Direct Line to God

I’m lucky having God on tap. He’s there whenever I face a crisis. Many people find decisions difficult, but all I have to do is pray and I have the answer. Last week, for example, I was offered a job by my company’s main rival. It was massive increase in pay, I could work from home whenever I wanted. However, the implication of their approach was that they wanted me to take my contacts with me.

It was a real moral dilemma. I spoke to God about it. He answered back straight away, he’s good like that, no answerphone message or stalling minion, he takes all the prayers directly himself and just zings back almost before you’ve finished asking. “It’s clear what you should do,” He said. “Morally it would be wrong to take your confidential contacts to your new firm, you must turn the job down.”

Reluctantly I did as God suggested. It would be wrong of me to take a job on the basis of the confidential information I was bringing with me, rather than on merit alone.

I pity the non-believers who lack this direct access to morality and goodness. How could they ever know not to take the lucrative job, when they have no God to make their decisions for them?

I thought of God earlier today when a work colleague asked me whether I wanted my coffee black or white. If I said black, the coffee would be very hot and I’d risk scalding myself, thus putting an unnecessary burden on the overstretched NHS. If I had white though I would be adding to the environmental burden, encouraging the overuse of scarce land to graze cattle, each portion of milk in a cup of tea or coffee requires the destruction of approximately seven acres of rainforest. In addition, each cow produces enough methane in a lifetime to destroy seven cubic tons of ozone, adding to the greenhouse effect.

It was a difficult dilemma and I turned to God. As usual my prayers were answer rapidly and sagely. “Have your coffee black,” God advised me, “but with a drop of cold water in it to prevent scalding.”

It amazes me that atheists are able to drink coffee, lacking as they do the moral guidance to make sound judgements as to the most environmentally and NHS friendly way to consume the drink.

After work I was invited to the pub for a drink. Now this was a real dilemma for me. The bible doesn’t rule out alcohol, indeed Jesus himself runs an illicit distillery that converts water into wine. However, much social harm is caused by over-consumption of alcohol and many people are led into sin and temptation whilst in intoxicated state, indeed Beverley at work is frequently reporting back on her drink-fueled immorality. And some pubs, such as the Ravens Head in Bocking, near Braintree, are notorious for landlords who shout racial abuse whenever a black man appears on the television screen.

I prayed to God. “Should I go with my work colleagues to the pub?” I asked him. His reply was both wise and esiw (which is wise backwards, just to show off).

“Of course you should go to the pub,” he said, “for sharing friendship in a social environment is good for society. The pub is the hub of small communities, and with the oversight of the landlord, promotes responsible drinking, not the loudmouthed excess encouraged by drinking on the streets.”

I pity atheists. Without the guidance of God, the fools will never understand the moral necessity of going to the pub with your mates.

In a similar way God quickly answered my concerns about what to drink when we reached the pub. With the word of God to guide me I made the right choice, the locally brewed ale, which, at 3.2%, was not so strong that it would make me intoxicated, yet still had a refreshing, hoppy taste.

I pity atheists, who would never know that a pint of Cambridge Best Bitter is morally the right choice of beverage.

The only problem came when Beverley, one of the twin sisters I work with, asked if anybody wanted nuts or crisps. This posed a difficult dilemma for me. Nuts are rich in protein, but notoriously calorific. On the other hand, Walkers crisps pay vast sums to Gary Linekar, who is an annoying omnipresence on our TV screens.

I prayed to God for guidance. His response was unexpected. “Oh will you just make your own fucking mind up for once.”

I thought to myself, this is what it must be like all the time for atheists, living without any moral guidance. I pity them.