Sleepless in Settle! (I.P.)

Sleepless in Settle (I.P.)

Sleep was late in coming. It should have arrived well before midnight. Tomorrow was going to be a big day for me because I was going on a long journey to an unknown place, the thought of which set me trembling with fear and anticipation. I didn’t know if I would be able to cope. How would these people, these strangers, treat me?

Would they take me to their hearts or would they reject me? I had known rejection. It was painful. Some would say it was necessary…not a view I subscribed to! Those in favour thought it would toughen me up. It didn’t, it just led to self doubt.

Fear of failure and self doubt those dreadful twins that cause impotency by making one feel inadequate. As I lay awake, imprisoned by fear and denied the release of sleep, I wondered not for the first time, why I put myself through this ordeal time and time again. Was it some sadistic need in me that I had to expose myself to ridicule, to spite, to criticism? I don’t know myself well enough to answer that.

I just feel as if I’m propelled towards the inevitability of what lies ahead yet no one forces me to do this; it is entirely of my own volition. I sometimes feel like a self harmer with the pain my chosen path causes me but I am powerless to resist the force that exerts its influence over my every waking moment. Why do I put myself through this? This is the question always on my lips or in my mind as I lay awake. Yet still I allow the force to grow and decide my every action…and, as always, on these sleepless nights the question remains unanswered!

Tomorrow I will travel alone though many people including my family have said they will be thinking of me. I doubt I will be thinking of them.

I will have enough to cope with as I have never been to the capital before and with no one there to welcome me I am fearful of finding my way about as well as all the things people have warned me about; pickpockets, thieves, physical attacks. Why on earth am I going? Why do I keep asking myself this same question? When the force is with me then I am powerless to resist. So tomorrow I will get up very early and shower and dress and catch the 7.30 train from my home town of Settle in Yorkshire and make my way South. Will I never learn? How many nights have I had like this and with so little sleep I then have to face what lies ahead with the energy of a sloth.

Sleep, why do you always choose these nights to abandon me? Why could you not be a friend and give me release from this gut wrenching fear of what lies ahead? I keep telling myself it is just another day and by this time tomorrow I will know the worst. Will I be able to cope with knowing? My confidence left a week ago, just packed its bags and went. Up until then I was quite buoyant but my confidence has been replaced by another set of twins, misery and fear.

I can’t even say it is fear of the unknown because I know what it is I will be facing tomorrow….

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There was something going off in my head like gunshots. Sleep had stealthily crept up and overtaken me but now as I tried to work out what was causing these gunshots I opened one eye and saw my alarm clock bouncing up and down in fury at being ignored. I silenced it with one deft move of my hand. I jumped out of bed and made for the shower as quietly as possible so as not to wake my mother and father. I intended to breakfast on the train; that is if I could force something down. Unlikely but who knows?

I arrived far too early at the station. My train wasn’t until 7.30 but here I was on the platform at 7.00 waiting for its arrival with cold dread lodged in the pit of my stomach. I shivered in the early morning sun and it seemed an age before my train made its appearance.

Once on the train I settled back and looked out of the window as I went through all the things I had to remember. I had been told what was expected of me, when and where and provided I could find the place I would be all right, providing, also, none of the things I had been warned about happened. So, I should reach the place in plenty of time.

On arriving at Kings Cross Station, I started to look for the underground and after a few enquiries I eventually found where I needed to be and all without incident. On arrival at my destination I was greeted by some harassed looking official with a clipboard who showed me where I could freshen up. Then with little time to prepare myself I was propelled forward and as I accustomed myself to the bright lights the crowd roared their approval.

This was always the point where my question was answered. Yes, there was nothing like the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd. To a comedian like me the reception one gets from an audience is the lifeblood that pulls one up from lethargy to frantic activity as I attempted to entertain this huge crowd that packed the 02 Arena. The judges smiled a friendly greeting and looked on encouragingly as I began my performance. I could hardly believe it. Here I was standing on the stage, all thoughts of sleepless nights in Settle now a distant memory and of no consequence. Every time I get a reaction like this, whether it is from the audience in a village hall or the O2 Arena it always gives me the same answer to my question. This… is why I do it!

End