Being a third party is something I’m not proud of. The anticipated hurt is greater than the possibility of being with X. The girl does not even know that there’s someone who unintentionally steals X’s attention. She’s so clueless while X plays around. I’m not comfortable with the situation. I admit that I have a crush on him too but I’m not head-over-heels for him to the point that I’ll steal him from his GF. After all he’s the first one who had a crush on me and I just followed through although I know that he has a GF. I can hardly believe that I like the thought of being with him because he has a GF. Hmm now that's a different side of me. -guilty-
Things get so complicated because there are three other guys who loves me. There’s Charlie, who likes me for who I am. Charlie likes my personality and I sense his pure intentions. I can choose to like Charlie but his being the same perfectionist as I am holds me back. I get bored when I'm with him. It's like I should behave whenever he's around. It feels so awkward.
There’s Bong, whose parents really like me. Maybe Aj was right when he told me that I’m such a heart breaker. Hmm I just want to be true to myself when I don’t like a guy. I don’t want to give false hopes because that’s the ultimate crime I can do to a guy. Another reason of not accepting Bong is that he's 29 and I'm just 19. He's near the marrying age while I'm just beginning to explore the world. I don't want to be tied up with him at this early age. He seems to want to get married and his parents seem to want grandchildren as soon as possible. Yikes, I'm still young.
Due to the turn of events, I realized that X only likes me physically and that he just wants to kiss me. He likes my boobs, that I’m sure of because it’s so obvious. I never provoke him. I dress decently and I don’t expose unnecessary body parts. At first I really liked him. We called each other “chubby”. I liked him especially because he told me that’s it’s okay if I gain weight. The personality matters most and it will make no difference to him if I gain weight because he knows I’ll still be the same. I was really falling for him at that time. Then we had a drink and the people were giggling all over us. I left after drinking with him. It was such a fun time for him. The day after, three of our friends told me to be careful with him because he acted like a manic person and he was saying how he likes my boobs and things about sex. He also told them that his GF is his ideal girl but then he thinks I’m delicious and he wants to try me. I was offended because he only saw me physically. He never gave me a hint that he liked me only for my body. Later on, what I heard started to make sense because his GF has small boobs although she’s intelligent. I never saw that one coming. I never knew he was sexualy pre-occupied at that time. I’m shocked and relieved to know his real intentions before I started to fall deeply into him. I wanted him to like me for who I am, not for what he sees at the surface. I’m more than just a face and I have more than just a body.
On the other hand, Charlie was so sweet when he told me to come out of my hotel room. I came out and he was smiling at me. He asked me to close my eyes so I did, and when I opened it I saw the back of his shirt with those cute prints, “I love my prettiest friend, yrene.” I couldn’t help but giggle at him. We talked about his shirt and stuff. It was really fun. I enjoyed joking around with him. He was so careful not to embarrass me infront of anyone. He never even asked me to come inside my room. He just stayed there outside with me. Before he left, I told him I’m willing to know him better. He left with a smile that made me smile at him too.
I liked X more than Charlie before because X is so fun to be with. X is the opposite of me and I like seeing his reactions to things. But now things changed. I never knew he can be very sexually pre-occupied. I'm starting to see clearer. Hmm I really can’t tell how it’s going to be because I still have feelings for X and I don’t want to judge him readily. I want to give him another chance although I’m being careful around him. I still wait for some explanation of his behaviour. I might be wrong about X. Hmm it’s still too early to decide who to chose, and LOL no one is really asking me to choose. I don’t need to choose but the pressure around me makes me want to choose. I can’t stay stuck with all four boys! That would be difficult.
Finally, there’s Mark, he’s the president of our BSN section and I’m his vice president. I guess we just grew closer together because of the activities in the organization. We communicate more often than we normally do because it’s a must. He gave me a green bracelet last Christmas. I accepted it although I don’t know what to do with it because I don’t want him to think that I’m into him when I’m really not. I know jewelry has a symbol in a romantic relationship and the funny thing is we don't even have one. We just develop a smooth interpersonal relationship because we have to. I hope he knows that. Hmm then last Valentine’s day, he gave me a red rose, but then he also gave Jennifer a red rose. I don’t know how to interpret his acts anymore. I don’t want to confront him because it’s not something appropriate to do. I just don’t feel like confronting him. Hmm. Then there’s this incident when we were getting out of the conference room. I was walking ahead of him. The stairs were kinda slippery and I didn’t notice it. He was behind me when I fell backward. Althoug I was so thankful that he catched my back, it was still an awkward moment and people enjoyed the scene. I just thanked him and reorganized myself. He was with me until the time I reached my hotel room. It was so embarassing because I didn’t like him. He doesn’t have what I want in a guy but then I was forced to treat him well. I just can’t tell him off whenever he offers help. I don’t want to be rude especially when I know how sensitive he is.
Oh before I forget, Bong is a seaman and he earns a lot. Bongs's youngest brother, Jan is my classmate. I’m not sure if Bong’s in the navy or something like that. He rarely comes home. His mother tells me that he’s going to be back in the country soon. I just smile at her everytime she mentions his name. It’s like she wants me to like her son. Even Bong’s father treats me so nicely.
–sighs- Why should they do such nice things to me? It’s like I’m carrying the burden of not liking their son. I feel obligued to like their son everytime they’re around. I’m not comfortable with it but I can’t tell his parents off in front of people because it will surely hurt them.
Should I just go with the flow? I find it complicated to choose among the four boys. They better not put pressure on me all at the same time. I wouldn't know what to do when that happens. I just enjoy life and keep those suitors of mine at the back of my mind. Life is too joyful to complain about boys anyway. (^_^)