Not Yours (version 2) Chapter One

The sun flickered through the trees, sprinkling sharp blinding flashes through the car window. Oakley’s eyes closed instinctively and disorientated her even more than recent events. She was frustrated by her sporadic blindness as the beautiful Sussex countryside was a welcome distraction from the turmoil in her head. 

The turmoil was a constant companion ever since that day when she came home and he was sitting slumped at the table. His blue eyes still haunted her, staring at her without any of the kindness and sparkle that hypnotised so many.Her brother was there in body, but he was still missing  All the love, laughter and shine had gone. Where was he?

She had played the scene over and over in her head for the last week. Desperately trying to colour the grey and find him, to bring him back to her. Everytime time she played it she added pixels and made it more and more vivid. Now, it was like a chromaticity rich, ultra vivid photograph with everything twice as alive to compensate for Ethan.

The reflections off the bottle of vodka were sharp like the sun hitting her today. The bottle laying down and reflecting the pale afternoon sun streaming through the open curtains. It looked like one of grandma's ship bottles that she kept because Alfie loved them so, even though he had long since left us. The ship from the vodka had long since sailed but the thick syrupy ocean was still incessantly, lapping gently at the neck and reflecting everything in the room. Including the empty pill bottle sitting next to the piece of paper, torn from the bottom of something. Most of the writing was scrawled, old and dusty in what looked like black charcoal, it said “GET OUT” and then underneath “NOT YOURS”. The Y in yours was crossed out with a single red sharpie line bold and fresh. The scrap of paper sat on an open school exercise book with the words Dear Oakley at the top and a biro that looked like it fell from Ethan’s hand.

The question of his failed suicide note was never far from her lips and with a start Oakley forced her eyes open again. Releasing her jaw from its grimace as she filed the memory away once more. Ethan had been the only constant and consistent thing in her life. She had often heard her grandmother's friends refer to people as ‘rocks’ or ‘anchors’. She always smiled knowingly as those people really had no clue about it.

Everyone else in her life she could remember meeting, but Ethan was the only one she couldn’t. She had no recollection of him not being around and no idea how to navigate the world without him. She sniffed violently. Instinctively she roughly wiped away a tear from her eyes and hissed angilry “Apart from now!” then turned back to the window. Alone. 

In the front of the car sat her mum. She remembered her arrival in her life alright. She crashed into her life about a month ago. A mum was never spoken about through her childhood it was always her, grandma and Ethan. She never missed what she never had but she always knew something was different about her and her situation. Mother’s day at school was always the hardest, Father’s day was next. Things seemed different for her, there were always hushed conversations and pensive glances shot in her direction. Teachers were usually open and bossy about what was going on but the week leading up to those days was different. She always felt alienated and lonely. She was missing out on something but had no idea what it was. 

Then a couple of months ago grandma cooked her favourite dinner, Lasagne and chips. As she served it, it became obvious that this was no celebration. The TV and radio were both off and while she tried grandma could not bring herself to smile. She kept glancing at Ethan to see if he was feeling like her but only her confusion was mirrored back in his eyes. They both tried to ignore dinner but the feeling of darkness, powerlessness and alienation was eating through both teenagers like the week before mother’s day. 

After dinner though, she wished to be back in the dark. Her world was suddenly turned upside down by the news of her mother. Not only that, despite what she had been told her whole life, she existed! She was also going to be making an appearance. Oakley’s stomach was cramping and twisting as she tried to figure out what was going on. Ethan was staring straight ahead and giving everything he had not to look at anyone. Any colour he had drifted from his face as he desperately fought back tears and a rage that emanated from his gut. 

Oakley harangued her slowly breaking grandmother with question after question desperately trying to make sense of it all. Ethan knew he needed to be strong for his little sister and imagined the comforting words that he might share with her to make everything okay. Without a look, he stood up from the table, picked up his coat from the arm of the sofa and walked out the door. That was the last time she saw him properly. 

Grandma’s face was puffy and red with tears as she deflected her granddaughter’s questions with the only information she had. “Your mother will tell you everything”. The only other words she could muster were “I am sorry Oakley, we thought we could protect you, we thought we could keep it all away.”