Oops prevention services

Semprini 4921 was an Oops Stopper. An inappropriately silly name for the most important job in the universe, but a perfectly apt name non the less.

Semprini’s job was to visit civilisations that had read ‘that’ level of technology, where they might accidentally stumble on one of the 37 known ways of destroying the universe and make sure that the Oops never happens.

Technically Semprini is a ‘Big Oops Stopper’. Little oopses do happen and the Intergalactic Convention decrees that these are unworthy of intervention. A ‘little oops’ might be the use of nuclear weaponry or some form of chemical warfare– an oops that will take out life on the particular planet but not pose a threat to the rest of the universe.

Semprini was chosen for the Earth job because he is an Obligon, meaning he shared the Seventh form of intelligent life (for a reason unknown even to science sentient societies capable of intergalactic activity all take the form of one of nine basic shapes and structures). The Obligons were single-headed, bipedal, food-eating, meatmades.

The Intergalactic Council’s research team had found evidence that the Earth was close to technology that would create a black hole big enough to swallow the multiverse.

“Note it says multiverse, not just universe,” clicked Head Researcher Steve the Steve, “which implies that they have found a weapon even worse than the 37, one which can destroy parallel existences. It’s simply astonishing, it would mean you could be killed by something that doesn’t even exist in your universe.”

Semprini 4921 studied the evidence. It was from an Earth journal entitled The Daily Mail. The article was headed ‘Science buffs risk creating black hole that will swallow the multiverse’. The article was written by ‘Science Correspondent’.

“I don’t understand,” Semprini said, having read the document several times, “the project described is a simple particle collider, how could that destroy the multiverse?”

“That’s what we need you to find out,” clicked Steve the Steve.

On Earth it had taken Semprini very little time to locate the offices of the Daily Mail, but finding Science Correspondent had been somewhat more teasing. It turns out that this wasn’t a person’s name, rather a standard byline for the science section of the paper. “We usually get interns to do the science bit,” the helpful receptionist had told her, “usually graduates happy to work for free to get the experience.”

Beyond this the receptionist had proven unhelpful and Semprini had had to hack into the paper’s primitive computer system to find the names and personal details of the journalists. It had taken seven phone calls to interns who had been working for the paper that day to locate the author of the article. Her name was Miss Karen Stevens and she agreed to meet, but only after Semprini had allowed her to believe he was the Editor of a science journal in need of contributors.

“I should warn you straight off,” Karen had begun, “that I know nothing about science. Though I’m really keen to learn.” She said this last sentence with a very broad smile on her face, as if teeth somehow made up for knowledge.”

“I am slightly confused,” began Semprini, “you are clearly identified here as ‘Science Correspondent’ and you wrote a story about science that appeared in the science section of a paper with a readership of several million beings.”

“Oh yeah, I’ll turn my hand to anything. I’m really flexible. To be honest I’d completely forgotten I’d written that ‘Black hole will swallow up the universe thing’.”

“The multiverse, surely.” He repeated the heading of the article word for word, had he needed to he could have quoted it in full.

“Yeah, whatever. Bad shit either way isn’t it?”

“Bad shit, meaning the end of all civilisation as we know it, but in the original text, it would have mean that parallel worlds, alternative universes also would have been destroyed. The finest minds in the universe were left scratching their heads by your claims.

“Yeah, I just got them mixed up to be honest. I won’t make the mistake again though if you give me the job.”

“A job, yes, well there is more I need to know first. Tell me about this threat to the multiverse, or universe, it was unclear from the article what the actual evidence was that the experiment was so dangerous.”

“Well it was just a story. The Daily Mail’s predicted the end of the universe a billion times.”

“A billion? But the Daily Mail is less than 120 years old. Published once daily that would require 238 predictions of the end of the universe in every edition.”

“A million then. Or a thousand.”

“Young lady, are not concerned by the threat to the universe you described in your article?”

“It was just a story, weren’t it?”

“You mean that you are a creator of fiction?”

“No, not fiction. It’s news. News has to be based on something, you can’t just make it up.”

“You mean it is based on fact.”

“Well, facts would do, but to be honest our readers don’t like facts, especially science facts, they can be a bit difficult.”

“So what was your article based on if it wasn’t based on facts?”

“Well it was this religious leader bloke. He said scientists should stop messing with the universe and that this big collider thing would destroy the universe.”

“The multiverse.”

“Yeah, that too. He said that governments should stop funding science and that gay marriage was wrong.”

“Right, and based on this ‘evidence’ you thought it wise to warn your readers that the universe was in imminent peril.”

“Well they were bashing atoms together and everything.”

“Young lady, your title was Science Correspondent, do you seriously not understand that every second in every part of the universe atoms collide. I can only say how startled I am that a journal with a readership of millions of beings would make such a terrifying claim but on the whimsical thoughts of a total fool.”

She did that thing with her teeth again. “As I say, I’m willing to learn. I pick things up real quick.”

After the meeting Semprini sat in a nearby café mulling over recent events, toying as he did so with a form of pastry and watching an unpleasant attempt at coffee go cold.

Usually Semprini’s work was very different from this. He would meet with the scientists and research on the brink of Oops discovery, point out the dangerous experiments they must avoid, the mistakes they simply must not make. At the same time he would be careful not to artificially advance their science, not to share knowledge and technology currently beyond their understanding, he would simply tell them what to avoid.

On some planets he would have to deal with the governments and leaders, where there was a reasonable fear that they might push the scientists they governed to try out the ‘dangerous’ experiments in order to get an advantage over rival leaders. Sometimes, where the ruler was ‘oops-brained’, the risk of developing a weapon that would destroy the entire universe would have to be explained patiently and carefully.

In this case it was different. He hadn’t met the scientists or leaders. He had spoken to several people on Earth, journalists, voters, people who had read about the imminent destruction of the universe and muttered ‘typical’ to themselves before carrying on with their daily routine. The ‘oops-brained’ he called these.

The technology here, as it turned out, was far short of an oops moment. However, Earth knowledge and technology had advanced rapidly. Within fifty standard years, maybe less, the Earth would reach full oops capacity. And then what would happen.

The last ditch option was in Semprini’s bag. He contemplated carefully.

He acknowledged that not everyone on the Earth was ignorant and oops-brained. The advances they had made in scientific understanding showed that there were people here with genuine knowledge and foresight. However, he had spoken to people on the street, read the online forums and the views of ‘science correspondent’ were in no way unique.

Here on Earth the leaders were elected by the ‘oops-brained’, oops-brained policies and promises were needed to be sure of winning. He read Ministerial statements proclaiming that income would be removed from the sick and disabled in order to force them to get better. Meanwhile vital medical research would be stopped, because it was ‘immoral’.

Semprini could return here in fifty years time, when the Earth was on the verge of oops technology. But there were always risks: science might make sudden, unseen advancements, or he and the other Oops Stoppers might all be engaged elsewhere when the oops moment happened.

In reality Semprini realised, he had no choice. Here on Earth oops-brained voters voted for oops brained leaders who made oops brained decisions. This would not change within just fifty years.

Reluctantly he clicked the on switch on the last ditch option, left it in the corner of the café and returned to saner parts of the universe.