Tandoori under the Moon

Cherry

By littleditty

Fri, 07 Nov 2008
  • 3878 reads
11 comments
 

Star of Stars –
Thank You for your Welcome.
Taj Mahal luminous on the wall,
hands hold roses around a heart
saying: Wish you Were Here
for okra and butter chicken,
an ice cold Cobra slips easily
down the neat, tree-lined paths.
Wish You Were Here
before I jump into the picture
of Popadom and Lady’s finger,
meander the coriander
through the romance of mint,
mango, lime pickle, flagrant rice,
and the white mausoleum tragedy
of love stories.

Certificate U
Poem
Paseo Maritimo
Love

Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
Love the lyrical quality of the line: 'Meander the coriander' and the metaphorical: 'As ice cold Cobra beer slips easily Down the neat, tree-lined paths' However, think you need to reconsider your structure - it needs tightening - feels unthoughtful.

 

Submitted by littleditty on
jennifer - i removed capitalisation, added some punctuation, might be helpful for the reader - cheers for pointing out it may seem loose - hope the punctuation helps a bit?

 

Submitted by littleditty on
Star of Stars became a convenience store :( what a loss, though they did keep the same Taj picture on the wall - thanks nic, feel the images worked hard with this one xx

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Yes, much better. Though I would like to see it broken up into stanzas.

 

Submitted by littleditty on
There are 2 8 line stanzas there in the poem - i did want it that shape, as is -cheers jennifer xx

 

Submitted by jennifer on
There is only one stanza above! Unless I'm due a trip to Specsavers?!

 

Submitted by littleditty on
:Oo no trip to Specsavers needed - it could be two separate 8 line stanzas, but is one - the poem that followed was this one - stanzas, and sushi http://www.abctales.com/story/littleditty/japanese-under-sun-0 which may or not help expain what i am finding tricky to :)

 

Submitted by jennifer on
'the bubbles lean on ice cubes in the glass' what a wonderful line! But you did confuse me totally.

 

Submitted by littleditty on
sorry - i do try not to confuse, but find confusions everywhere - confusions have a life of their own - if i had said in Tandoori under the Moon there is a snake that cant cross water or a gap in the poem, and a butterfly shape, which is not a moth, that might not have helped matters either - glad you liked the bubbles line in the other - cheers for taking a look Jennifer, Nicky xx

 

Submitted by jennifer on
You might confuse me less if you thought about what you write, edited, then posted - use the 'preview comment' button - your above comment is stream-of-consciousness and hard to decipher!

 

Submitted by littleditty on
i do think about what i write. As i said, i didnt think it would have helped matters to mention the Cobra snake, or the shape of the poem, a butterfly, previously! It obviously was not helpful to mention them at all! Nevermind. It is not important - it's a one stanza poem, thanks, and i will try to be clear with you in the future, cheers.