The Idiot and the Dragon

 

Legend tells us that only an idiot can slay the Dragon, which is why, when the dragon re-appeared in the kingdom, demanding a blood sacrifice, otherwise it would destroy the town, a contest was held to find the biggest idiot of all, someone so idiotic they would fulfil the prophecy.

 

I won the contest hands down. On every test: practical tests with swords and sticks, theoretical, tests with sums, tests with words, I was decreed a ‘veritable mega-idiot’. Whatever that means.

 

So I’m off, to slay the dragon and save the town.  I am the idiotic hero predicted in the legend – who would have thought it.

 

I was presented to the king. “It is only right that our champion should be knighted,” the king’s wise-man said. “So that it is a knight that slays the dragon.”

 

“Very well,” the king said, drawing his sword. “Arise Sir Terrence. Now go and slay that dragon.”

 

“So, er, where do I go exactly?”

 

“To the hills.” He pointed to the hills.

 

“And what exactly do I do when I get there?”

 

“You slay the dragon.”

 

“So, er, won’t I need a sword?”

 

The wise man interrupted. “No actually, you won’t. Legend tells us that the idiot will slay the dragon using nothing more than his bare hands.”

 

“What about armour?” I said. “To protect me from the dragon’s fiery breath?”

 

“Legend tells us,” the wise man interrupted again, “that the idiot slays the dragon with neither sword nor armour.”

 

“What about provisions. It’s a day’s walk to the hills, I’ll need food and drink.”

 

The king nodded to his minions, who fetched food and drink.

 

“There’s only one day’s food there,” I said, “what about food for the journey back?”
 

“Legend tells us …” the wise man started to say, but the king interrupted.

 

“Oh just give him food for the way back. He is ‘slaying the dragon’, after all.”

 

“How exactly do I slay the dragon then?” I asked the wise man. “If I don’t have any sword, or armour?”

 

“Legend doesn’t tell us that,” the wise man admitted.

 

“Doesn’t it?”

 

“No. Just that you’ll win the battle and be a hero upon your return, and will marry the king’s daughter.”

 

“Marry my daughter!” the king roared, standing up from his throne.

 

The wise man continued, hastily. “Yes, of course, you know the legend your majesty, he marries your daughter ‘after’ he returns from slaying the dragon.”

 

“Ah, yes, of course. I was forgetting. I remember that bit of the legend now.” He sat back down on his throne.

 

Wow, this really was amazing. Princess Chesney was the most beautiful girl in the entire kingdom. To think that me, a humble idiot, would marry a princess.

 

I did have one concern though.

 

“Does the dragon know I’m coming to slay him? What if he runs away before I get there?”

 

“Never fear, the Dragon won't run away,” the wise man said. “Dragons don’t know legends. He thinks we’re sending the town’s biggest idiot for him to eat. He'll be waiting there, ready to feast on you.”

 

“Anyway, well done, brave lad, do pop in when you get back,” the king said.

 

“And marry the princess.”

 

“Yes, do pop in and marry the princess. Don't let me keep you, though, you've got dragons to slay and all that.”

 

Thus my audience with the king ended. My next audience will be with the vicious, fire-breathing dragon.

 

I’m writing this just before I set off. I’ll be too busy when I get back – what with marrying the princess and becoming a hero.

 

I can’t wait to see the dragon’s face when he find’s out that I’m not just some idiot they’ve sent him as dragon-snacks, but the idiot foretold in the legends. He’ll feel such a fool.