I'm Going Through Changes
This is my diary account.
For anyone reading this, I realize you might me irritated by this kind of writing, or annoyed at the fact I'm being explicit, exposing feelings I shouldn't. I wanted to write an honest account of how I'm feeling at the moment, so I can only apologize if I've revealed too much, but there was a need to get it down in writing.
Dear Diary...Wednesday 28th June 2017.
Lingering for that last half hour in bed, huddled beneath the quilt, I find myself irritable – a hotchpotch of emotions hanging above me like a dark cloud. Stretching and yawning I thought about the day ahead and what it would bring.
I'd awoken that morning with a blinding headache and an inkling of trepidation. It had been so hard to get off to sleep last night, just thinking about the hospital appointment and what the day would bring, that by the time I did finally nod off and was in the middle of a thrilling dream, I'd been woken by the insistent bleeping of my alarm clock, I don't normally bother with alarms, being one who doesn't usually have any problem waking, but today I knew there was a lot to do.
It's strange how most people I talk to find the idea of a hip replacement something to look forward to, but I myself have wavered thoughts, it's not because I don't want to get better, but the fact of feeling like a fledgling learning to fly again, it makes me watery eyed and indecisive. I used to have boundless energy and was so domesticated, now I howl at the moon at the thought of cleaning.
I'd read the booklet the consultant gave me the last time I went for a consultation, it gave information about the operation and the precautions you need to be aware of afterwards...makes me feel like I'll be loosing my independence, boy! Am I independent. Just hate being waited on, all that fussing around makes me feel like I'm loosing my mind.
The operation itself has me nervous too. Yesterday I made the mistake of watching a video on youtube – what a big mistake that was. It's one of those situations where you know you shouldn't look, but curiosity gets the better.
The fact that they dislocate the hip to get the old ball out of the socket made me feel squeamish, then I found out that they can make the decision to only give you a regional anesthetic, which means I'll be awake during the whole operation and numbed from the waist down. This added to the fact I'll be able to hear them drilling inside my hip, gives me nightmares just thinking about it. I can only hope they'll decide to put me to sleep, then I'll feel a little better.
Oh yes! Then there's having to lay on my front, what with my huge boobs, I never lay this way, it's far too painful. I know anyone reading this will think I'm foolish, but whether it's madness or not, I can't help my emotions.
Getting out of bed that morning and coming to standing took me a while, the balance has to be right before I start walking. Grabbing the door handle, I limped my way across the landing to the bathroom.
Looking in the mirror I was shocked, I don't believe it...Help! I've got a huge whitehead come up on my chin, haven't had one of those since I was in school, it must be all the stress I'm under. I quickly wash my face and grab my son's tube of freederm, hopefully that will put an end to the unwelcome spot.
As a teenager I was constantly smothering my face with valderma spot cream. I remember a situation that always makes me laugh, it was when I was about thirteen, we were staying with a family in Cornwall, I accidentally put valderma on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste – yuk! It was disgusting.
Back to the present, I enjoyed my shower, apart from all the struggling in and out of the bath, which is getting worse by the week. I'd just love a walk in shower, but know we can't afford it, so I'll just have to muddle through somehow.
After eating my lunch, I washed up, then once I was ready, picked up my bag, always checking to make sure I've got my keys and everything I need, plus my thyroxine tablets which they asked me to bring with me.
Hobbled along the road in my usual fashion, I feel so self conscious now, having one leg shorter than the other, always have the feeling people think I've fallen over, then there's having to stop every few minutes to regain my balance and relax from the pain, but hey ho.
Luckily the bus arrived on time, so I got to the hospital with a half an hour to kill. Made my way through the entrance, heading for the restaurant for a quick coffee. Finding a table by the window, I read through all the questions I'd written down ready to ask the consultant.
It's a busy place with many people coming and going, so half an hour went quite fast. I've seen so many people with walking sticks and crutches, I realized I'd be part of that brigade soon, never having walked with a stick or crutch, it's going to be a strange experience.
Five minutes before my appointment, I walked into Orthopedic department and gave my name to the lady behind the desk, she looked like she was on automatic pilot, with all the people coming in daily. I was given a form, clip board and pen, then asked to fill it in and wait.
There were all sorts of questions, ranging from how much pain I'm in? What I can and cannot do? For me it was an easy task, as most physical activities have become non existent, even doing the cleaning at home has got worse in the past six months. I used to rush around, but now I do everything at a snails pace.
As my mind was elsewhere, an elderly man came and sat next to me. I mentioned that I thought it was very hot in the waiting area, from there we got chatting about hip replacements. He couldn't wait to have his operation – I wished I had his enthusiasm.
“I suppose,” I said, “I shall feel a lot different once it's all over and I'm on the road to recovery. Then I'll be able to look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. But until then, to say I'm scared is a great big understatement.”
“I'm sure you're worrying unnecessarily...you'll be fine.” He assured me.
After much conversation about life in general with the old gentleman, I was called into a room by a nurse, who informed me the consultant would be with me shortly, whereupon she took my clip board and departed.
I wondered! Would the consultant be nice, or treat me like a piece of meat ready for the slaughter? I only say that because, the last time I was here, I was met by another consultant who made me feel very uncomfortable, he was quick to inform me that If I wasn't going ahead with the operation, then I should expect to be house bound, and in so many words treated me like I was lazy and wanted to sit on my ass all day, which is so far from the truth.
Luckily, a tall, slim, middle aged man walked in with such a calming voice, shook my hand and said, “I'm sorry to keep you waiting.” He was such a nice consultant and immediately put me at ease, asking if I had any questions, to which I produced my piece of paper.
“So you're happy to go ahead with the operation?” He inquired. I of course reluctantly said yes, knowing I've not really any choice if I want to get back to some normality.
About half an hour passed and at the end of the consultation he told me it would be about four months I'd have to wait. That suited me fine, because at least in October the weather would be getting cooler, it's also my favorite time of year, as the heat doesn't do anything for me these days.
I often look back on times of being a sun worshiper, spending long days laying out in the garden, or tanning myself on beaches, but not anymore, now I head for the shade always.
Shaking the consultant's hand once again, I made my way back out to the waiting area, where the gentleman I'd been talking to was still sat anticipating his turn.
“How did it go?” He inquired, waving me over.
“Really good,” I smiled. “The consultant immediately put me at ease and was very helpful.”
“Oh! That's good, hope I see him too.” The gentleman remarked. He then went on to tell me about his walk in shower. “What a difference it makes and fitted in perfectly where the bath once was.”
I told him I desperately wanted a shower room fitted in our bathroom, but thought it would be too expensive. Then a thought struck me! I wonder if I got a note from my doctor, if I'd be able to get a discount. There would be no harm in asking. That would be my next plan on the agenda.
After saying my goodbyes, we both wished each other good luck. I made my way out of the hospital. My bus was already in and stopped right outside the entrance. I had enough time to show my ticket and had my choice of where to sit, as the bus was almost empty apart from two other people.
I'd only sat down for a minute as the bus pulled out. I was ready for the long journey home, well when I say long, it's because the bus goes around all the side streets and housing estates, so I had plenty to look at. It was also very busy on the roads, as it was nearly 5pm and people were coming out of work, which made the ride more interesting.
I was absolutely knackered when I got home, my hip was hurting badly, but I was determined not to have a pain killer. So after struggling up stairs to change, I was at last ready for some food. Not wanting to cook, I opened a tin of fish and made myself a salad. For the rest of the evening, I put my feet up and relaxed in front of the tv till bed time...bliss.