The Leaf Blower - Part 3

 

After lunch, Andy insisted that it was Barry's turn to carry out leaf blowing duty. This wasn’t among his favourite activities, it was far too sterile, Barry was a man who enjoyed getting dirty. He loved nothing more than popping into Tesco on his way home from work with a wild look in his eyes and covered from head to toe in black muddy smears. People moved out of his way, they winced as he touched the bananas and it made him feel closer to his neanderthal roots.  

 

Blowing leaves wasn’t really for him. He endured it for an hour or so before giving up, grabbing a pitch fork and going off to turn the compost heap, passing the leaf blowing baton back to Les who was keen for another go.

 

Dennis wasn’t really sure how to fill the day without his favourite tool. A list of jobs was written and regularly updated on the whiteboard in the staff room, together with a marker pen to cross them out and initial them on completion. So far Dennis had never had to participate in this ritual, he considered it beneath him and even a form of micromanagement. 

 

He’d been in his job longer than the others and therefore saw himself above formal instruction, instead assigning himself the role of leaf blower extraordinaire and quietly reaping the unexpected benefits for several years.

 

Reluctantly he pushed a wheelbarrow down to the formal gardens that bordered the clubhouse patio and began digging out dandelions, dead-heading dahlias and generally tittivating the raised beds. It was hard work, bending and pulling and he even struggled to remember what exactly was supposed to be growing where and which ones were the weeds.

 

His phone was buzzing non stop with messages from Jenny asking what he was up to and why he didn’t come to the gym last night. Well it was partly because he was feeling old and partly because he was avoiding her. Knowing what she was like from their brief romance and holiday, he’d categorised her as a fit woman for a date but not fit for the purpose of a relationship. She was somebody who attracted drama and trouble and the rewards were not worth the hassle.

 

In the distance he could hear Luke operating the scarifier but he didn’t fancy doing that. In his experience some of the more powerful machinery had a tendency to take you along with it and make a fool of you and Dennis was already feeling thoroughly foolish. 

 

He hatched a rough plan to get back to the workshop ten minutes early and hang around until somebody returned with the leaf blower, then, depending on how he felt, he might try casually taking it home again or even returning in the evening, avoiding the cameras and stealing it. He had a set of workshop keys afterall, and then he’d immediately hand in his notice.

 

It wouldn’t be the end of the world to leave the place. He didn’t have a huge pension but maybe he could downsize to a flat and at least he’d have access to unlimited anti-aging albeit without any leaves to blow. Perhaps he could get a hi-viz tabard and go to the local parks every day, and if it had ‘community service’ printed on the back then surely nobody would bother him.

 

Unfortunately his plan didn’t work. He hung around, pretending to sweep the workshop floor while everyone came in to clean their tools and replace them and even made a play of greeting his colleagues cheerfully and asking them how their afternoon went. Of course they smelled a rat. Dennis never made an effort to be sociable, and when he did, it didn’t suit him. 

 

It was hard luck because the leaf blower never materialised. This was because Andy who normally did everything strictly by the book and was already regretting letting Dennis take the leaf blower home, had organised for it to be locked up in another storage unit up near the clubhouse. 

 

There was nothing Dennis could do. Asking after the whereabouts of the leaf blower would have been unwise and only lead to tight restrictions on his access to it. He went to the staffroom to fetch his things to go home and he found that in his absence, the others were having jovial conversations.

 

‘I don’t want to lose too much hair,’ said Les with a chuckle, ‘the rabbit likes to lick my bald patch.’

 

‘I didn’t know you had a rabbit,’ said Andy as he gave Dennis the side eye, hoping not to be questioned about the whereabouts of his colleague’s beloved piece of equipment.

 

‘Yes! It belonged to Chelsea, my daughter but we got lumbered with it.’

 

‘They do that, kids!’ said Barry, ‘I got my daughter’s Siberian hamsters when Stephanie and I split up.’

 

‘I’ve really bonded with this rabbit, Barry,’ Les continued as he took off his boots, ‘Every night I lay down on the kitchen floor and it licks my head, and do you know what?’

 

‘What Les?’ said Andy.

 

Barry grinned ‘You love it more than sex?’ he said.

 

‘No!..well yes and no. The thing is, his tongue is absolutely scalding hot. My wife was going to get him one of those salt licks that attach to the hutch but there’s no point, he prefers to lick my bald patch while she cooks dinner and I lie on the floor contemplating life’s mysteries.’

 

Dennis was just gearing his voice up to shout, goodbye, to everyone. It was hard to find the balance between saying it loud enough to be heard but quiet enough for it not to sound forced.

 

Andy stopped him in his tracks with an announcement. ‘Hey guys, before you all go home, just a quick heads up,’ the others all stopped and stared at him, ‘yes, Mac, our gaffa is coming in tomorrow morning to have a quick meeting with us. It’s about division of duties. It’s nothing to worry about, we just thought it was about time we touched base with the big bosses to make sure we’re, you know, doing what they want us to do.’

 

‘Oh fuck off,’ said Luke and he aggressively swung his rucksack over his shoulder.

 

Barry huffed, ‘Hey tone it down, Luke. It’s not Andy’s fault they’ve called a meeting.’

 

‘It’s just so annoying! The whole reason I went into this game was so I wouldn’t ever have to have meetings and talk bollocks.’

 

‘Don’t speak then, just listen!’ said Les.

 

 

Andy held out his hands in a calming mannerism, ‘It won’t be a long one. Consider it extra sitting down time. You lot are always complaining that you never get to sit down. I'll get biscuits.'

 

Dennis felt his heart sink. This is all because of Jenny, he thought to himself, I wish I’d never set eyes on that woman. He joined the dots in his head which led him to taking the leaf blower home. Jenny had caught his eye in the gym and over the course of a few months he had developed an infatuation with her. They always seemed to leave at the very same time and one day she offered him a boiled egg in the carpark.

 

He’d turned it down and said he had some Maltesers in the car. Jenny replied that she didn’t eat Maltesers after turning forty but she’d always wanted to go to Malta. It was an opening that Dennis simply couldn’t close despite being engaged to Shobna, and now he was growing older and more regretful by the day.

 

Before setting off for home, he sent Shobna a quick text. ‘Hi darling, sorry I haven’t been in touch but I’ve been physically unwell and am currently dealing with an insurmountable amount of stress in the workplace. Just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for the trouble I’ve caused you. Meeting Jenny was a huge mistake in my life, HUGE. I hope we can be friends. Dennis x.’

 

He knew that she’d still be busy at the dental surgery where she worked as a hygienist but he felt happy with the wording of his message and hoped that it would carve out a little opening which in time would widen enough for her to let him back in. After all he was growing old now and as an old man without much money, his options would be getting increasingly limited. 

 

On returning home, he went to the bathroom and had a good look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw; without the help of the leaf blower, he was aging fast. The heavy horizontal lines across his forehead had reappeared, the muscles in his arms felt shrunken and flaccid and he looked so tired.

 

He Googled testosterone supplements. It was a minefield, Apha Pac, Testobeast, Optimale, the choice was overwhelming and none of them addressed the real problem which was that his body was now aging again, and fast. His physiology was trying to play catch up after being artificially held back for so long.