Action Andy Burnham

After Sir Keir Starmer started falling asleep in the middle of his own speeches, it became clear that Labour needed a dynamic man of action, someone not afraid to take decisive action on the key issues of the day. 

Action Andy is a man of the people, brave, daring and courageous, unafraid of tackling the most complex of political challenges with dynamic policy solutions. 

Climate 

The problem – global warming is having a devastating impact on Britain and we can clearly see early signs of a dystopian future, with drought in most of the country, green fields moldering to brown, water shortages, wildfires raging through forests, factories closing due to heat, food refusing to grow, elderly people dying in the heat. 

The action - Andy has proposed radical action - a ban disposable barbecues 

Transport crisis 

The Problem - Transport infrastucture is a mess. Train derailments are occurring on a daily basis and the roads have more holes than tarmac.  

The Action – Action Andy will take an innovative approach to bus travel – he will reintroduce Boris’ £2 bus fares. 

Water crisis

The problem – The private water companies have exploited their monopolies to maximise profit with devastating results, massive increases in bills, raw sewage pumped into rivers and oceans, leaks not fixed and no new reservoirs built in three decades, at the same time over £80 billion in debt accrued by water companies, mostly used to pay excess dividends to shareholders. 

The Action – Action Andy will take decisive action – a complete ban the sale of blue rubber ducks in Waitrose in Dagenham on every third Tuesday between 2 and 4pm. 

War in Iran 

The problem – The out of control US/Israeli invasion of a sovereign country is causing a worldwide economic slump combined with inflation.  Starmer facilitated the invasion by allowing the invading armies to use UK bases in their assaults on schools and civilian infrastructure. 

The Action – Action Andy will stand up to oppressive regimes by wearing yellow socks to zoom meetings where he agrees to do everything he’s asked to by Trump. 

Defence

The Problem – Britain is virtually defenceless. Trillions have been wasted on non-functioning weaponry, shiny multi-billion pound nukes that haven’t worked in tests for over a decade, the UK spends nearly 50% of its GDP on defence than France but have just over half the troops.  

The Action -  Action Andy has the solution. All military personnel will be issued with Poundland plastic water pistols to soldiers at a cost of £1 million per unit. 

AI data centres  

The problem - the use of AI is costing jobs, removing writers and performers of their rights, fueling cheating in academia, and using vast amounts of electricity and water, thus increasing pressure on electrify prices and drought crisis.  

The Action – Action Andy will force all supermarkets to place strawberry jam to the left of the blackcurrent jam. 

Prisons 

The problem – prisons are overflowing, thousands of convicts are being released early, the probation service is overrun, reoffending rates through the roof with courts instructed to avoid custodial sentences for all but the most heinous of crimes. 

The Action – Action Andy will ban the concepts of ‘outside’ and ‘inside’  thus there will no longer be a requirement for prisoners to be housed in actual buildings, they will simply be conceptually ‘in prison’, even when they are out and about committing new crimes.  

Income Inequality crisis 

The problem - Billionaires have tripled their wealth since covid, draining wealth and income from the rest of the country, leaving millions reliant on foodbanks, and the rest of us cutting back to pay the ever increasing cost of rent, heat and food.  

The Action – Action Andy will introduce a tax on criticising billionaires