'Parcel for you..' Part 2

 

‘No. I wish I was.’

 

‘I’m a bit taken aback to be honest, Vanessa.’

 

There was a short period of silence. ‘I know….and I’m really sorry. I was having a bad day and I just thought, go for it, you know, what’s the worst that can happen but now...’

 

‘Now what?’

 

‘I’m quite scared. I don’t know what to do, he’s in a box, a trunk. I’ve got the key but I don’t feel confident enough to open it. It feels like Pandora's box or..a can of worms. To be honest, it was sort of an impulse purchase and now, I feel like such a freak for doing it.’

 

‘Do you want me to come over, I mean, I’m supposed to be working but I could spare an hour. I can catch up later.’

 

Vanessa breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Yes, yes please, that would be wonderful. Come now.’

 

She crept over to the bedroom door and listened but the house was silent so she walked back downstairs, ignoring the box and into the kitchen to put on the kettle. Every little noise made her jump as her mind replayed the image of that eye peering out of the hole in the side of the box.

 

Vanessa prepared a sort of mini statement about how she would justify to Pat her reasons for ordering a husband alone but once the doorbell rang she forgot everything and simply couldn’t get to the door fast enough to let her in. ‘Boy am I glad to see you,’ 

 

‘Why are you whispering?’

 

‘Sshs,’ she raised her fingers to her lips and pointed. ‘He’s in there.’ Her eyes hovered suspiciously over Pat’s face which appeared to have had make-up swiftly applied to it. ‘What are you all glammed up for?’

 

‘I’m not.’ Pat frowned and shook her head. ‘I just had a high-powered meeting actually, you were lucky I answered the phone.’

 

Vanessa shrugged. ‘I saw an eye, an eye in the hole in the side of the box, I swear I did.’

 

‘Ew!’ Pat knelt down next to it and fiddled with the key. ‘He won’t be programmed yet though, he’ll be more like a doll or a…dummy. Shall I open it then? I’m curious now.’

 

‘Hang on, he’s my husband, Pat!’

 

‘Okay, sorry. I just thought, when you phoned, I got the impression that you had cold feet about it.’

 

Vanessa sighed. ‘I’m apprehensive, I’m worried about being creeped out and I also feel very very guilty about doing this without you.’ She said, trying to look sorry.

 

Pat looked up at her friend and smiled. ‘Oh don’t worry, honestly, it’s okay, if things don’t work out, I could try him…we could even share him.’

 

Vanessa wasn’t sure about this and a defensiveness kicked in. ‘I should open the box first though because it was me who ordered him. He might be like a chick, you know, the first thing he sees, he gets attached to.’

 

‘Okay, if you’re sure about this. It says, ‘non-returnable once unlocked’.’

 

‘But you just said, you could have him if things don’t work out.’

 

‘I’m not promising. Look, from what I understand about these things, we can programme him to operate on a very low setting, you know, basic jobs around the house, separate beds, two nights a week and a holiday. Isn’t that what we all want?’

 

Vanessa gasped. ‘Yes, yes. I haven’t read the instructions but yes, that is what I want, two nights a week and a holiday! Hey, bring the manual to the kitchen and you can read it while I make us a drink, maybe some wine?’

 

Pat leafed through the instruction manual and watched a few short videos on YouTube. It seemed to her that the JML Husband was what you made him, some people raving, others saying he just lived alone in the spare room, there were a few horror stories about malfunctioning. ‘Says here, it’s a niche market,’

 

‘Really? What, like a fetish?’

 

‘Mmmm maybe. I’m not sure.’

 

‘What’s the betting, the minute I unlock the trunk, I meet someone real who blows me away.’

 

‘I wouldn’t count on it…but if it happens, then that’s just a bonus isn’t it. Sometimes there’s a spell on you and you can only break it by doing something which hurts or is very, very inconvenient.’

 

‘Like getting a husband,’

 

They both laughed. Vanessa returned to the box feeling much more relaxed. ‘Right, let’s do this,’ she said, taking the key in her hand. She closed her eyes and appeared to say a little prayer as she pushed the key onto the hold and turned it until it clicked. The lid of the trunk began to lift of its own accord. ‘Oh it’s like an IKEA mattress!’ she said as the man inside rose up as if being lifted by some supernatural force into a standing position and then stood frozen with his feet still in the trunk.

 

Pat’s eyes widened. ‘Wow, he’s quite tall!’

 

‘That’s what I ordered. He’s quite good looking actually.’

 

Pat leant forward and pulled up the back of his t-shirt. ‘This is where the magic happens.’ Holding the manual on her lap, she keyed in a code.

 

‘Boa tarde,’ he said in a very high voice.

 

‘Oh my god, he’s Portuguese!’

 

‘No he’s not Vanessa, he’s just speaking Portuguese. I’m going to lower his voice and make him speak English.’

 

Pat continued to fiddle with his formulation pad while Vanessa stood expectantly with her hands clasped together. ‘I’m actually quite excited now!’

 

He turned his head towards her. ‘You look nice,’ he said and winked.

 

‘Oh no, no, Pat. I don’t like that, no winking thank you and his voice is like Siri, male version.'

 

The cat had come carefully down the stairs, half curious, half terrified. It leapt down the last four steps, stopping to glance back, then opening its mouth wide and releasing a loud hiss before charging to the back door and out of the cat flap.

 

‘Let’s get him working shall we, the other things can come later,’ she lifted her hand and tapped his crotch area. ‘He’s got a willy, tick,’ she stood up and opened his mouth, ‘he’s got a tongue, tick.’

 

‘Has he got his own teeth? That’s one of my criteria, he has to have his own teeth.’

 

Pat looked confused. ‘Er, well he does appear to have teeth, yes. Look, everyone online suggests getting him to cut the lawn first. Apparently that’s what he was originally designed for so let’s start with that shall we and we can watch him from the patio. You hold his hand and he should start walking with us. He will be able to hear basic instructions now and follow them.’

 

‘Oooh I like this,’ said Vanessa, ‘his hand feels warm you know. Look, he's wearing a wedding ring.’

 

‘Yes and there’s one for you inside the trunk, I saw it in a little plastic bag.’

 

‘Oh my goodness! I’m married!’

 

The robot husband turned to Vanessa, ‘I love you,’ he said and she blushed slightly.

Pat got the lawn mower out of the shed and they watched him go up and down pushing it with a blank look on his face. There wasn’t much grass to cut and in ten minutes the job was finished and he folded his arms and stood still, blinking and looking at the sky.

 

‘He hasn’t done the edges Pat, that’s the bit I hate doing, the edges of the lawn, it kills my back.’

 

‘Ask him then! I told you, he understands basic commands. You have to engage with him.’

 

Vanessa stood up and went up to him. ‘Please do the edges now,’ she said.

 

He tilted his head towards her, ‘Sorry I don’t know that one.’

 

She fetched a pair of edging shears from the shed and handed them to him. ‘The edges! Please cut the edges of the grass now….the edges.’

 

He frowned in a very odd way and said, ‘Edgy. I am edgy. I like Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, I like Radiohead and I do drugs. Let’s play Shadows of the Damned.’