Zombie! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 25)

Continued from Episode 24 - 'Toast!'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Finally heading for the ferry back to the UK with their cargo (and the delightful Chantelle Lace) they have had a brief stop at a service station but now need to get on.  What they don't know is that their 'cargo' (in the form of Frankie Knight) has unloaded itself in their absence:

“I’ll just make one last call of nature, sweeties, and then we’ll be on our way” Chantelle beamed at Josiah and Archibald before sashaying back across the room.  Josiah and Archibald watched her progress, thoughtfully.  At one moment, they both realised that they were doing the same thing and abruptly turned their attention, with some embarrassment, to the window and the car park outside.

“Hey up, Mr. O., there’s some bloke pretending to be a zombie out there!”  Archibald announced, cheerfully.

“Little things, Archibald, little things” Josiah commented, mournfully shaking his head at the foolishness of the world, “all the more reason for us to take our leave, I rather think”

“What about Miss Lace?”  Archibald glanced in the direction of the washrooms, anxiously.

“I am sure she will be more than equal to the task of finding us in the van, Archibald” Josiah said, firmly, putting his chair back neatly under the table and heading for the door.

“You’re all right, anyway, Mr. O., he’s not coming in after all” Archibald called after him, hastily scrunching his napkin up on the table and setting off in pursuit of his employer.

******

Frankie Knight stirred, briefly, on the mattress on which he was resting and tried to find a more comfortable position.  As this movement brought him, unaccountably, into direct contact with the remains of a rather ancient pizza, he jerked into relative consciousness.

‘It’s like my bed but…pizza?’  Frankie couldn’t claim to be the most domesticated of people but even he drew the line at sharing his bed with a decaying Meat Feast Special.  ‘Oh God,’ he thought, ‘Lacey will do her fruit about this!’  As his eyes became accustomed to the gloom, he spotted a couple of rusting paint cans and part of a bicycle.

“Hang about,’ he thought, ‘I was in a wardrobe, I remember climbing out for a slash and then…’  He wasn’t sure.  He dimly remembered stumbling toward some lights and then…this!

As various bits of the immediate past gradually slotted into place, he realised that he must have passed out, or something, and, somehow, landed face down in one of the open rubbish skips at the side of the building he had been heading for.  

He took a few moments to pull himself together, moments in which he heard footsteps march across the car park and an engine start.  He wasn’t quite sure why he felt it better to avoid other people but something at the back of his mind was telling him to lie low.  He just wished lying low didn’t involve scrabbling about in the remains of someone’s last meal.

******

"There's the Service Station!"  D.I. Wood yelled.

"I know that sir, but there's no way of getting there from this carriageway!  I'm going to have to go down to the next exit and come back on myself"

"Oh, stone the flaming crows!  This is bloody ridiculous, Sergeant.  We can't keep charging up and down the motorway in the hope we'll come across them"

"I don't see what else I can do.  There's nowhere else to go."

"Oh gawd help us!  That's them!  I've just seen their van pulling out of the Service Station.  Get your toe down Stoney, at least we know where they are now"

"I was hoping for a cup of tea" D.S. Stone grumbled.

"You ain't having no tea.  You ain't having no liquid at all until you've got an empty bottle at hand.  Suck it up, Sergeant, and let's be having them"

******

Further South on the Autopista, a small rental car was busily ignoring all speed limits as it sped into the darkness.

"I wish you wouldn't drive quite so fast, dear" Lawrence pleaded, miserably.

"Hah!"

"You do know that you're not really supposed to be driving at all?  Our rental insurance is just in my name, we're not covered for you to drive.  We could get into a lot of trouble."

"Hah!"

"We could get fined at the very least.   As it is, I dread to think how much all this is costing us.  I've had to shell out a king's ransom just to get them to agree to us leaving the car at the port.  Then there's the cost of the ferry tickets."  Lawrence swallowed hard and took a chance, "I do think we may have overreacted a teensy bit, dear"

"OVERREACTED??  Lawrence, I had a corpse in my bed, how did you expect me to react, huh?"

"As the Police said, dear, he posed no threat to you.  I agree it must have been a bit of a shock, but…"

"A BIT OF A SHOCK?  I was groped by a corpse and you think it was 'a bit of a shock'?  How would you feel if some stone-dead slapper had grabbed your backside?"

Lawrence turned to look out of the window at the dark Spanish countryside flashing past and said, quietly, "Might be an improvement"

"What?"

"Movement dear, I was commenting on our movement.  I really think we should slow down a little"

"I'm not slowing down until I can see that ferry.  The sooner I leave this damn country, the better."

"I just think you're being a bit unfair" Lawrence said in a small voice.

"Hah!"

“There’s a service station coming up, dear” Lawrence announced, hopefully.

“And?” Amber snapped.

“I could really do with visiting the little boy’s room”

As luck would have it, Amber realised that she, too, would welcome a ‘comfort break’.

“Little boy’s room is right!” She hissed, but headed for the exit anyway, “You and your minute bladder will be the death of me!”

******

From the depths of his rubbish pile, Frankie heard a car pull up and stop.  Two sets of footsteps made their way across the car park, one slightly faster than the other.  Then silence.

Frankie unearthed himself with some difficulty and lurched back across the car park, segments of pizza stuck to one side of his face.  He stood, nonplussed, for a while as it slowly dawned on him that the bright yellow van was no longer there. Fortunately, where it had been, there now resided a small car, apparently bursting with luggage and bags.  It looked inviting, well, certainly more inviting than his recent rubbish skip.  He tried the back door speculatively and was pleased to find it opened.  He crawled between the various bags and gratefully slipped back into unconsciousness.

“Just a coffee, dear, that’s all” Lawrence pleaded.

“No!”  Amber marched briskly across the car park toward their vehicle with Lawrence hurrying after her.

“To go?”

“Absolutely not.  I’m not stopping at every urinal between here and Santander just to satisfy your cravings”

They climbed into the car and Amber sped off toward the Autopista.

“I think you’re being very unfair, dear” Lawrence grumbled; arms crossed in the eternal pose of the very put upon.

“Unfair? UNFAIR?  Who dragged me on this damned holiday in the first place, that’s what I want to know?  That’s what’s unfair.  I could be relaxing right now in a deckchair in Sandown…”

“I don’t think you would, dear,” Lawrence pointed out with a certain suicidal bravery, “it is the early hours of the morning, even there you know”

“That’s right, quibble!  Pick me up on every little thing, like you always do!” Amber fumed.

“I’m just pointing out…”

“Well, you can stop it.  I’ve heard enough from you to last me a lifetime.  My mother warned me about you…”

“Oh no, not this again” Lawrence said, mournfully.

“She said you would lead me a merry dance and she was right!  You and your ‘thirst for adventure’!  Just look where it’s landed us”

“Do you two always go on like this?” A deep voice from the back seats asked.

“Yes, I’m rather afraid…” Lawrence began, then looked at Amber who looked quizzically at him.

“Well, can you put a sock in it?  Some of us are trying to sleep” Frankie Knight heaved himself upright from the pile of luggage and appeared, menacingly, in the rear-view mirror, a vision of bruises, cuts and pepperoni, directly in Amber’s line of sight.  Amber (who, by now, had considerable experience in this practice) screamed.

“Gawd help us, did you have to do that?” Frankie asked, irritably.

“Who are you?” Amber shrieked, “and what the hell are you doing in our car?”

“Not really important, is it?” Frankie replied, sleepily, “Just need a lift, that’s all.  Shouldn’t be any trouble”

Amber brought the car to a violent halt on the side of the road.

“I want you out of this car, right now!” She said, firmly.

“Do you have to?” Frankie said, wearily, “I’m just trying to get a bit of kip, that’s all!  I don’t wanna do this, you know?”

“Is that a gun sticking in my back?” Lawrence asked, nervously.

“You win tonight’s star prize, young man” Frankie chuckled.

“In some ways, that’s a comfort to know” Lawrence responded, miserably.

Now read on in Part 26