Birmos In The Cowshed

Sheila Heggarty rushed excitedly to her front door, then looked aghast at the two men in front of her. 

“Oh,” she said. “I was expecting a delivery.” 

“We are the delivery,” said the first man. “I’m Steve.” 

“And I’m Barry,” said the second man.  “You ordered us.” 

“I didn’t order you,” Sheila said.  “I ordered a cat.” 

“A cat?” said Steve. 

"We’re not a cat,” said Barry. 

“I ordered a Birmos.” 

“We’re Birmos,” said Steve. 

“It means we’re from Birmingham,” said Barry. 

“We’re Birmingham City fans.” 

“Why on Earth would I order a Birmingham City fan? I wanted a cat. It's a pedigree.” 

“I’ve never heard of a Birmos cat?” said Steve. 

“We don’t have many pedigree cats in Birmingham,” said Barry. 

“A Birmos is a Lithuanian Birman. I was going to call her Kitty." 

“I see, you ordered a chopper did you?” 

“No, I ordered an axe.  You can see where I went wrong if you think about it – I wanted a bike but I ordered an axe.  Silly mistake." 

"Well, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want a pair of Birmingham City supporters, I wanted a feline, you’ll have to go back.” 

“We'll never get back to Birmingham tonight,” said Steve, “It’s too late now.  You need to put us up for the night.” 

“Well, this is Kitty’s bed. She was supposed to sleep here, but I suppose you can take her place until she arrives.” 

“A cat basket!” said Steve. 

“It’s not a cat basket,” said Sheila. “It’s a deluxe, state of the art, feline recouperation and relaxation facility, actually.” 

“You can’t expect us to sleep in a cat basket,” said Steve. 

“We're too big,” said Barry. 

“No we’re not Barry, we’re the right size, it’s the basket that’s the problem, it’s too small.” 

Yeah, it’s too small. And there’s only one of it.  You’ll have to find us somewhere else.” 

“Well there is the cowshed I suppose.  I was going to let Kitty live there.” 

“The cowshed?” said Steve. 

“You have a cowshed?” said Barry. 

“We're not cows,” said Steve. 

“Who even has a cowshed?” said Barry. 

“You can’t put us up in a cowshed.” 

“We have rights you know,” said Barry. 

“What were you thinking? You can’t put a cat in a cowshed.” 

“We're not cats, Steve.” 

“I know, but you still can’t put us in a cowshed even though we’re not cats.” 

“I think he means we can’t sleep in a cowshed as we’re not cows,” said Barry. 

“We're not cats. We're not cows either,” said Steve. 

“The point is,” said Barry. 

“In summary,” said Steve.  

“We're not cows,” said Barry.  

“We're not cats,” said Steve.  

“We won’t sleep in a cowshed,” said Barry. 

“Besides, where would the cows sleep,” said Steve. 

“Have you finished?” said Sheila. 

“Erm...” said Steve 

“Erm, I suppose,” said Barry. 

“There aren’t any cows.  It’s no longer a cowshed." 

“But you said ...”

“It’s a converted cowshed. It’s a sort of annex.   We built it as a personal living space for Felicity when she returned from university, but she’s moved on now.  Which is why we wanted a cat.” 

“We could give it a look I suppose,” said Steve. 

Sheila showed Steve and Barry to the cowshed.  

“You can stay here for one night. There are clean towels in the drawer, spare blankets in the other drawer.  If you use the shower please remember to use the extractor fan.  I’ll bring you breakfast at nine, after that you can leave for Birmingham.” 

“Bloody hell Steve, this is luxury,” Barry said after Sheila had left.  

Steve agreed. “This bed. These pillows, they’re made of feathers. Like bird feathers, not dart feathers.” 

“There’s  a fridge.  Oh my god, there’s beer in the fridge. There’s beer in the fridge. There’s beer in the fridge.” 

“Why did they put beer in the fridge for a cat? Is that a Lithuanian feline thing?” 

"And the TV. It's got Netflix.  We can watch Netflix, drink beer, chill like a cat."

"Netflix for cats?"

“We need to think carefully about this Steve.  Soft pillows, double bed each, free breakfast, Netflix, beer in the fridge, we need to get this gig long term.” 

“But she wanted a cat.” 

“Yes, but I knew a guy, went to the animal shelter for a cat, came back with a rabbit – he passed the rabbit cages en route and fell in love with a particularly cute bunny.” 

“But we’re not loveable rabbits Steve, we’re a couple of Birmingham City supporters.  Nobody’s ever walked past a pair of City supporters, fallen in love and taken them home as a loving pet.” 

“We just need to make an effort, Barry. Can you mew like a cat?” 

“Mew like a cat?” 

“Try mewing like a cat.  Try being really cute and mewing. We might be able to convince her to keep us.”