The Cat Krampus Campus (and Moment who couldn't resist not doing nothing)

 

‘I’m giving you one last chance, Moment. You won’t be getting anything on Christmas morning but if you can prove to me that your behaviour has improved over the Christmas period then…perhaps you can be spared.’

 

‘Spared?’ said Moment, confused but not frightened at all, curious about what exactly he was about to be spared from.

 

‘Yes, nothing will happen to you, for now but I’ve placed you on my list, in my team and if your behaviour stays the same or gets worse, I will have no choice but to return to come and get you.’

 

Moment looked across at his brother who was cowering in the corner of the room, half hidden behind a cabinet with huge eyes watching the Krampus. He couldn’t understand it, Totem was always so good, so restrained, he resisted temptation, he was cute and floppy and everybody loved him. 

 

They all wanted to cuddle Totem even though he never appeared to do very much with his life at all, he just sat and stared and purred. He was just like a cuddly toy but with the inconvenient appetite and physiology of a real live mammal.

 

I can be just like Totem, he thought, it’s easy, you just do nothing. And he vowed that from now on, or at least over the Christmas period, he would simply do that, or less than that, otherwise known as nothing.

 

The Krampus laughed as he turned and walked away, his huge black hooves clipping to the floor, his tail disappearing out of the back door.

 

Totem stretched out and crept slowly out of his hiding place. ‘It’s lucky he didn’t take the children,’ he said, ‘it was you brought him here to this house with your constant trouble making.’

 

Moment didn’t respond. He had been just about to investigate some interesting smells on the kitchen surfaces when they had been disturbed by the rattle of the Krampus. Now he could get on with it. He jumped up effortlessly and walked across some plates where interesting smelling crumbs had been left, disturbing a saucer so that it fell to the floor and smashed.

 

Moments later Harry, the man of the house, appeared in his dressing gown. He turned on the light, let out an angry sigh before removing the broken crockery with a dustpan and brush. ‘Every moment, you do something naughty!’ he said, wrapping the M mark on the top of Moment’s head with his knuckles.  Moment winced at his owner. ‘Now I’ve got a busy day tomorrow, I hope I can go to sleep without you disturbing me again.’ 

 

He briefly paused to give Totem a gentle, reassuring rub on the back of his neck. ‘Good boy, Totem,’ he said.

 

Moment was annoyed with himself. He’d already broken his promise to do nothing but those crumbs had been calling his name all evening. It wasn’t his fault that they had been so clumsily stacked on the surface and not made their way into the dishwasher.

 

He was about to curl up and have a little snooze but the two cats were disturbed by hushed voices chatting outside. Totem gave him a suspicious look and they both scampered up to the edges of the curtains to look out. The Krampus was still there on the driveway and he was chatting to none other than Father Christmas beneath the light of the moon. They were exchanging information quite intently, occasionally bursting into laughter and touching each other on the shoulder like old friends.

 

Then Father Christmas broke away from the chat, he had work to do and the cat brothers scurried into hiding. They waited until he could be heard up on the roof, clattering around and then sliding down into the hearth, clutching a small dried sprat in his hand.

 

He patted Totem on the head and recited a little poem, 

 

‘A dry little sprat 

 for a spry little cat

 A small Christmas token

 for the one they call Totem

 On the one who resists

 we bestow little gifts’

 

Totem rubbed his head against Father Christmas’s legs, purring all the time so that the jolly man bent down and handed him the sprat which he promptly ran away with, under the table to enjoy in private.

 

Moment walked up expectantly, sitting in front of Santa who now held nothing in his hands and could only look down at Moment and shrug his shoulders.

 

‘For the one who marauds

 I can give no rewards’

 

He patted Moment on the head but Moment looked at him confused about the whole thing. The smell of the sprat was playing on his mind for he had a keen sense of smell and he sidled up to his brother and ate some of the silvery slivers which had fallen to the floor and glistened in the moonlight from the window.

 

Father Christmas laughed and shook his head. ‘That’s not for you, Moment, you must let your brother eat it all for himself.’

 

‘But what do I get?’

 

‘You get the pleasure of being naughty, that’s your gift to yourself.’ With that he turned away and clambered up the chimney and off to the neighour’s property.

 

The family were up early and it was far too cold for cats to be outside so the brothers remained in the kitchen, cuddled up to each other for warmth. They were not enemies, just different. It was more that Totem was dismayed at Moment’s constant urge to cause mischief and Moment was perplexed by Totem’s perceived laziness and constant flirting with his human family.

 

The children were restless as they ate their breakfast of croissants and yoghurt. Some crumbs fell onto Penny’s lap and Moment was quick to jump up and try to claw them off so that he could eat them.

 

‘Mum! Moment is scratching me!’

 

‘Oh, that bloomin cat! If only he could be more like Totem, then our lives would be peaceful but every single Moment he does something naughty.’

 

Moment jumped off Penny’s lap. He wasn’t trying to scratch her at all, he didn’t scratch children but the butter smell from the croissants was irresistible to him and they were so messy with flakes flying off everywhere onto the children’s laps.

 

‘Go on, get outside!’ 

 

Moment felt strong hands around his waist gripping him and then gently pushing him through the catflap. The December wind nipped at him so that his fur stood on end. He noted that the catflap hadn’t been locked so decided to sit on the window sill biding his time until it felt safe to go back in. He stared inwards at the family, trying to make them feel guilty. 

 

They were all too focused on the day, there were presents to open and food to prepare. Extended family members would be arriving soon and there was to be a houseful of guests. Moment watched as Carol, otherwise known as Mum, placed a whole salmon into a clear glass dish, smothered it in butter and dill, covered it with foil and placed it into the bottom of the oven. 

 

Mmmm, he thought and glanced over at Totem through the window to see if he had noticed but Totem was oblivious, snoozing. He was thoroughly incapable of forward planning anyway, indeed Totem was a simpleton and that’s what made him good.

 

The sun came out and it wasn’t so cold outside afterall, not when one became accustomed to it. Moment watched as various cars pulled up on the driveway, polished for the occasion. He waited as people got out, dressed in their nice outfits for Christmas. Carol welcomed them at the door in her best, ‘customer services’ voice, then he walked all over the roof and bonnet of their cars, leaving dirty footprints upon the polished steel.

 

Carol was thoroughly distracted now, rushing around, hanging up coats, taking gifts from people, pouring drinks, smiling falsely and calming the children through gritted teeth. 

 

Moment went around to the dining room window, jumped up onto the sill and looked in. The table had been extended and set with a white linen cloth, shiny silver cutlery and wine glasses. His head turned quickly as he spied the salmon, there in the middle of the table, all cooked now and cooling down. They were going to have it cold, as a starter, although it wouldn’t be cold just yet, it would be blood temperature.

 

His mouth filled up with saliva and before he could remind himself to do nothing, he was heading towards the unlocked catflap and rushing across the hallway.

 

‘Aw, a cat!’ remarked one of the guest children who rushed over to pet him but he evaded her, keeping his body low, he hurried into the dining room and hid under a sideboard to catch his breath.

 

You must remain calm, he told himself but the smell of the salmon was overwhelming. He jumped onto the table in a single movement with one eye on the door. It was fortunate that the doorbell rang again, more guests arriving, he could relax, there was no way Carol would be coming to check on her salmon. 

 

Part of him wished that Totem would join him so that the blame could be shared but he was likely still snoozing in the kitchen, doing nothing which was his prerogative. He sniffed the prize, it was too big for him but he decided, very wisely, rather than tuck in to it right there and then on the table in full view, he would take away a large piece to eat under the sideboard.

 

He clamped his jaws around the slimy tail and pulled. About a third of the salmon came away. It would have been unwise to try to lift it because it would only break up into inconvenient flakes so he gently dragged it across the table, leaving a greasy smear across the white cloth. It dropped onto the carpet with a light thud and he carefully pulled it under the sideboard. This was way better than a dry little sprat. What was the point of doing nothing and being good? He thought as he tucked into the michelin starred cat’s brunch.