Funeral Director Sketch

The Funeral director is dressed as a waiter from a French restaurant sketch (see the French Restaurant Sketch)

FD: Monsieur, Madam, welcome to chez Francoise, the finest funeral directors in the region. Have you booked?

Woman: “No. I’ve recently lost my aunt. We’re looking for a suitable coffin.”

FD: “Ah, of course. Sir and madam have chosen wisely. Take a seat.”

They sit next to a small circular table complete with table-cloth and glasses.

FD: “Gaston, the menus.”

Gaston brings the couple menus.

Woman: “Menus?”

FD: (Opens menu) “You will observe the finest selection of caskets available for your perusal.”

Woman: “Ah, I see.”

FD: “Would you like wine while you peruse?”

Man: “I wouldn’t say no.”

FD: “Gaston.” 

Gaston pours the couple glasses of wine.

Man: “What’s this, the Rocket Ship?”

FD: “Ah, a good choice. The deceased is placed in a one-person aluminium rocket-powered-container, liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen are lovingly combined in an exclusive combustion chamber, generating a million pounds of thrust, lifting the rocket up and out of Earth’s atmosphere and soaring towards the moon, into which the rocket will plunge, for an eternal lunar burial.”

Woman: “It doesn’t have a price.”

FD: “It is one of our executive range. You can’t put a price on the perfect funeral.”

Woman: “Does that mean you don’t charge?”

FD: (laughs) “Ah, no. We charge £250 million.”

Woman (shocked) “£250 million!

FD “Elon Musk would charge considerably more. Besides, you would have no charge for the burial plot. She would simply plunge into the lunar surface.”

Man: “It would make visiting to put flowers on her grave tricky.”

FD: “Sir is most amusing.”

Woman: “We don’t have £250 million. Can we be a bit more realistic.  What is this top one.”

FD: “Ah, the Deluxe Reposing Roost. It has everything. Lined with finest silk cushion, built with black walnut wood, resistant to rain and wear and impenetrable by all known insect types.”

Woman: “This one doesn’t have a price either.”

FD: “This is another item from our executive range. You cannot put a price on the perfect resting place.

Woman: “But supposing you did, what would it be?”

FD: “Madam is most direct. The Deluxe Reposing Roost, including costs of fitting and insurance, is £25,000.

Man: “She’s being cremated. She doesn’t need cushions, and we’re really not worried about break-ins, let alone insurance. What do you even insure a dead body against?”

FD: “Insurance covers anything untoward or unforeseen, theft, damage, an act of god.”

Man: “I think god has already acted in this case.”

Woman: “To be frank, we don’t really care about the casket, it’s going to be burned to cinders in a few days time. We don’t need any unnecessary features or insurance. What’s the cheapest option you have?”

FD: “Gaston.”                                                                                                    

Gaston takes the glasses of wine away and replaces them with water.

FD: “The Basic Burial is our cheapest option. The body is flung into a cardboard box that we’ve retrieved from a skip and then left untouched in the box until burial.”

Woman: “Where’s our wine?”

FD: “Madam said you wanted a service without any unnecessary features.”