Direct line to god (IP)

“Good afternoon, this is heaven, how can we help?”

“Hello, is that God?”

“I’m afraid God is busy right now, but I’m here to help. Do you have a prayer caller?”

“I thought God heard all prayers himself?”

“God is omnipresent, He hears and sees everything, but at the same time He finds it easier to use the infinite resources and goodwill of his people to staff a personalised prayer answering service.”

“Oh, I see. You’re an angel are you?”

“Er, well, not an angel exactly. Just a prayer answering person.”

“Can you tell me what heaven’s like?”

“Technically that isn’t a prayer. I’m only able to answer prayers, it’s in the rules of the service.”

“Right, okay, Oh Heavenly Father, and his minions, pray answer me this: what’s it like in heaven, what joys should I look forward to if I keep free from sin?”

“Yes, very clever. I’m unable to tell you the joys of heaven, as it is important that you seek divine redemption through desire to cleanse your soul, not for personal benefit.”

“Ah, just tell me what you can see out of the window.”

“I can’t do that, I only answer prayers.”

“Oh, for goodness sake, pray tell me what you see out of the window.”

“Edinburgh castle.”

“Edinburgh castle? What’s that doing in heaven?”

“Well, I’m based in the Edinburgh office. Only dead people are allowed in heaven.”

“You’re not dead? What sort of prayer is it that’s answered by the living? You’ll be telling me next that you can’t answer my prayers with a miracle.”

“I would have to speak to my supervisor about that.”

“This is rubbish. I wanted divine support and guidance. I might as well be phoning the Samaritans.”

“I’m sorry you think that caller. Thank you for calling prayer line.

“Good afternoon, this is heaven, how can we help?”