Game of Moans 1: ‘Queue’
“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” said Post Office Counter Clerk Ygritte, as she printed out the postage label and stuck it on the bastard’s package.
“I know 2nd class UK mail for a small parcel shouldn’t be £4.50,” said Jon.
“Having trouble with your small package?,” said Tyrion, who was standing in the queue behind Jon.
“Nothing I can’t handle.”
“I fear the lovely Ygritte may beg to differ.”
“Seven Hells!,” said Jon, as he counted up his coins and came up short. He then recalled Tyrion’s recent night of whoring and drinking, after which Jon had bought him a hangover-alleviating cup of tea.
“You know the Lannister words, Tyrion?,” said Jon.
“You mean, ‘Hear me roar’?,” said Tyrion.
“No, the other ones.”
“‘A Lannister always pays his debts’?”
“Yup,” said Jon, as he held out his hand.
Tyrion sighed and counted up the appropriate coinage.
“Will you hurry the fuck up, you cunts?!,” came a rather gruff sounding voice from behind. “A man’s got a fucking bus to catch!”
“You’ll catch the pointy end of my Needle in a minute,” came the voice of a teenage girl.
“Who the fuck asked you?,” said Sandor Clegane aka The Hound (for twas he).
At which Arya (who could’ve doubted it?) got out a piece of paper and started reading from it:
“The Hound, Cersei, Ilyn Payne, chicken, choc ices, ketchup… damn, I’ve got my lists mixed up!”
Jon, Tyrion and Ygritte’s transaction then concluded and the queue moved forward.
“Thank fuck for that,” said The Hound.
“I honestly don’t think there’s any need for such frequent vulgarity,” said Samwell Tarly, who was in the queue behind Clegane.
“Who the fuck asked you, fatso?”
“I just think one can get across one’s meaning perfectly adequately without…”
“Ah fuck it…” - The Hound got out his big sword and relieved Samwell of his innards.
“Well that’s inconvenient,” said Samwell, as he dropped to the floor and died.
“Who in the Seven Kingdoms is responsible for this mess?!,” said Store Manager Dany, as she flew in on a dragon and considered the steaming corpse before her.
Clegane said nothing, which did little to help his cause, as everyone else in the store pointed at him.
“Dracarys!,” said Store Manager Dany, whose dragon then promptly laid waste to the sticky mess.
“Can I ask you, in future, not to kill anyone in my store?,” said Dany.
“Who the fuck asked y-?”
And that was it for The Hound.
[ end of part 1 ]