the house, causing a right old furore in the streets beyond.
"That's it, I'm off," said Mick.
"Wait!" said Larry, as he attempted to keep up with Mick, but failed miserably, on account of all the slipping and sliding, which was a result of all the ice that formed in Mick's wake.
"Do you wanna be a snowman?" said Mick.
"No," said Larry.
"Then keep away!"
It was at this point that one of Larry's feet went in one direction, the other went in the other, his bum went straight down and he sat on the ice with a great deal more force than he would have liked. He helplessly watched as his good friend Mick skated off to Kidderminster, making everything all wintry-like around him as he went.
"One way or another," said Larry; "I'm gonna find ya" - and then rather unnecessarily, "I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha."
Harry Styles, who just happened to be walking past at the time, tutted and wished for a moment he was in The Charlatans or something.
"Let it go!" said Mick, but the little yappy dog who had its nashers round his other gardening glove would not relent.
"Grrrrrrrr!!" said the little yappy dog.
"Aaaaaaaaghh!!" said Mick.
It was at this point that he realised he wasn't scared of little yappy dogs anymore, as he had been all his life.
In fact, thought Mick, the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all! - at which, with a primeval effort of will, he flung the little yappy dog directly upwards (along with his remaining gardening glove), upon which it exploded in a shower of frozen fractals and ice crystals and whatnot.
"Oops," said Mick, as the particles of exploded yappy dog reformed, rather miraculously, into a wintry palace.
"Blimey," said Mick. "Well the cold never bothered me anyway."
Larry stopped at a garden centre at the side of the road, halfway to Kidderminster. He ordered a cup of extra strong Earl Grey at the cafe, sat amidst the birdfeeders and considered his options.
A rather rough-looking gent sat down beside him, plonked his enormous rucksack on the other available chair and said, "What about this weather, eh?"
"Um, yeh," said Larry, as he pretended to be deep in thought (which he actually had been, until the rather rough-looking and indeed smelly gent had distracted him).
"Wanna buy some ice?" said the rather rough-looking gent.
"Um, no," said Larry, as he gazed intently at the raging storm outside.
"Can't blame me for trying," said the rather rough-looking gent.
"S'pose not," said Larry.
The rather rough-looking gent picked up his enormous rucksack. "Well must be off," he said. "So glad I brought the sleigh. Cheerio!"
"Um, what did you say?" said Larry.
"So glad I brought the sleigh...?"
"About that ice..." said Larry, as he got out his purse and started to make a little pile of fifty pence pieces on the table.
"What's your name?" said Larry, as they thundered down what used to be the A456.
"Kris," said the rather rough-looking gent.
"Short for Kristoff?"
Larry gave 'Kristine' a look.
"Watch out for that snowman!" shouted Larry.
"O!" shouted Kris, who swerved out of the way, then laughed.
"What's so funny?" said Larry.
"Nothing," said Kris.
The reindeer pulled up at the roundabout, although they were the only vehicle on the 'road'.
Larry raised an eyebrow.
"Government issue reindeer," said Kris.
After what seemed to be a specific period of time, in which it would seem the reindeer was confirming he had the right of way, they continued... until they came to the ice palace in the Morrisons car park.
"Can you drop me off here please?" said Larry.
"Okee-doke," said Kris.
"I've just gotta pop to Halfords to get some sprockets."
"Will you come back?"
"Might as well."
Larry hopped off the sleigh and approached the ice palace.
"See ya later," said Kris.
"Rightey-ho," said Larry.
Larry climbed the icy stairs and knocked on the icy door.
Mick answered and Larry almost fell back down the icy stairs in shock.
"Blimey, Mick," said Larry.
"What you doing here?" said Mick.
"Never mind that," said Larry. "Why do you look like the Snow Queen?"
"Don't you like it?" said Mick.
"Not particularly," said Larry.
Mick took off his Snow Queen costume.
"That's better," said Larry. "Now are you going to invite me in or what? It's well parky out here."
"Can't say I've noticed," said Mick - but he invited his friend in nonetheless.
Mick led Larry through the ice palace to a room the size of a football pitch. There were chairs on opposite walls.
Larry raised his eyebrows.
Mick shrugged. "Can't be too careful," he said.
Thankfully the room was so cavernous and icy and whatnot, that it sounded like they were sitting right next to each other.
"Fair enough, friend Mick," said Larry. "Any chance of a cuppa?"
"Don't do tea anymore," said Mick. "Ice pole?"
Larry saw the bucket of ice poles in the middle of the room.
"Why the heck not?" said Larry, who took a red one and commenced consumption thereof.
"So then," said Larry, amidst the sucking and slurping; "what's all this about?"
"What's all what about?" said Mick.
"You've plunged half of Worcestershire into an Arctic winter," said Larry.
(suck suck slurp slurp)
"Oh that," said Mick. "Well, um... dunno really..."
"Is that all you've got to say?"
"I'm a bit stumped, to be honest."
"But we've got to do something!"
(slurp slurp suck suck)
"Reverse your powers? Buy loads of electric heaters? You're the one who created an ice palace out of..."
"... an exploding yappy dog."
"... an exploding yappy dog (?!). Can't you think of something?"
"What is it, friend Mick?"
"Just something a weird old lady said to me before I started freezing cups of tea."
"Spill, friend Mick!"
(suck slurp suck slurp)
"I refused to buy any of her knock-off tea towels, so..."
(slurp slurp suck slurp suck suck slurp)
"For Sekhmet's sake, will you put down the ice pole?!"
"Where was I?"
"Weird old lady."
"Oh yes... she told me I had a heart of ice, that could only be thawed by an act of love."
"An act of love."
"An act of love."
An awkward and mildly confusing look was exchanged.
"Come on then," said Larry.
"What?" said Mick.
"Needs must," said Larry.
"Must they?" said Mick.
"They must," said Larry.
"Alright then," said Mick, who started to remove his trousers.
"What in the name of the Mystical Meerkat of Manchester are you doing?!" said Larry.
"An act of love," said Mick.
"I think a cuddle will do," said Larry.
"Oh right," said Mick, who pulled up his trousers and held out his arms.
"Manhug," said Larry and Mick in unison, as they fell upon each other, in a highly appropriate and masculine display of mutual affection. At which the ice palace instantly evaporated, the snow melted and the storm became a beautiful summer's day.
"Well..." said Larry.
"Well..." said Mick.
"That's that," said Larry.
"That's that," said Mick.
"Game of tiddly winks?" said Larry.
"No," said Mick.
"Oh," said Larry.
And that was that.
< fin >