Ralph Monkton Lives!

In the 1980’s I was living and working in London for a Dutch company. My role was in stock control, based in the accounts department, and my colleagues were mostly accountants, one of whom – I’ll call him Stuart, had a desk close to mine, separated by a spare desk that never seemed to be much used, apart from the occasional temp.

I soon found a kindred spirit in Stuart; we both would spend hours talking to each other as Pete and Dud – me Pete – he Dud; though out of consideration for our colleagues sensibilities and to avoid being sacked, we did eschew Derek and Clive,. And to add variety we worked on other voices – mine being a passable Prince Charles, which I used when calling the service department – reducing their secretary to hysterics. 

What saved us from censure was a combination: of being reasonably competent in our work, and that our boss Mr. Patel, an affable gent, was not familiar with English satire: he was more nonplussed, when we didn’t speak in funny voices instead of our normal ones; and the rest of the department treated us as idiots. And all the time, the other desk stood unoccupied between us.

What changed was the phone on that desk ringing, quite a few times each day; usually from someone trying the wrong extension, or after the wrong person. One day it seemed to be ringing more often than usual, so as I picked up the extension some mischievous urge came over me, because I answered: “Ralph Monkton’s phone”. This confused the caller; and after that we were on a roll, always answering in this way.

That would have been enough for some light levity, but we being idiots we began to cultivate the persona of ‘Ralph’, and to do so by subtle increments; as an example, when in the lift with others we’d discuss Ralph – sometimes in a positive way, sometimes critically. Over time we upped the game, signing cards as Ralph Monkton; even – and this was a master stroke – sending memos from his desk. 

After two months we felt that Ralph Monkton had achieved corporeal reality, at least in the minds of others, and to some extent manifesting through internal communication. The pinnacle of our endeavours, which we aimed for, was to have Ralph placed on the payroll; and again, we approached this in a crab-like way – sideways. The breakthrough, we felt, was to have the extension on ‘his’ desk listed against his name in the internal directory, and this we achieved.

That Stuart and I did not have our future c.v.’s showing time spent on Her Majesties pleasure is due – thankfully, to our overreaching ourselves. It so happened, that our branch manager was retiring, and it being such an august occasion, the retiring event was occasioned by an outpouring of (almost) sincere well-wishing for a well-earned happy retirement, assisted by a fat pension.

Apart from signing his card as Ralph, I also sent a telegram, purporting to be from Ralph, in the Aberdeen branch, and I larded the message with references to all the good times they both had, when rising through the corporate ranks. Unbeknown to me Stuart had also concocted a congratulatory message, but for some odd reason, he’d made it as from a Ralph Van Dermonkton at head office. These were read out and, and not surprisingly – the cat was out of the bag! Who is this Monkton fellow? Was the question being asked. And the trail went back to the spare desk in our office.

We didn’t get sacked; instead, we fudged it by blaming it on one of the temps who used to work there, and harbouring an insane grudge against the company, had concocted the whole thing. We, we trusting two, had been duped into believing there was such person as an R. Monkton; and we were almost believed. Not long after Stuart got his hearts wish, by being accepted for flight training in the R.N. While I, only seeing my stay in London as not exceeding two years, was back on the road again, homeward bound to Australia.  

But sometimes, while lying awake in the night, I wonder, if there is not, in an empty office in London, a phone ringing – for Ralph Monkton. 

© D G Moody 2024

(Image courtesy of Wikemedia Commons)