Weight and See! A Monologue

Weight and See! A Monologue

Good Morning to all you Shape Up or Ship Out Ladies, are we all ready for our Self Esteem Therapy? For the benefit of the new ladies this is where I, as your personal slimming consultant, help you to look at yourselves in a new way. You see yourselves only from the front but I am here to show you your backside, so to speak, and let me tell you it’s not a pretty sight.

Now then ladies, settle down. I know you’re eager to get started but first I want to give a short talk about the benefits of exercise if one is serious about losing weight. Let’s take Morag here as an example. No one can tell me she wouldn’t benefit from a 10k run every evening, especially while we’ve still got the light nights. What’s that you say, Morag? You find it difficult enough to walk without your stick. You know what your trouble is, Morag, you lack motivation?

Yes, I’ve heard these excuses all before. Breathing difficulties...What about the Team GB athletes don’t you think some of them have to go on oxygen? If you would just put your mind to it then it wouldn’t be a problem? (Pause) You’re about to go into hospital to have what replaced? Oh, now I think you’re just putting obstacles in the way. Never mind, we’ll take a closer look at what you’re eating. No, no, it’s not a punishment! I just think perhaps two lettuce leaves with a whole cherry tomato as well as a slice of cucumber may be the very thing that is causing you to gain weight. You obviously have a very slow metabolism.

Now then, I think Keeley might be another one who needs some encouragement as she too put on half a pound. Now, with you Keeley, being younger and with your wedding coming up, I think you are in need of more vigorous and exciting exercise so my suggestion is that you take up abseiling. What’s that…you’re afraid of heights? Well, aren’t we all dear? But that’s just my point if you were to do something you’re afraid of then I think the weight would just drop off. Why? Well, because if you’re that frightened you’ll be what my fellow Consultants and I call SS (mouths) ‘Shit Scared’ which will give you an upset tummy and that can be worth its weight, if you’ll pardon the expression.

Let’s just consider for a moment the benefits of being SS. Now imagine how you would feel if you were abseiling and one of your straps were to give way. Now that could be very beneficial as you would be in exactly the right frame of mind to get a little tummy upset when you’re dangling by just one rope, when there should be two, whilst swinging upside down in the air fifty foot up. I’ve known girls go up a size fourteen and come down a size twelve. Yes, you could. I bet if you were to order that wedding dress in a size twelve and you went abseiling twice a week for the next six weeks I think, yes, I really think you could lose four stone in that time.

And just as a little incentive I’m going to make this a free week for you. No, no, there’s no need to thank me but I insist you eat nothing but Scan-brot for breakfast and lunch and they are £3.50 a packet so that will be £10.50…such a bargain at that price! Oh, and for dinner you can have a shake but I’ve only got the Choco-skin and the Strawberry Shake’n’Vac with me today. So you want what? Two Shake’n’Vac and four Skin! No, just mix them with water but to really get enjoyment overload try to get all the lumps out and dunk your Scan-brot in. Ooh, just talking about it makes my mouth water.

Now then, Evelyn, how’s the swimming coming along. Before you say anything, I’ve spoken with the Pool Manager today and he tells me you’re not getting there till after six, now I think you know that isn’t good enough. Well, you must set your alarm to wake you earlier.

You know very well you can’t do thirty lengths in half an hour and the pool is open to the public from six thirty. No, I’m sorry that’s no excuse, who ever heard of anyone not swimming just because they’ve got Bronchitis, I should think all that chlorine would help clear your chest. So, I shall be looking to see some improvement from you, madam, especially as you’re our oldest member. Yes, ladies, Evelyn will be ninety next birthday and thanks to Shape Up or Ship Out she has lost three stone and has been Slimmer of the week on more than one occasion. No, no, I don’t think clapping is in order. After all, she hasn’t been keeping up with her exercise regime so she isn’t really a suitable role model for the rest of the class.

Anyway, for the benefit of the new ladies, as you can see, we at Shape Up or Ship Out deal very sympathetically with any of our members who are struggling by giving them positive feedback to raise their self-esteem and by offering them advice on how to get the results they want. Rest assured we are not here to judge or humiliate. Now I think it is time to turn my attention to the star of this week's weight loss programme.

So give a big hand when I introduce Jemima Puddletruck as Slimmer of the Week as she lost…let me see, I wrote it down somewhere. Aah, here it is…she lost FOUR OUNCES! No, that can’t be right. Oh, no, I am a silly Billy! It was you that lost your purse. No, I’m sorry; I can’t let you keep the Sash you must give it back. The Shape Up or Ship Out Sash is highly sought after. So who was Slimmer of the Week? You again, Shirley Shankley, surely not? I don’t believe it. You’ve been Slimmer of the Week for the last six weeks.

Perhaps you would like to tell the class how Shape Up or Ship Out has helped you to achieve this. Yes, yes, don’t be shy the class can only benefit from hearing how you have managed such a monumental achievement. What’s that? This is not the only slimming class you go to. What you go to another one of our classes nearer your home? You go where? Oh… how could you?

Where’s your loyalty to go there of all places. I can hardly believe it. All this while and then to find out I’ve been clasping a viper to my bosom. Eyes Down and Look Slim why they are the Anti Christ to us at Shape Up or Ship Out! Now just give me back that Sash. No, no, give it back you’re not having it. No you’re not. You’re not going to…there…now look what you’ve done…you’ve ripped it! No, no, say what you like, my class won’t be swayed. What…they do a really nice range of shakes and they’re cheaper than Shape Up’s!

Yes, but I don’t expect the members get either the personal touch or the encouragement that my ladies get to help them succeed with their weight loss aspirations? What…the Consultant is lovely! Oh, you would say that just because I wouldn’t let you have the sash. I know the woman and I know all that talk about her having lost four stone is rubbish…she’s never been more than a size zero!

Really, if what you’re saying is true, then where are her Before photos…answer me that why don’t you? Mine are here for all to see…well, because I don’t feel, after all this time as a Consultant, that I need to have my Before photos on show. Okay, okay, I’ll go and get them from the back room.

Here they are…Well, I don’t think that’s very nice. When? When? When have I ever laughed at your Before photos. And I was never as big as that. It’s the photo it’s been blown up. What’s that? What did you say? Pity I wasn’t blown up with it. Where are you all going…Come back…come back…she won’t love you like I do…What, what about your Scan-brot…

Oh sod it! It’s at moments like these that I appreciate being a Chelsea fan. No not the bloody football team…the buns… the buns! Now where did I put them!

End