Larry and Mick Share an Apple

'Where is the fruit to which you refer?'

'There, on the table.'

'Pass us the knife then.'

Mick passed Larry the knife.

'In order to prevent unnecessary stickiness, would you also concur that a plate is the order of the day?'

Mick passed Larry a plate.

'Hang on,' said Larry, as he took out the monocle from the pocket of his shirt and examined the fruit which now rested in the palm of his right hand; 'this is not an apple.'

'But how can that be?' queried Mick; 'the fruit vendor assured me that it was.'

'Observe,' said Larry, as he presented the alleged fruity impostor for the perusal of his friend.

Mick observed.

'Firstly,' began Larry, 'I draw your attention to the coloration - the hue of the fruit, if you will. Not green; not red; not the spotty yellowyness, as of a Golden Delicious. But rather...'

'Purple!' exclaimed Mick.

'Yes, purple. A dark, rich, one might even say velvety purple.'

'Hmm, velvety...' ruminated Mick.

'Secondly, I draw your attention to the size.'

Mick observed the size of the increasingly-less-likely-to-be-an-apple fruit.

'Have you ever seen an apple that small?'

Mick started to dredge at the very depths of his memory.

'Now think very carefully before you answer.'

'Have I... size... apple... ever...?'

Larry raised his eyebrows.

'No,' said Mick, 'I do not believe that I have.'

'And now I present you with the third and final piece of evidence... take the fruit.'

Mick took the fruit.

'Hold it between thumb and forefinger.'

Mick did so.

'And squeeze.'

Mick gave Larry a look.

Larry raised one eyebrow, then lowered it, whilst concurrently raising the other.

Mick lowered both eyebrows, in the manner known as a 'frown.'

Larry nodded encouragingly.

Mick shrugged. Looked at the fruit (which had neither the size nor the hue of an apple). And then... after a pause of approximately 2.47 seconds... squeezed.

[splat!]

[squirt!]

[sticky faces all round!] 'Blue burgers at dawn!' said Mick.

'Go on, say it,' said Larry.

'It's a...' said Mick.

'Yes?' said Larry.

'Black...' said Mick.

Up - went Larry's eyebrows.

'Grape!' said Mick.

'Hurrah!' said Larry. 'Now wipe your face and get us a Granny Smiths out of the fruitbowl - I'm starving.'

'Righty-ho.'

Larry & Mick shared an apple.

[ fin ]