There is a Great Picture of Great Emperor Plutinplot! By Alfred N.Muggins

     There is a Great Picture of Great Emperor Plutinplot, the mere mortal who lost the plot and ran the Russian Army into the ground in Ukraine. He is sitting in the ‘cockpit’ of a Russian tank, which has been hit at the back and is giving off smoke. The tank’s treads are coming off, and its gun has wilted! Tarzan Plutinplot has his shirt off, showing off as usual to the Russian Public back home, despite this not even being a ‘War’.

    How can he ‘save’ Donbass from the Nazis if his tank is outside Kiev, and it had also run out of fuel before it was hit? His Generals should have stockpiled even more fuel and thought of ingenious ways to refuel. Can’t he even supply his armies with that precious Russian Oil his Federation Dictatorship has so much of?

    The trouble was, rumours, unofficial suppressed rumours, told it that even his Generals were getting shot at, or were thinking of excuses to resign. Like all the biggest dictators he fully believed that all soldiers were replaceable, apart from himself, of course. He himself was completely irreplaceable. How would a Russia without him at the helm stand a chance of restoring past glories and territories for Russia, and bring disloyal Ukraine back into its rightful orbit. Basically he was surrounded by incompetents, but he would have to make the best of it and use suitable rewards and disciplines to enforce compliance with his wishes.

    Will the Russian forces ever escape Ukraine and return to their mothers in Russia in one piece? It seemed Putinplot had stirred up a hornet’s nest in Ukraine, and many of his expendable forces would be lucky if they ever got back to Mother Russia, now their tanks and vehicles were running out of fuel. The drones bought by the Kulaks or given to them by NATO might get them before they got to the border, or NATO’s missiles and anti tank weapons!

    And when the young Russian conscripts started running out of food, they just might have to go raiding Ukrainian fridges and kitchens, the ones that were still standing, or hiding. Perhaps they should have kept a few more of them intact so they could at least pinch the Ukrainians’ food from them. But the selfish Ukrainians had run away with their food stocks, or hidden them in basements not yet found by Russian foragers.

     It was turning into something a bit like the German Army trapped in the ruins of Stalingrad, as the columns found themselves trapped and running out of food and fuel. Plutinplot began to regret taking over the generalship of his army in person. Like Nicholas Romanov II in the First World War, Napoleon the Corsican invader of Russia in 1812, and Adolf the Nazi in the Second World War (Great patriotic War!) he wasn’t actually doing a great job of it, but he would not admit that to himself! (and certainly not to anyone else! He was in fact (or fiction?) the Greatest General and Leader that had ever befallen Russia, and he certainly believed that himself, for he had always had a very high opinion of himself, just as foreign invaders Napoleon and Adolph had had, and of course his erstwhile predecessor Kind Father Stalin!

     The Army was getting short of supplies. Even missiles and tanks were getting a bit low in number. (All these spent weapons must have cost a bomb!) Plutinplot made a mental note to set up a five year plan as soon as he escaped this place to grow more food, and replenish the expensive military equipment and supplies they had lost.

    He began to think he might be better just bailing out, leaving his army behind, and getting back to Moscow, where at least he could raise a few more armies of Russian conscripts. After all Napoleon had returned swiftly from Moscow back to France, while his army had laboured to return from Russia in its harsh winter. He had had to leave his army behind, but had at least lived to fight another day, at Waterloo, which might, if he had been luckier, have ended better than it actually did. And something slightly similar had indeed happened to Adolf’s army in Russia, when it went too far forward and got its head chopped off at Stalingrad!

    Anyway he could return to Moscow and conjure a few more armies up with which to terrorize Europe and the poxy Liberal West! And then there was always the nuclear or even the Chemical option if things got desperate! A few well placed nukes sent From Russia With Love to a few Western capitals or NATO camps could soon turn things around! They would soon be pleading with him and eating out of his hand again.